Are You Awake?

|A search for acceptance|

Having been on the verge of tears all day, because of her father's words being repeated inside of her head over and over, Shannon quickly lost the fight against the tears – against her bottle, when her mother picked her up from school and told her what she had wanted to talk to her about that morning. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Shannon," Debbie whispered, using her daughter's full name for the first time in what seemed like forever in Shannon's mind. All the words the small brunette wanted to shout out, was suddenly stuck in the back of her throat, making any other reaction than crying impossible. Shannon had just gotten into the car, ready to lock herself inside of her room for the rest of the day when she got home, but was now unable to move a muscle, as tears ran rapidly down her cheeks, blurring her sight.

Her second reaction, when she finally found her words again, was forbidding her mom's words. She couldn't be the reason for her mom and dad's separation. And as a result of that she thought of changing herself into the son her father wanted, as she sat in the car with her mom on the way to pick up her little sister. Not back into the boy she once was, because she wasn't ever a boy, not really, but the son her dad wanted her to be. She could pretend, even though her body had already gone through some irreversible changes through her female puberty, for her dad, to be a boy and save her parents' marriage. "If I dress like a boy again... will daddy love me again?" the brunette whispered to her mom with tears streaming down her face. "Will he be my daddy, too? Not just Casey's?"

Shannon's mom shook her head as worry filled her chest and pulled up to her youngest child's school just in time for Shannon to pull her knees into her chest, hide her face in them and whisper 'I'll be your son again, daddy', repeatedly to herself, just like a broken record. Debbie immediately jumped out of the car and ran to the passenger side. She opened the door and pulled her sobbing daughter into her lap, holding her tighter than she ever had before. Even tighter than the night their lives had turned upside-down.

Debbie hadn't thought this would be her oldest daughter's reaction to the thoughts she had about possibly taking her daughters out of the house and away from Jim. She had thought Shannon would be happy to get out of the environment with constant knives being thrown at her. She thought the brunette would thank her and beg for the ice-cold stares, late night fights and Jim's constant reminders of how wrong everything she was and did was, to stop. She thought getting away from Jim would be heaven for her oldest daughter.

And let's be real, Debbie was tired of the treatment her husband gave her daughter. Sure, she loved Jim with all her heart, but at times like the night prior, she absolutely resented him.

But Shannon wouldn't allow it to happen. She couldn't be the reason for her parents' divorce. Even though she truthfully wasn't as happy as she probably would have been if both her parents understood her and supported her, the way her mom did, she wouldn't let it happen. She didn't want to put her mom through the pain of a divorce when she clearly still loved her husband. She didn't even want her dad to feel that kind of pain. Sure, he had put Shannon through endless amounts of pain throughout Shannon's days as a girl, as herself, but not enough to wish that kind of pain upon him.

She couldn't be the cause of her parents' pain.

And then there was Casey, her baby sister. Casey would truly be devastated if she got taken away from her daddy without even knowing or understanding why. What kind of a sister would she be if she would have been the reason for her sister's devastation? Her first heartbreak? Casey meant the world to Shannon, and just the thought of doing, or being the reason for, any sort of harm towards her sister, made her feel sick inside. She was supposed to protect Casey, not break her heart and rip her to pieces.

"Shannon, no," Debbie whispered into her daughter's ear and rocked her carefully from side to side to try and calm her down. "You're not going to be anyone or anything you aren't, to please your dad." Listening to Shannon tell herself she would go back to being the son she never really had to begin with, broke her heart. Shannon had struggled for so many years to first get up the courage to tell someone about what was going on inside of her – her souls internal battle and then doing something about the strong feeling of dysphoria she felt. And listening to Shannon willingly throw all that away, just to keep her dad around, who didn't even act as her dad anymore, both showed just how much love the brunette had for anyone around her, but also how desperate she was to get her daddy back. How much she needed him.

It was as if Shannon would do anything to please the one man who didn't seem to ever understand her.

She searched for acceptance in the one place she wouldn't ever receive it.

"You don't ever have to pretend to be someone or something you aren't to please anyone," she whispered as she continued the careful rocking, "all you're going to be, is yourself. No matter who that might be." Debbie felt a sense of relief fill her body when Shannon buried her face in the side of her neck and threw her arms around her torso. The brunette balled her mother's shirt up in her fists tightly and pulled herself as far into her mother as she could, desperately seeking some sort of comfort. "Please listen to me, Shan. I don't want to ever see you struggling the way you did when you were younger. Please, Shannon," Debbie whispered as a few warm tears fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks slowly.

Hearing the sadness in her mother's voice and the slight crack at the end, was enough for Shannon to nod softly into her mother's neck. Her heart hurt every time she heard her mother cry, and the fact that she was the reason made it even worse. Therefore, she decided that agreeing with her mom on the outside, even though she wasn't sure if her inside agreed yet, was the better option. She didn't want to listen to her mother's words filled with pain, look into her eyes filled with tears of sorrow or feel like someone had ripped her heart out with their bare hands then stomped on it until everything that was left was a reddish, muddy porridge.

"Thank you," Debbie whispered tearfully, but with a weak smile, when she felt the soft nod and pressed a kiss to the crown of Shannon's head. It was just the smallest of nods, but the amount of relief it filled Debbie with was unexplainable. She didn't know what she would have done if Shannon went back to be the struggling little child she once had been. She didn't know if she could ever deal with the forced smiles, hidden pain and eyes pleading for someone, anyone, to see through to her soul, her true self. "Thank you so much."

"But you can't... you can't divorce da-him," the brunette chocked out as she pulled her head out of her mom's neck to see her face, "please don't... don't do that. For Casey." Shannon was still trying to decide, on the inside, if changing herself into the son her dad wanted, even though her mom pleaded her not to, would keep her daddy around – even make him love her again. The war inside her head continued. Even though it wasn't showing any sighs of battles being fought on the outside, guns were constantly being fired on the inside. "Please, mom."

Just as Shannon, Debbie decided, for now, that telling her daughter that wouldn't happen, was what she had to do. Even though she wasn't sure, yet, what was in both her children's best interest, at that time, for Shannon's sake, it was the only option. She didn't want Shannon to feel like she was the reason she and Jim might get divorced, or that she was the one who might break their family apart.

Debbie carefully moved her hands from around Shannon's small, fragile frame to her cheeks and wiped her daughter's tears away with the pad of her thumb, offering her a weak smile, before pulling her back into a tight hug. Debbie desperately hoped that Shannon wouldn't let Jim's opinion on her make her want to change herself into someone she wasn't, just to try to get her daddy back and make sure her parents stayed together. Despite the fact that Debbie knew that Shannon knew the only person who really could make sure their family stayed together, no matter who the brunette tried to be, was Debbie at that point, she was worried that Shannon would start thinking that if she went back to her former, struggling self, it would keep their family together.

Because truth be told, if Debbie saw Shannon try to please her father by changing herself, that would only make her want to take Shannon out of the home more.

"Let's go find your sister, yeah? We have to get to the grocery store before we head home," Debbie whispered, trying to lighten the atmosphere around them, knowing just how much Casey meant to her older sister. Somehow Casey always managed to keep a smile on her older sister's face, no matter what was going on in Shannon's life, and Debbie was endlessly thankful of the smallest member of their crumbling family. She didn't know if Shannon would have managed to deal with her father, for as long as she had, if it wasn't for the small five-year-old.

"Yeah," Shannon whispered and pushed herself out of her mother's neck again and gave her a weak smile at the mention of her little sister, the first smile that had made its way to her face since the episode the night prior.