Starting Over

Monster

Author's Note: This is probably bad.....

Clary

"When I was 17, I met a boy. He was amazing, my prince charming. He let me live with him, so I didn't have to stay at the foster home I was at. He told me he loved me. We fell in love. We got married when I was 19. We were going be my first real family. He said I'd never feel alone again. For the first several years, it was magical. He worked a lot, but I knew he loved me. He would do little things to make me smile. Then, one day, on our second anniversary, he got home from a long day of work, and I had made dinner for us. I didn't know he already booked a reservation. I shouldn't have made dinner, I....." It's not your fault! He shouldn't have hit you for trying to be nice. I  shake my head. "No, I didn't do anything wrong. He got so mad, he hit me. He told me I always mess everything up and I was useless." I break into sobs.

"Shhhh," Jace wraps his arms around me. "You're not with him anymore, you're with me."

"H...he beat me daily and whenever he wanted, he would make me do things for him," I vaguely explain. He's going to ask. I can do this. I. Can. Do. This.

"He's the," Jace stands up, "he's the bastard that made y....you think that I...that I would, h...he sexually abused you."

"Anytime I made a mistake or a mess or he decided I deserved to be punished, he would make me do awful things and he would beat me," I echo, keeping the details to myself.

Jace's brain is going a mile a minute. "When you woke me up in the middle of the first night, when.....when I woke you up in the middle of the night, when you came into the bathroom that morning you were sick, when you were quiet at the Halloween party,  y....you thought I was going to make you.....in exchange for staying here. You were doing what you thought I wanted you to do. You were trying to make it less worse for yourself, it was almost like self-preservation?" Yeah, and now he probably thinks I'm a mentally messed up freak....

"Jace," I sigh. "Please understand, I was just thinking how I lived. I had to.....to think like that to survive. I know it's pathetic and stupid and messed up and you probably think I'm crazy. Gosh, I practically" sexually harassed Jace. "Ugh, I just...." I can't. I run to my room. I make it to the bed and collapse into it. I did, I sexually harassed Jace. I probably made him so uncomfortable. I mean, a scared, short, stupid, red headed, and emotional pregnant women isn't exactly what guys find attractive. He was probably disgusted. T....that's why he always made weird faces and then we wouldn't talk for a while afterwards. I....I can't do this. What if I mess my baby up too? I....I can't. I have to give my baby away. I have to make sure I don't mess my baby up. I have to.

My door opens and Jace rushes inside. "I....I'm so sorry Jace. I....and....you....quiet.....but....see. I...I...didn't....after....I....just.....I can't," I blubber.

Jace raises his hand and I close my eyes. He's going to hit me. I deserve it. I can't believe I....I did that. I feel a warm sensation on my cheek, but it doesn't hurt. Hesitantly, I open my eyes. Jace is looking at me with care and kindness, there's no anger nor hostility. Why isn't he mad? He should be mad. He should hit me......

"Clary, I'm not mad, I shouldn't be mad, and I will never lay a hand on you," Jace explains gently. What? "You were thinking out loud, and I'm glad you were. Now, why did you run to your room? What happened?"

"Jace, I swear I wasn't trying to. Gosh, I'm a monster. Why did you even let my stay here this long? You must be so uncomfortable and disgusted," I reply.

"What?" Jace asks confused.

"I did what he did. I....I made you do things you didn't want to. I made.....sexual advances toward you. I....I," I can't say it. The tears overwhelm me. My nose is plugged, and I can't stop the shudders that rack my body.

Jace stands back and looks at me. "Clary, you are not anything like him," Jace firmly replies. "Shhhhh, just take some deep breaths."

Why is he comforting me? He should hate me, he probably does. H....he does. I know he does. I always mess everything up. "I...I need to go to the bathroom," I manage. Jace nods and I hurry to the bathroom as if I need to urgently pee. I lock the door and head for the med cabinet. I grab a bottle of sleeping pills. The cap is on tight, but I pry it off. I can't keep messing everything up. Sebastian was right, I should just kill myself. The world would be better for it. I get a cup of water and turn to chug the pills when the door bursts open. Jace runs in immediately. He snatches the pills from me. Why won't he let me go in peace? Doesn't he know it's better this way? Doesn't he want to never see me again? Isn't he disgusted?

"Clary," Jace shouts, bringing me out of my thoughts. "What is going on in the beautifully brave head of yours?"

"Yo.....Disgusted.....I.....monster....sorry....die......end.....pills....never....see.....me....g....go....in....peace," I try to explain.

"Shhhh, deep breaths," Jace gently requests. I can't breathe and my head hurts. Jace puts my hand on his chest, and lays my head in his chest. "Breathe with me Clary." I nod and mimic his lung movements with my own.

After a few minutes, Jace speaks. "You're at the end of an anxiety attack," Jace says slowly. "It's okay, you're okay." I quickly withdraw my hand and head, realizing I've once again breached his personal space.

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I do not own any of the Mortal Instruments books, materials, etc. All credit belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Author's Note:
I hope you all like it! Please leave comments, votes, and feedback. I'm going to update, when I do and it'll be random.

Originally posted: 3/26/19