Broken

Broken Wings and Soul.

"At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life"

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It hurts, it hurts so much, I can't stand this pain, it feels like something is sucking all my energy, all of my emotions out of my body and just replacing that with self hatred, loneliness, tiredness but even they can't fill the emptiness I can feel within me.

When people see me, when my friends and family see me, they only see the mask, the other me that's happy and filled with smiles, the one that is pretending that everything is fine but when I'm alone and behind the door of my bed room, I'm not the same, I'm breaking, I'm a mess, I start to listen the words that echoes within my head. Sometimes they win and other times they don't. It's a constant battle, every hour, every minute, every second, I am fighting, I'm fighting against myself, my own thoughts and it's just wearing me away. It's killing me from the inside, slowly and painfully.

I want someone to look at me and see that I'm not okay, that I'm not a happy, childish person that I'm showing others, I want someone to see how much I'm screaming, how much I'm breaking... How much I just want to die... How these thoughts haunt my mind and how I'm slowly giving into them...

Just when I was about to give up, someone finally saw how broken I was, they helped me to get back into my feet, they promised that they wouldn't leave me, that they would help me to fight this battle inside of me...  And I believed them, I placed my trust, my own life on their hands but they soon broke that promise. They broke it and now I'm falling and I'm falling hard.

Even though they left me, I still tried to keep the promise I made with them but it's hard, I'm slowly breaking that promise. I know that I should of seen it coming, should of seen that the happiness I felt would end soon and it did, now I don't know what to do, I'm surrounded by unfamiliar faces, faces that judge me. I can't stand it!

They promised! They promised and it's ripping me apart to know that they so easily pushed me to the side... Though... Who would want to be near a worthless piece of shit like me, I just makes mistakes and talk shit to others, I probably, no, I DID deserve this, I deserve to be on my own, to have no one standing next to me.

The stinging sensation from my left wrist pulled me from my dark mind, looking down at my wrist, I could see how there was thin, white lines on my wrist which had been reopened by my new cuts. The cuts were deep and would scar but I don't care, it just shows me how worthless and pathetic I really am.

People don't understand, how could they? They never felt this way, they never felt like the darkness is swallowing them whole. They will never know.

Even if they see my scars, they would just think that I've done it to myself for attention, after all, people just think of me as the Great King, the king that loves attention, the one that thrives in the spotlight but they're wrong, they are so wrong, I hate having the attention as I just can't show how I truly feel like because I have the eyes of others on me, I can feel every look that is sent my way, I can see how they judge me, how many people hate me because of my mask and because of my true self.

Though... That's going to change, after all, I'm getting close to my limits, to the limits that even I'm scared of but the end game of those limits, I know will give me that freedom that I can't find in this world, in this life of mine.

Adding some more cuts onto my scarred skin, I allowed myself to let out a sigh of relief as my body relaxes slightly as the tension that had build onto my shoulders finally left me, even though it'll come back within an hour or even less, I'm just enjoying the short time of having nothing pulling me down.

Putting the razor blade down on my bedside cupboard, I slowly stands up from my bed as I look down at my wrist. Looking at it, I could see how the red liquid was running down my wrist, hand and fingers, I just watched it for a while before letting our a small sigh as I made my way to the bathroom to wash the blood away and to bandage it, after all, if people saw those cuts and scars, they would just say things that they would think that could help even though they never went through this.

While cleaning the sounds, I couldn't stop myself from looking back into my memories, the memories I have of me and my best friend, the one person I truly trusted and believed they would be there for me but they left me.

Why did he leave me? Why Iwa-chan!? He left without saying anything! He just got up and left! Iwa-chan just got up and left without saying goodbye...

I hate him... I hate him so much... I hate him that he's making me feel like this... I hate that I just can't hate him... I hate how alone I am without him...

"Iwa-chan... Help... Please... Come back, I need you"

I helplessly said as I soon collapsed on to the bathroom floor as the salty water of tears went down my face. The silent crying soon turned into painful sobs and wails as my body was trembling as I couldn't get enough oxygen within my lungs and I was gasping in pain from my memories and from the pain in my chest.

I-I can't handle it. I just can't. Still trembling and sobbing, I managed to pull myself up as I stumbled around, finally making my way to my room again.

My hands were shaking as I started to look around in the cupboard draws, pulling everything out until I found it. I can't remember how and when I got it but the cold, hard metal in my hands felt like it was my only escape.

Quickly looking at cylinder of the gun, I checked that it had some bullets. With a shaky exhale, I placed on hand on the grip part of the gun before tightly gripping it as I slowly but shaking placed the muzzle of the gun to my temple as tears were going down my cheeks.

I never bothered to write a note if I ever killed myself because I know that after writing that note, I'll never be able to do it, I'll never be able to stop being a coward...

I'm such a coward, I'm just a worthless, a waste of space really.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I'm breaking my end of the promise Iwa-chan, I'm sorry I'm a disappointment to my family and my friends, I'm sorry..."

I closed my eyes as my index finger was resting onto the trigger. Taking sharp inhale of air which would be my last, I managed to pull my lips in a tired smile as I relaxed my body.

Though I could hear the front door unlocking, I knew that I have to do this now, so will every thing in my body I ignored the foot steps that was making its way up the stairs and to my room.

The door of my room opened and I could hear the sharp gasp of the person, slowly opening my eyes, I just helplessly smiled at them. Looks like they did come back but it's too late, the damage has been done. After months of being alone with them, I had given up to the darkness.

"I'm sorry Hajime"

I might of heard Iwa-chan calling me and him getting closer to me but that didn't stop me, nothing could...

I pulled the trigger and every thing went black though the last thing I heard was the loud bang from the gun but also my given name coming from Iwa-chan's lips.

"TOORU!"