Mclennon-The Notebook

Confused

John had just kissed Paul's neck! Why? He had no idea, but it felt good. He felt bad as he started to get Paul's journal out of his desk. He was already clearly messing with the Boy's already queer mind-so kissing him and reading his deepest secrets wouldn't help! At this point, John was as confused as Paul about what to do with himself. As he opened the journal, he sighed. This was wrong. Yet, Every passage he read, it would make his heart skip a beat or his hairs stand up on his back. Paul noticed things about John that John didn't even see in himself! Tonight's passage from about a week ago wrote;

Today, In world history, John tapped my back. I know this sounds silly to write about, but every little thing that boy does makes me feel warm inside.

Reading this short silly entry made John realize something, he was queer. Every time he looked at Paul, he felt the same way Paul wrote about in his journal about John. He wanted to be closer to Paul, to touch Paul, he wanted Paul to be all his. As if it wasn't clear enough, he had all ready kissed the teddy boy in a way he never had with some bird, there was some sort of passion, or love. What would he do? John just decided to give it a couple of days to let it settle in.
The next week, John purposely avoided Paul at school-and for many more days after that. He was starting to feel bad, but he couldn't bare to look at Paul without his heart going mad! His face would get all hot, and the moment John saw the red mark left on Paul's neck, that he made, he would have the urge to kiss him, or touch him in anyway whatsoever. He couldn't let that happen. So he just stuck close to Pete and Stu and distracted himself with alcohol and smokes in his free time. He was holding it together until one day at lunch he realized he left his ciggies and light at home. Those were the only things that kept him sane with this whole Paul situation, but his only extra were the locker he shared with the bloody poof! Great. He thought while dreadfully getting up.
"Where ya heading, mate?" Pete said boringly.
"Out for a smoke" John said quickly, as he rushed away from the table. As he turned sneakily around the corner, he checked if Paul was there. So far so good, he advanced to the locker and fidgeted with the lock until he got it open. Thank god! He thought as he reached for the cigarettes, which were untouched by Paul. He gazed at the lower section of the locker, which was Paul's half, and just admired it until he was startled by a firm finger poking him in the back.
"Hey watch it ya bloody-" He was interrupted by the sight of Paul's soft and curious face.
"Oh-erm-hi Paul" John said awkwardly.
"John." Paul said sternly, while all John could think was; don't look down, don't look down, don't look down! He couldn't look down at that damned red mark on Paul's neck, as it would change the situation very quickly!
"What d'ya need?" Paul asked curiously.
"Just grabbing some smokes"
"Mind if I join ya?" Paul said genuinely.
"Alright" John said trying to be cool even though his head was spinning. They walked to the back gate and leaned against an old brick wall while John took out a cigarette shakily and started to light it. John could see Paul watching him out of the corner his eye, which made his nerves build up even more. The minute he put the fag to his mouth and took a breath, his whole body relaxed. The warm air flowed into his lungs and his eyes rolled to the back of his head as all his worries about Paul and everything else vanished. He savored that moment of relaxation until Paul tapped his shoulder.
"Can I have a puff?" Paul said impatiently and nervously.  John just handed the cigarette he had been using to Paul and he took gratefully.
"So.." Paul said awkwardly, "about that locker room thing"
John dreaded this moment-he couldn't just tell Paul he loved him and be a queer and let the whole school would know! He just sat their in silence, he wanted to disappear from the situation.
"John?" Paul whispered. John suddenly felt a touch on his hand. It was Paul's pinky finger rubbing his palm. John just sat there dumbfounded, he didn't move, he just let it happen. Paul slid his palm against John's and started to intertwine his fingers with John's. The were so soft and thin, they reminded his of a girls, but Paul wasn't a girl, which made John queer! He flinched and drew his hand back.
"Quit it! I don't want to do this!" John said, he didn't to be queer! This was just adding to his queerness! He didn't want to do this! But deep down, he did want that, he wanted to do a lot more then just hold hands. 
"I- I thought- you're the one who fuckin' kissed me!" Paul spat. John was taken back by the sudden aggression from McCartney. He was such a kind and gentle boy.
"I'm bloody done with all the queer stuff!" John hissed as he heard his own voice crack from a ball forming in his throat. His eyes started to get wet as he stormed back into the school.