Millisecond Bliss

3. Who am I really?

Only as I'm skimming over an assortment of well-liked confectioneries in a kiosk tactfully placed adjacent a petrol station, does the fact that I've enthusiastically agreed to accompany a boy- who I merely know of from school, to a place I've never heard of, for who knows how long- really register.

In as much as this isn't a strange-man-in-white-van scenario, this whole situation does fall into the grey area when it comes to the fate of my safety. Sure, Yaris is my age- seventeen- and has a criminally squeaky-clean school record, but beyond that and the fact that not more than five minutes ago, he'd entrusted me with the duty of picking our road trip snacks, I really don't know much about him. The fact that I left my phone at school and quite literally no one knows about my whereabouts is also a point of concern. Putting my paranoia aside, even if Yaris does have malicious intent, I have no idea where we are, seeing as we've driven nearly an hour out of town, so bailing at this point wouldn't be particularly wise. Besides, Yaris hasn't given me a reason to mistrust him as of yet.

After having rationalized my spur-of-the-moment decision to embark on this trip, I proceed to pick out a universal candy favorite (a.k.a M&M's), hoping that they, along with some Doritos and sodas, will satisfy Yaris' vague instruction to get 'whatever is good.'

We'd been driving for about two hours before deciding to take a brief break to refuel both the car and our bodies at a petrol station conveniently located near a kiosk. The ride so far had been pretty relaxed actually, hence it had taken this long for my subconscious doubts about Yaris to manifest.

Satisfied with what I've gotten, I proceed to the till where one of the most expressionless people I've ever seen serves me. Once I've shoved my receipt and change into the pockets of my dress, I leave the store, juggling my purchases precariously in both my arms.

"Yaris, uhm, do you mind opening the door for me?" I ask after having somehow made it to the car without dropping anything. Yaris had parked by the store after having filled up the car's tank which had made my journey shorter though me making it here with all the snacks in hand is still an accomplishment given my notoriously clumsy track record.

Once Yaris and I are comfortably settled into the car, Yaris begins to examine the snacks. A smile takes over his features once he spots the M&M's. "You are Godsent! These are my absolute favorite," he chimes, with a child-like enthusiasm which I can't help but smile at.

As he tears open the packet of candy, a thought suddenly crosses my mind. "Hey, Yaris, why are you skipping graduation?" I should've asked this earlier but between talking about our mutual love for synth pop music and the books we'd read, this thought had completely evaded me.

His mirth quickly shifts into dread. I pick up on his reluctance to open up so attempt to divert the conversation. "Sorry... we can talk about something else, if you want to."

He shakes his head subtly, "no, it's fine. I'll tell you why."

As I wait for his explanation, the only sound that fills the car is the sound of him munching on M&M's- it's not that he is a loud chewer but rather more so that at this very point in time the car is extraordinarily quiet.

After what feels like an eternity, he turns away from the packet of candy to face me. My heart sinks when I notice the distinct look of utter disappointment that has taken over his features. I'm not sure the disappointment is directed at me, though I am still taken my it. "I don't know how to explain this to you but I'll try. It's kind of a long story though and at some point, I'll probably stop making sense."

I nod slowly, which I hope he reads as me non-verballing telling him that I don't mind how long his story is and that I'm open to listening to whatever he has to say.

"It all started when I was in the 4th grade. I had always done decently in school, but it was only in the fourth grade where I had began contending to be the top student. For a while my only drive was doing really well in school. I studied like crazy and I did finally become the top student in the 7th grade. And at the time, I felt like that had been my greatest accomplishment.

"Something changed in me though, once I reached secondary. Suddenly being the top of my class took a backseat and all I wanted to do was play sports, particularly field hockey. The adrenaline and dopamine playing what I loved gave me were enough for me to forget about taking my academics seriously for a while. Consequently, my grades suffered and my parents weren't too pleased about that. I want to say that disappointing them was what got me out of my academic decline, but honestly, it was the prospect of letting go of sports which was a threat my parents dangled over my head, which did it," he pauses. He takes in a slow breath, then exhales.

"So, I began balancing the two, sports and academics, more effectively, and soon found my passion for topping the class again. Somehow, I managed to survive three good years of maintaining a good G. P. A and being a prominent figure in the sports community in secondary school. But then one day, at the age of sixteen, halfway through my final year of A-level, did I realize that I didn't have a passion for any of it anymore.

"I'd taken History, English and Politics in A-level and for a long time I was so focused on doing well I never really stopped to think about whether I actually wanted to pursue a career in any of the subjects I had taken. It was far too late when I finally realized that being the smartest in my class or being the best striker in soccer, was all inconsequential because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life," he stops speaking again then turns away from me. I recognize and empathize with the self-loathing tone in which he is telling his story. However, I don't know how to adequately respond, so I remain seated there, silently hoping he'll say something soon.

When he finally speaks again, the disappointment- which I have now connected to being directed towards himself- in his voice is less evident. "Yeah, I had an existential crisis, which isn't something out of the ordinary and now talking about it out loud for the first time, I don't feel like I'm weak for having one. Well, not 'had' because a lot of the time I still feel like I'm still amid an existential crisis. Earlier this year when my parents asked me to start sending out application forms to universities, I broke down because I couldn't pick a course and guess what, I didn't apply to any university.

"Which brings us to the present day. My parents don't know that I haven't applied to any university. The school expects me to give speech about letting go of high-school and moving on to our broader futures, whilst I don't even think I have a future. So, to answer your question Felicity, I'm skipping graduation because I'm not ready to stand up in front of hundreds of people and talk about letting go of the only thing I've had control over in my life. School was difficult, I'll admit, but at least it was stable and predictable," seemingly done with his rant, he crumples up the now empty packet of M&M's, tosses it into his pocket then proceeds to start the car.

I'm unsure as to whether he is waiting for a response from me or not as he just sits there, in his seat, both hands on the steering wheel, yet to begin driving, for a while. "I've been where you are," I finally say. "And you're right, it's perfectly normal to be unsure of yourself. I'm not going to judge you for the decisions you made in your past and I'm shit at giving advice, not that you asked for it. But... I ... um... am sorry if I was too intrusive and I want to help you complete what you set out to do. You wanted to escape reality for a while so, let's do that."

A subtle smile teases Yaris' lips. Finally, he reverses out of the parking lot, and a minute later we are back on the road. "Look, City, can I call you City?" he asks, to which I respond to with a laugh, both because of all the nicknames I've ever had, City was definitely a first, and because I'm glad that most of the self-loathing in his tone has dissipated.

"Sure, why not."

"Okay, so City, I did say that I wanted to escape reality but venting like I just did, has sort of liberated me. I'm not one to unload that level of emotional baggage on someone I barely know, and I should be the one apologizing for putting you through my mess of a life. Therefore, if you want to vent, I'm here to listen and not judge," he says, turning slightly to give me a warm smile.

I ponder his offer for a while. It's a tempting one but for now I'd much rather digest all the information Yaris has just unloaded on me and enjoy some Doritos and soda. "Maybe later, but for now, onwards to Murmoho."