Millisecond Bliss

6. My Truth

Infinite;

Adjective

1. perfection beyond limitation

~~~

My jade nails barely make a sound as they tap the ceramic of my cup of Masala tea whilst I wait, in anticipation for Yaris to finally commence the conversation he'd promised me.

We've been sitting in relative silence for a while now. After I'd returned the quote, we settled into a nearby table and soon ordered two cups of tea. As we waited for our orders, Yaris had on numerous occasions attempted to begin the conversation but typically ended it quickly, having barely completed a single sentence in a span of 10 minutes.

He hasn't looked at me much since we decided to sit down, rather opting to focus his gaze on inanimate objects. At this moment the swirl of the tea in his cup is what he has decided to focus on.

I know he needs time, so I try not to appear too bothered by his mannerisms. He promised me an explanation, and from what I've gathered about Yaris from the time we've spent together, he appears to be the kind of guy who keeps his promises. So, I simply sip on my tea as I wait for him to finally speak.

"Have you ever heard of the word 'Erlebnisse'?" he asks finally, his eyes barely leaving his tea.

I raise an eyebrow, unsure of how it relates to the matter at hand. "No, I haven't."

"It's German and basically means the experiences, both positive and negative, that we feel most profoundly and through which we truly live," he explains.

"Sounds beautiful," is all I say in response.

"It kind of is. Jared taught it to me after I made some offhand comment about how life would be better if we couldn't feel negative emotions. He said that without the negative we would never truly appreciate the positive and we'd be denying ourselves the part of the human experience that makes life worth living." He laughs half-heartedly. The fondness associated with memory of Jared contrasted against the pain of Jared's passing is made evident through that laugh. However, I'm well aware of the fact that what I perceive only barely scratches the surface of the emotional complexities of Yaris' mindscape.

"I think he was right about that. He was right about a lot of things . . . like how peanuts are overrated and how waking up early to see a sunrise is way better than seeing a sunset." At that he stops talking, I pick up on the quiver in his voice. He's on the verge of breaking down and I have no idea how to help him.

I reach out to touch his arm, not knowing what else to do. Yaris looks up briefly from his cup to acknowledge my subtle gesture and it's at this moment that I notice that his eyes have glossed over. My heart sinks to my feet as I come to terms with the distraught expression which has overtaken his features.

"Anyway, that day he proceeded to ask me if I thought feeling nothing at all would be better than experiencing polarizing emotions. I told him that I didn't know, but I all I did know was that feeling everything at once and then nothing at all could possibly be one of the worst kinds of emotional trauma humans have to face." He finally lets the tears fall. He quickly attempts to wipe them away with the back of his hand.

"I've always struggled with that, but it got so much more worse after he died. Sometimes, like now, I feel... so much emotion that I don't even know how to deal with and other times I forget how to feel, and the absence of emotion is overbearing."

"Have you talked to a professional about this?" is all I can think to ask.

"Yeah." He pauses, then sighs. "They say I don't have clinical depression; I'm just grieving. I think they're right though. I don't think I'm depressed but I know I'm not wired properly. I feel like I feel nothing too often."