(A/N:) some spoilers from season one
Cute. Eren hated that word. He had hated it since the day Armin had called Christa that. They had been walking, chatting about who knows what outside the barracks and somehow their conversation went to their fellow cadets. "I don't even know how Jean graduated one under me, stupid horse face."
He had said something like that. Then Armin had shrugged lightly and smiled at his best friend. "Yeah. I was surprised when Christa graduated top ten. She's cute, but I don't know how good she is as a soldier. I haven't seen her practice."
Eren had gone stiff. A horrible feeling settled in his chest and he didn't like it. He didn't know what it was but he never wanted to feel it again. He had called Armin cute either to mess with him or silently to himself, but he had never heard the blond use it to describe someone before. He didn't want him to ever call someone that again and he had no idea why. Weeks later, Eren occasionally thought back to the time Armin had complimented Christa and whenever he did, he felt his blood boil, his fists clenching angrily. Mikasa had seemed to take notice, but ignored it, as Eren was usually angry about something or other. But one day, Eren couldn't stop thinking about it the entire day and it was making him mental. He didn't know why he was so aggravated over a stupid word. It wasn't like it was weird or unusual but just having it relate to Christa made him really upset. He didn't see Armin much outside of lunch, and that night Eren decided to retire early, hoping some rest would calm his mind. But then Armin walked in and they were alone in the barracks. "Oh," Armin said with a gentle smile. "Hey, Eren. I didn't think anyone else would be in here."
"I thought I'd try to go to bed a little early." he replied, trying not to lash out at this boy who had done nothing but plague his mind. A moment of silence passed over them and Eren could almost feel the tension setting in. Armin knew something was wrong. That was always something he had been good at. He was always able to read Eren like a book even when he didn't want him to. The blond took quiet footsteps over to Eren, sitting beside the brunet, the bed sagging slightly under the new weight. "Eren," he said softly, placing a gentle hand over his own. "What's wrong?"
Eren couldn't deny it. Armin was always stubborn when it came to these things. When he knew something was upsetting him, he would keep pushing until he figured out what it was, usually comforting Eren with a hug or by rubbing his back when that happened. But Eren didn't want him to get to the bottom of this problem. Mostly because he himself couldn't manage to do it.
But telling the truth wasn't what he wanted to do either. What if Armin thought he was weird or losing his mind? It made no sense to be completely honest. Christa was very pretty so it wasn't that that bothered him. It wasn't the fact that Armin had said cute, he didn't hate the word. But the fact that it was Christa and Armin had called her cute....
It didn't sit well with him. He furrowed his brow, feeling his anger grow, but towards who or what he had no idea. "Eren, please. Tell me. You'll feel better afterwards."
The brunet almost laughed. He didn't know how Armin could sound so certain about something he really couldn't predict. But he supposed it had always been that way. He hadn't been completely sure his plan would work to seal the wall, but he sounded like he believed what he was saying. And when he was trying to convince the garrison regiment that Eren wasn't a monster, he seemed absolutely certain he wasn't. But maybe he hadn't truly believed that either...
"I honestly don't know, Armin." his lips were moving before he could stop them. "I just..."
He swallowed, taking a deep breath to steady his suddenly wild heart. He was incredibly nervous and cursed himself for not understanding why he was feeling the way he was. Maybe he really was as insane as everyone else seemed to think.
Everyone except Armin.
His eyes met ocean blue and remembered how they sparkled when he told him about the outside world. How they filled with worry whenever he did something reckless or got himself hurt. How they seemed to darken when he had called Armin weak.
Eren hated remembering that moment. He hadn't meant a word of it. He was still recovering from his mother's death, he hadn't eaten a proper meal in days, and it seemed like the entire world was turning against him.
Not Armin.
He was just trying to protect him, just trying to make sure he wasn't getting into something without knowing what exactly it was he was getting into. And it was his fault that Armin was even here in the first place. His fault that he had seen the things he had, being one of the last survivors of the Trost massacre. His fault that he had seemingly forgotten about the ocean and taken the glimmer from his eyes.
Eren wasn't sure when the tears started to fall. But almost immediately Armin pulled him into his arms, tracing patterns on his back, resting his head on Eren's. He sobbed, gripping Armin's shirt, feeling utterly pathetic. "I-I'm sorry." he mumbled, trying to keep his voice steady. "Don't you dare be sorry, Eren Jaeger." the blond said, pulling away to look at him. He gripped his shoulders tightly, but not enough to hurt. "You shouldn't keep your emotions in. It isn't healthy. So tell me. Please."
He bit his lip and wiped away some of his tears. "It doesn't make sense, b-but...I didn't like it...wh-when you called Christa..." he had to take a moment before forcing himself to complete the sentence. "...cute....And it's entirely my fault for getting you into a-all this, Armin. If it hadn't been f-for me, you could be s-safe in Wall Sina and not here watching our friends die and knowing there was nothing we could've done....If it weren't for me, you probably would've gotten to the ocean already and..."
Armin took his face in his hands, wiping the tears away. "No, Eren. You're wrong. It's because of you that I'm alive. And either way, I would've seen people I knew die anyway, since the titans have invaded. Besides, you and Mikasa are the only people I really care about and it's better to be prepared and ready to kill a titan than to wait like a sitting duck. And I don't want to just see the ocean..." he said, giving him a sad smile. "I want to see it with you."
"But why me? I'm just a poor example of humanity, I've been broken so many times I can't even remember anything anymore. I'm losing my mind, Armin!" he cried, grabbing the boy's collar for support he didn't need. "Eren," he said sternly but softly and the brunet felt himself relax a little. "Calm down. We're all a little broken, we kind of have to be, but we all survive. Just like you do."
He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. Eren could see his lip trembling. "You're so important to me, Eren. More than anyone else. I don't know where I'd be without you. I'd probably be long dead by now. I've already lost you once..." his voice shook. Connie had told Eren how utterly distraught Armin had been when he saw Eren get devoured, like he was in a daze, his eyes overcast and cloudy, before suddenly breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably. He had even tried to...
"I can't lose you again. Without you...I have n-nothing to live for."
Tears began to roll down his cheeks and Eren never wanted to see Armin like this again. "I...you mean e-everything to me..."
Eren couldn't stand the pain his heart was experiencing, seeing Armin so upset. He shouldn't look like this. He should be happy, that amazing smile on his face, his eyes shimmering with hopes and dreams of seeing something in the outside world. Eren wanted it to stop and acted on impulse, bringing their lips together hurriedly. Armin let out a small squeak of surprise but Eren kissed him harder and felt him melt into it. It seemed to last forever but not long enough at the same time. But when they had to breathe, they pulled away, staring into each other's eyes. Then Armin smiled, tears still shimmering on his cheeks. "I think I might know why you didn't like me calling Christa cute."
