(A/N:) upcoming season two spoilers!
The picture was still vivid in his mind. The same smile. The promising fight. The blood. He remembered the feeling too. The irrepressible anger that welled within him when he first laid eyes on it. It had killed his mother. And now it was time for his revenge. But the transformation hadn't worked and he had tried desperately again and again, each time ripping off a piece of his own flesh. He bit savagely at his hand, fearing that with Mikasa's injuries and his own incapability, they would surely be eaten alive. But then there was Hannes, swinging his blades furiously at the beast, saying something about avenging their mother.
But then it went wrong, the titan grabbing him and slowly raising him to its mouth. He had tried again to do something — anything. But it was no use. Muscle and skin were torn from his hand, his teeth digging closer to the bone with each bite. Tears poured from his eyes as he watched Hannes get closer still to being eaten alive. And then his torso was in it's mouth and it's jaws clamped shut. He could do nothing but stare, blood dripping from his lips and down his arm, his eyes blurred with tears, a large knot in his throat. He felt sick. This titan had killed his mother and now it had killed Hannes too. And he had done nothing.
He fell to his knees, sobbing hysterically, sounding almost like he was laughing. Mikasa gave him an odd look. Like he had lost his mind and she was scared of him. He began screaming, his throat burning as he did, feeling like his heart was being ripped from his chest. "NOTHING'S CHANGED!" he yelled. "YOU'RE STILL AS USELESS AS YOU EVER WERE! NOTHING'S CHANGED!"
He took a second, closing his eyes. "Mom . . ."
His voice was weak and wavering now. "I'm s-sorry."
Once again he felt the tears coming and let out another gut-wrenching scream, hating himself more than he had ever hated anything in his life.
~~~
It had been a few days since Eren watched Hannes get murdered like his mother. And he still felt numb. It was his fault. If he had just been able to do something, Hannes would be alive.
But he failed.
Again.
The door to the barracks creaked open and Eren lifted his head to meet worried blue eyes. "Eren," he said softly, like he would fall apart at any moment. He felt so weak. So pathetic. So broken. The bed sagged under a new weight. "Armin," he muttered, not sure if he could manage to say anything else, trying to keep his voice steady. Armin gently took his hand, rubbing circles on his skin with his thumb. A moment of silence passed as he seemed to collect his thoughts, taking a breath and letting it out. "It wasn't your fault, Eren." Armin said, his voice showing its own signs of weakness despite his trying to keep it strong. "There was nothing you —"
"Armin," he said a bit harsher than he intended. "It was my fault."
"Eren, don't blame yourself,"
"NO! IT'S MY FAULT HANNES IS DEAD AND MY MOTHER TOO! I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING!"
He saw the flash of hurt in Armin's eyes and buried his head in his hands, feeling his throat knot uncomfortably, tears beginning to form. "I'm useless . . ."
"Eren,"
The emotion poured into such a simple word made the boy look up at his friend. "You're not useless. You're the only hope humanity has. We need you."
There was a pause as Armin closed his eyes, taking a small breath. "I need you."
Eren was surprised to say the least. He scanned the boy's face, watching as a quivering frown formed on his lips. His eyes snapped open and Eren saw the tears that were now spilling from them. But despite the completely broken look on the blond's face, Armin gave him a crooked smile. "If it weren't for y-you, I wouldn't be alive today. Do you know how many times you've saved me?"
"Armin —"
"Do you? You've a-always been there when I needed you, Eren. And I'm so g-grateful for that."
He sniffled before letting out a painful chuckle. "You know, I used to feel so worthless. Y-you were always saving me, protecting me. I c-could do nothing myself. Because I was weak. B-But you taught me something."
He got closer, wrapping his arms around Eren. "Sometimes we have to cherish what we h-have."
He gripped him tighter. "Because you never know when it could disappear."
There was another pause and Eren felt tears beginning to run down his cheeks, still not believing what Armin was saying. "I watched you die. At Trost. I thought I-I should've died together with you. And I th-thought it was my fault y-you were eaten. For not snapping out of it and getting to y-you quicker. I . . . I didn't have a reason to l-live anymore."
The boy let out a loud sob at this point, gripping Eren impossibly tighter. "I w-was going to k-kill myself."
Eren gasped, feeling his heart twist painfully. "Armin," he said as gently as he could, softly pulling away from his embrace. Eren hated the expression on Armin's face. He knew the blond was in utter agony and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. But then again, when was he ever able to do anything?
"Y-you're the reason I-I stay a-alive, Eren. I . . ."
He let out another sob, clenching his eyes shut. "I l-love you."
Eren pulled the boy into his arms, letting him cry into his chest, his shoulders shaking with sobs. He was crying so hard, it sounded like he was screaming, like he had lost everything. Eren tried to contain his own sobs, managing somewhat. "Y-You m-m-mean everything to m-me."
"I love y-you too.."
After a few more seconds of crying, Eren pulled Armin away from him, his hands resting on his shoulders. The blond wiped his eyes, beginning to settle his whimpers. Eren suddenly pulled Armin back towards him, not really sure what he was doing as their lips met. His heart wrenched in his chest and Armin was immediately kissing him back desperately, grabbing the back of his neck to pull him in further. Then they were kissing like it was the end of the world. Like they would never take another breath.
Their lungs burned from lack of oxygen, but still they kept at it, clinging to each other like their lives depended on it. And in a way, they did. But eventually they pulled away, gasping for breath, still staying close to each other. Eren embraced him again like a lifeline. Armin hugged him back, his grip so tight, Eren almost had difficulty breathing. And they just stayed like that until their heartbeats had slowed, their breath had evened out, and the world seemed just a tiny bit brighter.
