hopes and dreams

letter twenty one.

dear jacky,

i should of been there for you. i should of seen you sobbing in front of me, explaining why you wanted to end your life. then after explaining it, i would have gotten you anything and everything to take you out of that dark place.

you only deserve to be in the light, no where near the crowded areas of depression.

your mother gave me this book the other day, saying she told you to write down everything and hopefully that would help you.

yet, you never wrote when you where at your darkest.

you never wrote about all of the insecurities you had. like when you would look into the mirror in my room and say how disgusting you looked. or all the times when you would call me with tears choking you.

to this day, i still have no idea what caused those late night tears, why they were falling or how i could help.

you wrote a lot about me, angel. but never wrote about all the times i needed you either.

like when i found out all of the football team would talk about you as if you were some object and i went into the locker room with a few of my boys and beat the whole team senseless.

you didn't like that very much. although you appreciated the gesture i was making.

or when my mother finally passed and i spent weeks at your house cause mine only smelled of her.

you didn't leave my side at all that month. knowing if i was left alone with my thoughts for even a second, i would fall into a black hole and never return.

that's what i should of done for you. but i did the complete opposite.

i pushed you away cause i was so scared of hurting you.

and me sitting around, hoping you were better off without me and dreaming of the life we could of lived only got you killed.

i love you, my forever angel.
- zach d. herron