Forever And Ever (BTS)

Chapter 4

Namjoon looked at his test paper, the big red 98 circled at the top of the page. Personally, he felt like this mark was fantastic. Not his teacher, though. "Namjoon, you could've done better. You should've gotten those two marks." Namjoon sighed. He didn't need to get a perfect score, he was already way ahead of his classmates anyway. The second highest score was a 75! There's no such thing as perfection anyway, he thought, why strive for it if it doesn't really exist? But he nodded at his teacher, playing the part of the "perfect" student. Because just following everyone's expectations was easier in the long run, and it made people like him more. So he remained obedient. In his heart though, he just wanted to be able to make mistakes like other people and not get berated for it. Other people got a "It's okay, just try even harder next time" when they failed, he got a "You're not trying hard enough" when he got less than 90. Honestly, it was frustrating. All he wished for was the chance to live his life without people breathing down his neck, watching out for a slip-up. All he ever wanted was to be free from the endless scrutiny, the feeling of being entrapped in an invisible cage. He felt like a robot rather than a human, only doing what he was ordered to and not what he truly wanted to. He wanted to be a writer, share his philosophical thoughts. But here he was, on the way to being a mathematician because that was what everyone wanted him to be. Even his parents didn't want him to be a writer, they were afraid that even with his skills, it wouldn't be stable, and it wasn't practical. He wished he could just run away and be his own person, but he had his brothers. And, if he was being truthful, they were worth the struggle. They were the light of his life, he couldn't imagine not being with them. They didn't force him to do something he didn't want to, they didn't question when he did something less than close to perfection. They were the only people who actually genuinely accepted him for he was, flaws and all. He needed them. And he knew that even though he had a whole load of pressure on him, his brothers would take care of him. That was enough for him. Having people who did love him no matter what.

As he sat on his bed doing his homework, Jimin came in. "Hyung, are you going to write something else to read to me tonight?" he asked. Every night, Namjoon would write a little about his views about random things. The sky, the earth, anything really. He'd turn them into metaphors of life, a future philosopher. He read them to Jimin at bedtime, it was a little routine they had. Jimin loved it, his hyung was a genius! Namjoon just felt happy that someone was there to listen. "Of course I'm going to!" he grinned, ruffling Jimin's hair. Jimin let out a small cheer before leaving Namjoon to finish his work. Namjoon got back to his math equations, feeling considerably better than before.

"Perhaps, each star represents someone in the world..." Namjoon finished reading to Jimin before letting Jin tuck them into bed. He took one last look at his notebook that was on his bedside table. He smiled as he thought of all the words he had written in it, the comfort he got from it. The book contained his true self, the person he wanted to show to the world. One day, he thought, I will find a way. I will break out from this cage and unleash my real self. With this thought in mind, he slowly drifted off to sleep.