flourishing • wolfstar

heal.

the.marauders:
um, hi, it's Remus. i legit have no idea how to start this or whatever, so i'm just gonna be straight with everyone. we are taking a break. not for long, just because things aren't exactly top notch for me and we also have A-levels coming up which isn't fun at all. We love you all so much and we hope you understand. We do have few prerecorded and pre-edited videos but they're shitty and will probably last until late April or early may. Again, thank you and I really hope it's understandable.

Remus sighs, his throat dry with lack of water and hands trembling with lack of food. It's been another night, the unlabelled emotions eating away at his flesh and he wonders if he'll soon decompose to rest within the own cavity of his caged mindset. He's already adjusted to being fake, entirely synthetic, for the sake of others and it's basically unbearable to watch because it's clear that Remus just won't acknowledge it.

"Talk to me, Remus," Sirius says that night, sitting up and crossing his legs. Remus looks at Sirius in the corner of his eye, but he doesn't turn to face him properly; in fact, he doesn't move an inch.
"I don't... there's nothing."

"Elaborate."

Remus means that there's nothing left to him.

"I don't understand half he things that come out of my mouth anyway. It's all damn bullshit." Remus turns over as he wraps himself in his sheets. Sirius only inhales shakily, smoothing the creases on the single visible patch on Remus' pyjamas. His fingers are firm as they wrap around his thin arm, but the amount of care and love held in his fingertips is so, so beautifully soft.

"I want to be here for you. We all do because we don't want you to fade. Never. We adore you, and love you, and appreciate you so much. It's killing me watching you like this. Your turning in to dust and falling between the cracks of my fingertips before I even realise it. Just, stay here with me, even if it's for a little bit. Let's find a new world and talk to me. Maybe I can help you." Sirius doesn't stop stroking Remus' arm as he talks, his words like an angel to Remus' slowly darkening heart. A yellow song in a powdery, lonely night.
"I'm so scared to go home," Remus says, relenting, "and see the very place where she breathed her last breath. I wonder what my dad will say. I wonder which emotion will corner me first. My mind is so- so bloody blurry, Sirius. I don't know what I'm waiting for, I don't know how to cope, I don't know if I'm grieving correctly." Remus now faces Sirius, his voice gradually spinning out of control. In a swift movement, Sirius has his hand pressed against his boyfriend's chest, directly over his beating heart.
"Your heart's breaking. I can feel it. Honestly, I'm scared for you too. I can't imagine what it must feel like to go back home where something so dreadful has happened, but if I imagine returning home, breathing the same air as my mother and father, it makes me so scared. I can only imagine about how I would react. We're gonna help you through this all. Soon it'll be like... a sore scab. Still horrible, but you learn to adjust. I don't know, I'm so shit at this-" Remus cuts him off with a kiss. It feels like the first one in ages, but all Sirius really wants to do is share a warmth that only the two of them can have.

The next day, Remus and the boys have their tongues tied and heavy in their mouthed as they pack, ready for when they have to get back on the train tomorrow morning on Saturday. With the crystal sun streaming through the transparency of the window, it almost seems as if everything is completely normal. The world still carries itself the same. It's only his mind. His beautiful, messy mind that's collapsing under pressure.

"Oh, Lily, hello." Remus hears James say from the door. He sits up from his position from the bed, awoken from his trance.
"Afternoon, James," she replies, kissing his cheek briefly before lightly peering in to the room. James welcomes her in, knowing what she wants to do. Remus almost groans aloud, but he refrains himself from doing so as LIlY places herself on the floor, leaning on his bed frame as she breathes heavily from her nose. Peter sits up more straight on his bed, sitting on his knees. Sirius doesn't meet his eyes and James gently pushes the door, clicking as it locks.

There's a very long moment of pure quietness, not a single noise from Lily nor the boys, but it quickly becomes unbearable.
"Remus, we're all worried." Lily says this with an undertone of fear contorted with pure worry. Remus knows what everyone around him is feeling and he can't stop himself from wanting them to get on with their own lives, but also wanting them to stay exactly where he can see them, exactly where he knows they're safe. But of course he can't voice these feelings. They're far to complex to stutter in to understandable sentences.
"I know and honestly, I'm fine. I'm just a bit... it's nothing, it doesn't matter."
"Why doesn't it matter?" Peter asks quietly from his bed, looking down in thought. Remus doesn't want to alarm anyone, so he just keeps his mouth shut, but he knows that the moment he goes home, things will be ten times worse than they are now and he can't abide the thought of it.
"I'm not saying to just. Well, I just want you to know, Remus, that you are pretty much my best friend. And I hate seeing you like this. You deserve to heal. Remus, you deserve it all," Lily says earnestly while Remus feels his heart shattering beneath the intensity of her words.

Is healing something he truly deserves?

let's just pretend that this chapter wasn't late and that this chapter wasn't absolutely shitty. one thing i've learnt throughout this entire book is that writing long books aren't for me lol. i expect maybe two or three more chapters and if i'm feeling well and truly kind, an epilogue and bonus chapter. just to close it in true fashion. i've honestly tried to keep this book in my interest and give y'all the content that you deserve, but in all truthfulness, i'm kinda disconnected with this book??? i still love it, but i just wish i could love how it was written!!! when this book finishes, i'll probably take a breather lmao. thank you for reading.
see you next millennium