lolita

chapter five

-I want to be a singer - Jungkook pouted while waving his legs - I think I have everything it takes.
- I remember that your father wanted to be an actor when he was young - Jennie took a sip of her drink and gracefully smiled - I wanted to be a fashion designer, you know, like all girls back then.
- That's boring - he got up from the grass and sat in between me and his mother, on the swing.
- And what about you, mr. Kim? - she looked at me.
- Yes, mr. Kim? - Jungkook imitated her voice and earned a slight hit on the head.
- Ow, you don't love me anymore - Jungkook distanced himself from Jennie, almost sitting on my lap - I'll go to mr. Kim because he loves me more than you do - he slapped my cheek gently, I tried to sustain my laughter but just by hearing his warm giggles, the bubbling sensasion in my chest couldn't keep itself in. We laughed like that was some kind of a secret only two of us could understand.
- What are you talking about? Your mother loves you very much - I caressed his chin jokingly while he climbed up to me to ruffle my hair.
His mother starred at us while opening up a bottle of pale blue nailpolish.
- So, mr. Kim, what about you?
- I wanted to be a painter.
- A painter? - Jungkook widened his eyes and took a sip of his fruit juice.
- Yes, a painter. But the God had another plan. It didn't really work out for me. - I rolled my eyes. And while noticing that they both had their full atenttion on me I just said - If you want to be an artist, you need to let go of everything you've ever known. You have to die, and be reborn. -I played with a cigarette stick in my hand, wanting nothing more than to let out a long exhale of smoke.
- I'll go for another bottle of wine - his mother suddenly got up and fixed her lace dress, glancing at her son.
A minute of silence passes, as short as a pleasant flames licking down my throat and I swallowed my stutters when he lifted himself up and then suddenly sat himself down again,his eyes studying my face expression.
- So, do you like the way I teach? - I asked.
He sat on my lap directly.
- I don't like anything about you - he frowned while making an irresistible pout.
The complete disastreous and useless moments of resisting, of stepping back were killing me.
His eyes never left my own.
His palm was cupping my cheek, gently caressing it.
- You promised me that you would shave.
- I will, just for you - I smiled, my hands peacefully found their peace, resting at his back.
- Jungkook, I asked you to buy some groceries from the store. I gave you a list this morning, and now it's 6pm.- we heard Jennie's voice close.
Jungkook quickly jumped away from me and repositioned himself on the swing. A second later, the cursed women appeared on the door.
- Do I have to do it now?
- Yes, go now.
- And what if I don't want to?
- Get up now, stop with that attitude - she gave him money and lifted him up from the swing.
- Can I buy some candy?
- No, Jungkook, no wasting money. More wine? - she looked at me.
- I'm good, thank you.
- I'm not good, but you didn't even offer me any. - Jungkook got up and tied his shoes - Wanna go with me, mr.Kim?
- No, mr. Kim stays here. Why are you bothering him so much?
- Because I like him - he smiled at me and I shivered.
- Should I be worried or...? - Jennie giggled and flipped her hair - It depends on mr. Kim's will.
- Well, I could go help with the groceries. They could be heavy.
- Oh, please, it's just a bottle of oil and a few lollipops.
I didn't even try to listen to her. Just looking down and down and down. Down to his fingers playing with the waistband of his baggy pants.
- As you wish, decision is yours -her voice broke my daydreaming, she shrugged and grabbed the book that was lying on the table.
She mysteriously glanced at her son, with an undescribable expression on her face which was everything but mother-like. She thought that I wasn't looking.
I was always looking.
And I knew that she didn't loved him as much as she should've. A boy that was never taken care off enough.
At that point I could've understood why Jungkook was so delicate, after all.
All for me, porcelain and clear.

- I want this - he lifted up a package of colorful candy and put them in a basket - Ooh, and this.
Before he could've spent the whole money on sweets i quickly grabbed one bottle of oil and a new bottle of ink.
- Do you like my mother? - he suddenly asked me, his hand stuck in his hair.
- Yes, yes. - I bit my tongue.
- You know what I mean - he took my hand in his and lead me- This way.
- Do you mean, wait... No, no, absolutely not.
- That's good, I would be sad and my dad would be very angry - he pointed out the "I would be sad".
He craved my attention.
I was reminding myself that his father was my friend.
This boy was his son. And there was nothing more allowed but a strict, teacher-student-like contact.
I couldn't allow myself to fall into those deadly arms of temptation.
- And why would you be sad? - I played his game.
- Because I am a passionate man, and my mother is just a toy collector. My love would only speak truth.
- Don't worry about it. I am under your comand.
- That's great, mr. Kim - he gave me the money so I could pay.
We carried the things that we bought way back home without speaking a word.
I listened to his rhytmical foot steps while chewing on a mint flavored bubblegum he offered me.
- Don't tell mom because she forbids me to chew these.
- No problem - I patted his head gently.
He quickly slapped my hand away and purposely stepped on my toe.
- Goddamnit, Kook!
At first, his little mood changes had triggered something inside of me, even more than they should've , but at the same time I adored it deeply, knowing that he was just teasing me in pure moments of joy he had gave to me right before.
I wondered... How could a grown up man love a child?
I was an mature adult, but at a soul I felt like I didn't belong there like that.
It felt chaotic.
Two questions were on my mind.
Am I the one half that is completing my other?
Or do I need something or someone to complete me?
Innocent child that burned with a flame of uncoditional love, searching for someone to give it to.
His aura was young and fresh, he was blooming like an almond blossom on the end of the cold winter.
One small but yet, not indestructable sign that was predicting something beautiful, heavenly, unknown to the human kind.
The longer I thought about this, the more I feared it.