Because She Loved Him

Disintegration Part V

After a short drive through snowy, dark streets they arrived at the Ulvaeus household. They all got out of the car and went indoors. Bjorn locked the door behind them. Both couples went straight upstairs to their respective rooms. No thought was given to anything else but sleep. The car that followed them, if they did but know it, waited outside in the dark until every light in the house was off. It drove away unheard and unseen. It's purpose complete for now.

The following morning Bjorn woke early as he always did. He made a phone call to the studios and left a message to tell Stig that they would meet him at 1200 midday to discuss their plans. He made a pot of coffee and put bread rolls to warm in the oven. He laid the table ready for breakfast and put out jam, butter, various meats and some of the little herrings that he and Agnetha loved so much. He went outside to get a breath of air. He leant on the veranda and looked at his car. He didn't remember if he locked it last night. He shrugged, it was still there. He wandered down the steps to check if he had. The door opened, so clearly not he thought. He was about to shut it again when he noticed a small bunch of flowers on his seat. He frowned and picked them up. He did not know where they had come from. He thought they must be one of the others and they had dropped them. He took them indoors. By the time he got in the coffee was ready so he poured 4 cups and took them upstairs on a tray, having fixed them just the way everyone like them. He knocked gently on Benny and Frida's door first but as he expected he received no answer, he pushed the door open gently to find them both still fast asleep. He trod quietly to Benny's side of the bed and shook him gently to wake him. "Benny, come on its time to wake up, it's 8am" Benny grumbled and shifted. He opened his eyes and said "8am?? Bjorn that's the middle of the night!!" Bjorn chuckled and said " lots to do today, we have time though, I made you both coffee" Benny said thank you and sat up a bit to look at Frida who was still fast asleep. He smiled and brushed her hair out of her face. Bjorn put both coffees so Benny could reach them and said "I'll leave you to it, would want you to miss out on your normal morning routine" Bjorn laughed and went to his own room with his remaining two coffees. Agnetha was still asleep, face down in the pillows as always when he wasn't there. He got back into bed with the coffees and had a sip before waking Agnetha gently with a kiss. She grumbled a little and opened her eyes. She took a second to gather herself and said "it can't possibly be morning already, I've only just gone to sleep" Bjorn wafted her coffee cup under her nose smiling and said " I'm sorry to say it's true" she sat herself up and took the coffee appreciatively, sipped it and sighed gently. She leant her head on Bjorn's shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and tucked her into his side " what's wrong?" he asked. " I feel like there's a big black cloud over me Bjorn. Stig isn't going to like this, I don't want to be forced into anything. I don't want to leave the children for months on end, they are so young. These times will never come again" " Anna, the children are young, they won't remember, we have decided what we will do and we will stick to what we agreed. You agreed to it too." Agnetha sighed heavily and said "  I'm not saying I didn't Bjorn but it doesn't mean I'm 100% happy. It feels like I'm juggling our whole life. I'm juggling you, because I want to be with you, I want to sing with you, I want to make you happy. I feel like if I say no to anything you won't understand and you won't forgive me." She paused for breath, just wanting to get it all out in the open. Bjorn became a little irritated and said "we discussed all this yesterday!" "No, we didn't Bjorn. We discussed ABBA, we discussed what we were willing to do, what I was willing to do, none of that has changed at all. I promised you I wouldn't let you down but you must understand the consequences that I feel. I know you say the children are young and won't remember but Linda isn't so young anymore and she does remember and we wanted Christian so much I don't want to miss out on his babyhood, who knows when we will manage to have any more" Bjorn frowned to himself, uncomfortable with the feelings that her words were causing. Unaware of his growing turmoil Agnetha continued " I don't ever want to change what we do, just how we do it" Bjorn sighed impatiently and moved away a bit."Anna. You said all of this yesterday, you don't have to keep repeating yourself. I hear you!" "Do you really hear me Bjorn?" she pleaded" I want you to understand me" Bjorn laughed sarcastically "Anna, I may love you but I've never understood you" Agnetha's eyes grew wide as she assimilated his words. The hurt poured through her. "But Bjorn, if you don't understand me then who will? I thought for all these years that you were the only one who did understand me!" She sat back against the pillows utterly defeated. Bjorn realised the damage his words had caused, he had not meant them to be quite so harsh, but now he came to think of it he did not understand what  drove Agnetha to shy away from fame, work and adulation. It was after all what they had worked towards for all these years. Now they were on the cusp of breaking America she was backing off. Bjorn was driven by all of those things, as far as he was concerned there was time enough for all of the other things that Anna wanted. He felt that ABBA would be over in a few years and they needed to strike while the iron was hot. He got up off the bed and turned to Agnetha and exasperated yelled at her "what is it you WANT from me?" She flinched at his tone and with tears in her eyes " your understanding Bjorn, your love and your patience when I get to feeling that I can't juggle it all anymore and I when I worry that it's all slipping through my fingers." Bjorn's shoulders slumped as he digested what she was saying. Truth be told, he didn't know if he had the patience anymore after all these years.
Benny and Frida had no choice at all but to hear all of this and to say it made uncomfortable listening was an understatement. Benny sighed and shook his head "what the hell is Bjorn playing at?" he whispered angrily. Frida agreed and asked quietly "Benny, why does he not understand what Anna is saying?? She would follow him to the ends of the world and back. He does not realise how lucky he is" Benny growled with frustration as he got out of bed. "Bjorn thinks he is bored, he thinks he needs the fame and the fortune. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side" Frida looked shocked but as she thought about it,she could see that what Benny said was right and that Bjorn's attitude towards life had changed gradually, but more so after Christian was born. "Benny, did he not want Christian? Did he do it for Anna?" asked Frida even though she was scared of the answer she might get.
Benny sighed deeply and said " I'm not sure I would go so far to say he didn't want him, he loves him very much but I think Bjorn thought they should wait a while. He had many plans for ABBA that did not fit with a young baby. He would have wanted Christian later I think" he sighed again and swung his legs out of bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. Frida moved and pressed herself against his back, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him gently. Benny smiled and held onto her arms, enjoying the contact. He kissed each hand in gratitude. Frida leaned her head on his shoulder and said "the question is how long would Anna have had to wait for her babies? If not then when? Bjorn is a man who will always have drive and ambition and he will always be planning bigger and better things. Would there ever have been a right time? I think not." She felt sorry for Anna who loved Bjorn so much that she was willing to sacrifice some time with her children and actually she felt sorry for Bjorn who could not see how difficult that sacrifice was and how much value he should put upon it.
"I don't know what to think" admitted Benny. I've known Bjorn for so long now and he is my best friend. I do not know if this is a midlife crisis of sorts, it's like he blows hot and cold all the time. One minute he's all over Anna and the next minute he freezes her with just a look or he shouts at her. The poor girl is vulnerable enough as it is. We all know that. She won't cope with Bjorn like this for long. I've tried to talk to him about it but pretty much all he says is that she is holding ABBA back and he says he's young and in the biggest band in the world and he wants it all" Frida sat back on her heels shocked by all of these revelations. "Does he not realise he has the whole world at his feet now?" she questioned agitatedly "clearly not" said Benny. "I have tried on numerous occasions to open his eyes but you know Bjorn he is a stubborn man and it is his way or no way in his world. Look at what happened yesterday! A case in point" Benny tutted and sighed. He got up of the bed, turned to give Frida a kiss and said "we better go and face the music, come shower with me" Frida smiled and agreed quickly but hung back as Benny took her hand to help her off the bed. " Benny, you know I love you more than my own life, promise me this will never happen to us"she pleaded. Benny smiled and pulled her up into his arms "Anni Frid Lyngstad I promise you that nothing like this will ever happen to us. I will love you until the day my heart stops beating" he looked her straight in the eyes and meant every word he said from the bottom of his heart.