Lost and Found

Chapter Thirteen

Sawyer never once said he loved her, and Lillian didn't pretend that he did. She wouldn't put that pressure on him. Her first marriage had taught her it wasn't worth it, pretending to have feelings that weren't there.

Even when she had stood before him and vowed that she would love, honor, and cherish him all the days of her life, and he pledged his vows in return; she wouldn't pretend that he loved her.

Lillian accepted that theirs was a union of circumstance, the need of two people who loved two small children in need of parents. They were lonely adults with wounded hearts needing some measure of joy in their fragile existence.

Maybe one day, there would be love, heaven knew her heart craved it, and she certainly loved Paul and Kitty.

But Lillian refused to look too deeply into what she felt for Sawyer. It was terrifying when faced with what he would do when he discovered that not only was she Maggie's cousin who'd disappeared, but she was a woman who had been thoroughly soiled by an outlaw she hadn't been courageous enough to kill when she'd had the chance.

If she were to allow herself to admit she loved Sawyer, and then he rejected her and threw her aside—Lillian gasped from the pain that pierced her at the thought, and tears slipped from her eyes as she realized the futility of it all.

She could say she wouldn't allow herself to love him, scream it till she was blue in the face, but it wouldn't make a difference. Sawyer had claimed her heart from the very beginning. She'd never stood a chance against him.

"What're you thinkin,' darlin'?" Sawyer murmured from where he leaned against the doorframe to his room. Their room, she corrected herself.

Lillian stood, still dressed in the violet gown that had once belonged to Jane. Even after altering it as best she could and completely letting down the hem, it remained two inches short.

But it was the best she'd been able to do on such short notice. She glanced down at the dress, holding the skirt out as she wondered if Sawyer wished Jane stood in her place. Was it Jane he wanted to sleep next to tonight and every night hereafter?

"Nothing worth talking about," she sighed.

Chewing her lip, she decided she needed to get this dreaded night over with since there was nothing she could do to avoid it. The suspense of it all would drive her mad if she didn't at least pretend she had some control over what would take place tonight.

Two things were sure to be experienced tonight: disappointment and pain. Sawyer would be disappointed with her as Richard had always been, and she would experience pain.

The only difference was that with Sawyer, it would be pain from the marriage act itself and knowing she was the cause of his disappointment.

Taking a calming breath, she removed her sling and turned her back to him, "Will you unbutton me, please?"

Sawyer straightened and swallowed. He hadn't expected her to be so business-like, not after the way she'd responded earlier to their kiss. Hoping it was just a case of nerves, he walked to her, ignoring the trembling of his hands as he reached out to undo the row of buttons down her back.

Grudgingly, he'd allowed Doc to look at his wounded hand, knowing it needed tending after what he'd put it through earlier that day.

While mending a fence that morning, he'd lost his footing and stupidly reached out for support, wrapping his hand around the barbed wire.

The force of his fall had caused the wire to rip clean through his leather gloves, slashing deep into his palm. He'd been absent-minded, remembering how beautiful Lillian had looked while eating breakfast.