Scrubs and Angels (Bastille/Dan Smith)

Chapter 22 - Phoebe

As soon as I saw Dan running towards us out of the blue, I knew something big had happened. But hardly guess It was on the topic our current conversation; Sam. After Chrissy had finished the story I had felt like crap, I had never even met Sam, but a variety of different emotions began emerging inside of me; sorrow and guilt included. In fact everyone had been experiencing feelings of sorrow after the re-telling, but when Dan told us of the news, it was as though the aura switched completely and everyone's mood became suddenly positive and hopeful. This was how I was feeling until Dan hardly grabbed ahold of me and began to drag me outside.

I struggle against Dan's firm grip as he yanks on my arm, leading me away from the rest of the group and out onto the road. I try to pry his fingers away from my wrist, but he only swats my hands away and tightens his grip, his fingernails bitting down hard on my skin.

"Dan! What are you doing!? Get off me!" I yell at him, shocked by his violent urgency. He stops for a split second and we catch eye contact.

"We have to talk." He says sternly "In private." He turn his head swiftly away and begins dragging me off again. I am unsure as to why he has to be clinging on to my arm in order for us to talkin private, but I don't question it. Instead I allow him to lead me down the street, before we turn into a small alleyway. We stop when we are about halfway down the side street. The air is thick with a lingering stench of rotting food and something that definetely isn't cigarette smoke and crusting half-peeled band posters line the mouldy, compact brick walls. He sure chose the best place to talk, a dark secluded alleyway in the middle of a foreign city. He gradually begins to release his as he checks his surrounds, as if he is wary of onlooking members of the general public. What the oh so secretive thing he has to anyway?

"You're not going to rape me in this "dark and daunting" alleyway." I say jokingly, but Dan doesn't seem up for a laugh, instead I am only ignored. He seems agitated and frustrated, constantly fiddling and running his hands nervously through his mop of brown. His cold blue eyes pierce into my own, as if he is trying to send a harsh, serious reply to my joke. It feels as though his cold stare is freezing me from the inside out, burning my organs. I quickly break away from the awkward gaze, to spare myself of his deathly glare. "Alright, Alright, I was only joking." I admit, stifling a small laugh, but his straight face doesn't falter. "What do you want?" I ask and he quietly takes a deep before answering.

"You need to cancel the tour, I'm leaving for London tomorrow." He says sternly and I am suddenly shocked, I know everything happening with his brother, not to mention Sam waking up must be hard, but he can't just abandon millions of Fans and the rest of his band mates and crew. My mouth is shaped in disbelief, I can't believe he would try and do this again.

"Dan, you can't do this, I've already explained this." I explain trying my best to stay calm in front of him. "Anyway next week we tour in England, so you can see Sam and your brother then." I look at him, convinced he will agree, or even I will just be able to reason with him, but his expressions remain as serious and certain as ever.

"No, I need to go now." He says sternly, his tone devoid of any lack of seriousness. "I need to see Sam and I need to see my brother as soon as possible." I shake my head in frustration, how can he not grasp a hold of the fact that if he bows out now it will cost the millions of dollars and lost fans.

"Dan, it's really important that we keep the tour going." I say through slightly gritted teeth, my frustration beginning to show. "I know it's really hard to see Sam go through what he did, but I understand your emotions and thoughts, and I feel for you, but I know you can hold off seeing him until next week." I emitted the second sentence in a calmer manner, hoping to soothe his anger, but for some reason he seems to enrage even further, his pale cheeks beginning to rosé with anger. He stands statue still, his mouth agape, looking me dead in the eye for a few silent seconds before he replies.

"You understand my emotions and thoughts and feel for me?!" He asks angrily, regurgitating my attempt to console him. "Phoebe, ever since this tour started you have cared shit all about my feelings and you certainly don't understand them. In fact it seems as though rather than making me feel happy you wanted to make my life a living hell!" He says, now the words escaping his mouth in a furious yell. "How come you find it so easy to get close to everyone, except for me, especially when I needed it the most?!" Dan's words hit me deep like a sword visciously protruding into my gut, I did like him a lot and I could hardly bear to see the impact of my actions had on him. I thought he would be a little upset, but not a full out tantrum like this, only if he knew my reason for my actions, maybe then he would understand.

"I'm sorry Dan, I didn't mean for you to get hurt this much at all." I quietly admit, unable to make eye contact with a still fuming Dan.

"Well, I still got hurt, so what does your stupid apology mean anyway?" He yells into my face and I immediately regret not keeping my mouth shut. "You know the first time we met, I thought you were amazing, that kiss was the best of my life, after that night I searched and searched for you but I couldn't find you. That was until I saw you again, I thought at last god is reconnecting me with the woman of my dreams, that was until you opened your fucking mouth and claimed we had never met before. I had been waiting for what seemed like forever for you to show up, and when you did, all you seemed to do was act like a complete bitch, further rubbing the fact in that still after five years, I am the only guy in the band without a partner. I thought you were answer, but now looking back that is the most twisted and absurd thought that has ever crossed my mind!" I feel tears starting to form behind my eyes, Dans angry confessions beginning to cause me to recognize my true feelings about the situation. For me that kiss was the best as well, topping any I had ever shared with Nick, and I did have feelings for Dan. I keep running over the past few weeks in my head, trying convince myself what I did was for the best, but every time I relive a memory that theory feels as though it is becoming more and more invalid. However I try it one last time.

"Dan, you have to understand everything I did was to try and protect you, I had just come out of a long-term relationship and I wasn't ready to start another." I whisper softly through running tears, trying to convince not only Dan but also myself that my words speak the truth. "I wasn't ready for someone to get hurt again like my ex, I only acted that was because of that reason, I don't dislike you or anything."

"Yeah you don't dislike me, you hate me!" He screams and I shudder with fear. "Don't try and feed me fucking lies that you were trying to protect me or something, just admit that you are a heartless, selfish, bitch!" His entire face is a dark shade if crimson and as he yells tiny particles of spit fly in my direction. The years are flowing in an endless, unstoppable river down my face. Why has it taken this much for me to have realise the damage I have done to Dan. If only I could reverse the clock back to the night if the kiss and make it as though we never meet, so non of this really would have happened. But I can't do this, the only way out of this mess if to apologize to Dan or try and regain his trust, however none if those objects seemed entirely legible at the moment, instead I tried to revert the conversation back the preliminary topic.

"Dan just please don't leave to London, my company..." I begin, but when he cuts me off early I know I have chosen the wrong string of words.

"Oh yes, your company, your job, the only thing you actually give a damn about on this planet, not a friend, not a family member, a fucking job!" It seems as though he temper seems to be thriving on my rapidly decreasing self esteem, as the more tears that run down my cheeks the more his volume crescendos. "Maybe if your head wasn't stuck into your job the entire time you'd realise how poor your social skills are." With each comment it is as though a dagger sinks heavily into my stomach, another pierced organ for every new word.

"Please Dan, I know that my job is very important to me and that's why I'm begging you to stay on tour." I begun to crouch down on my knees, by clammy hands clasped together, begging for him to stay, but it never seem like enough. "Dan, it's what Sam would want." I say softly, confident that this will turn thoughts. But it seems as though it is a tiny needle on a fragile camel's back, I have finally tipped the boat.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!!" Dan screams, the strength of the volume causing my ears to rind and throb. "You don't know anything about him, infactt you don't know anything about this band! Every time anyone sees you, they feel even more sorry for Sam because your presence is such a disgrace! You act all chummy with the rest of the band and crew, but everyone hates you. YOU WILL NEVER REPLACE SAME AND YOU WILL NEVER BE ACCEPTED HERE!!" He says screaming his last words with so much force, I almost fall over. He stares at me for a split of a second, his icy blue eyes seem to be freezing me still in my spot, leaving me only able to watch as he turns and walks away.