The Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold

✖ Chapter 32 ✖

Everything after that didn't matter. Sawyer stayed with me, attempting to calm me down as I sobbed my heart out. We got kicked out of the library because of my racket, and we sat together on the curb by the entrance of the school as we waited for Toni to pick me up. I hid my face between my knees as my body convulsed with the force of my crying. He rubbed circles on my back until I felt hands grip my arms and attempt to lift me.

I fell into Toni's arms like she was a lifeline. Together they bundled me in her car and she drove us off. I caught a glimpse of Sawyer looking after us from the rearview mirror and I felt a twinge of shame at having broken down to pieces in front of him.

And yet, thinking about that set me off again. Between hiccups I told Toni I'd been rejected from Rollins, that my life plan had fallen through before I was even able to start it. The failure sat heavy over me, crushing my heart and my spirit.

We made it home and I stumbled upon a box of Christmas decor that mama was working with. One look at me and she asked what was wrong. I dashed upstairs without answering as another bout of tears started. I didn't even feel bad that I was leaving Toni to deal with mama, all I wanted was to fall asleep and forget that this had happened. Forget everything. Not think about a thing. I locked myself in my room and fell facedown on the bed, burying my face against my pillow. I screamed until my throat felt raw.

Of course I wasn't going to forget any time soon. I'd been working so hard for four years, I'd done everything I could to make a standout application. I'd volunteered. I'd raised money. I'd directed school functions. I tutored. I was a hispanic, middle class girl. I fit the profile for some sort of entrance requirement quota. I was the best student in my class. I had recommendations from my school. Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? Did I get too distracted with Sawyer the past couple of months? But that shouldn't have erased everything I'd already done, and when Mr. Davies reviewed my applications he'd said it was the best one he'd seen since Peyton and Ellen last year. Since the girl who'd grown famous for trying to topple the patriarchy and since her best friend got into Princeton for journalism.

I squeezed the pillow until my hands hurt. That was where I'd failed. Everything I'd done was a succession of little things that were not interconnected under a life altering vision. I hadn't fought against oppression, worked for freedom of speech, civil liberties. I hadn't come up with a brilliant idea. I didn't have a unique pastime. I was just a girl out of thousands of applicants whose sole interest in life was getting into that school.

I wasn't special. I was nobody.

The realization hurt so much that I gasped. Oxygen couldn't get into my lungs fast enough. My entire body coiled with more tension than I knew what to do with, and I lay on the bed like that, suddenly too exhausted to do anything but that. I closed my eyes. They stung so much that I couldn't possibly cry any longer. I begged myself to fall asleep.

When I eventually did I was so exhausted that I felt no hunger, no thirst. I slept like a log amid nonsensical dreams of spray paint on brick walls. I didn't move a muscle while I slept and woke up to my alarm in the exact same fetal position. Everything ached and I was disoriented, but I had the certainty in my bones that I couldn't face the day. I didn't have the strength to put on a brave face and go about life like I hadn't just missed the train that was supposed to take me to my future.

Mama opened the door at the same time as I asked myself what was I going to do now. I heard the click of her tongue behind me.

"You didn't even change into your pajamas." After no response from me she grew closer. "Mija, I know it's hard, but you have to get up and move on. I'm sure the other schools you applied to are dying to pick you up."