Lotr Bullshit

Operation Seduce Thorin Oakenshield (Bilbo X Gandalf X Thorin)

Bilbo Baggins was in love. That was something he never thought he would say.
The hobbit knew he would find himself on this adventure. But he never imagined he would find so much, considering his small size.

He had read that love was supposed to be patient and kind. But this love was frustrating, confusing and a pain in the ass.

Bilbo scuffed his hairy feet against the ground and sighed for the tenth time in the last few minutes.

"Would you shut up! Act like a man!", Dwalin screamed before uttering a short battle cry and charging to the front of the party in a mood.

Bilbo sighed once again and pouted.

"Wassup Lad?" Balin asked, and once again Bilbo was surprised how different the two brothers were.

"I'm a terrible Burglar Balin. Everyone here has stolen more than I have, especially Thorin..." he sulked.

"What do yeh mean laddie? Dwarves are terrible theaves, we haven't stolen anything worthwhile in decades." the white haired dwarf shoved his meaty fists into the pockets of his cape and chuckled.

"You stole all of my food back at Bag End! And- and..." Bilbo felt his eyes stinging with warm tears and silenced himself.

"And wha?"

"Thorin... He- he stole my... My Heart Balin he stole my heart!" the Hobbit cried and threw himself of the floor.

Balin gasped, "But- But what about you and Gandalf. We all though the two of you were gonna get it on." he scratched his snow white head and mused.

The hobbit lay face down in the grass.
"That's the thing... I love them both." his muffled words hit Balin in the face like a cold wind.

Gazing down at the boy he knew he had to do something. It was time to be a matchmaker, time to take responsibility, time to take action, time to be a man, time to be gay, time to think like a hobbit, time to be a ninja spy, time to do some business, time to stop stalling and catch up with the others.

Balin picked up the Bilbo, who had gone rigid in shock, and threw him over his shoulder before marching to the back of the parade.

The grandpa dwarf spotted Fili and Kili dicking around in the thicket, likely trying to catch tishies. Tishies being made up creatures that Thorin used to distract the gruesome twosome from fucking about all day.

"Hey... Hey fuckwits!"

"Uncle Baliiiiiiiinnnnnn!" Kili sang.
"Long time no see dude."
"How ya been?"
"Knee still playing up?"
"How's uncle Dwalin?"
"Shut up you two!" Balin growled. "We have an important mission for you, so you can't fuck it up!"

"Sure!" Fili chirped.
"No problemoooo." Kili giggled.

"Right! Operation Get Thorin to Fuck Bilbo is about to begin." the old dwarf rubbed his hands together and snickered. (because you're not you when you're hungry 😉)

********tIMe SkiPp*******
"Are you sure this will work?" Kili asked looking down at the white dress that he was wearing.

"Yeah Bro! You have the least facial hair there ever was, and you're tall, and, like me, you make one smokin hot woman." Fili assured.

"This dress does define my gentle curves..." the brunette nodded.

"Remember uncle Balin told us not to fuck up. Pretty sure its important. All you gotta do is walk out there and distract him and I'll do the rest."

The brothers grinned at each other before Fili edged away leaving his younger brother to distract his uncle Thorin.

After a few minutes the young dwarf could hear the deep voiced chatter of Gandalf and Thorin. Ever blessed with perfect timing, he prance out from the bushes and presented himself.