Defy Desire

Chapter 13 - Maia

I called in sick the next day. My alarm went off and I sat up in my bed and hit the off button before swinging my legs out and sensing a sudden feeling of unease within me. It was the kind of feeling you get the morning after a wild night out when the memories are distant but you know you did something you shouldn't have and you can sense the feeling of shame within you but can't quite put your finger on the issue.

My tiredness was the filter blocking me from registering what had happened the day before, and once I rubbed my eyes and focused on the light streaming in through the balcony doors for a second, the image hit me. I cringed inside and put my head in my hands. Suddenly, waking up today having to go into work and face seeing him again or worry all day about seeing him made me feel worse than I did when it had just happened.

I didn't need to think about it, I called in. I told them I had a terrible migraine and would call them later to inform them if I'd be returning the day after.

I couldn't face the world today. Too much had happened in the last few days and my mind was a complete whirlwind of troubles. I didn't even have my best friend to call and cry to over it all. Even if we had made up, she'd still thrown it in my face about trying to make a move on...him. I had no trust in her now to ever discuss him again. I was alone in my predicament.

I moved to the kitchen to make a coffee and stared at the wall in front of me as I leaned against the counter waiting for the machine to pour. I couldn't escape the thoughts in the back of my mind reliving the moment and I tried to fight away the flutter in my chest, but it only grew. I felt so angry at myself for feeling this way. It was wrong and it should never have happened, and I had to be a responsible adult and make sure it never happened again. I was a healthcare professional. I was a student trying to get through these final months. I was young and had friends and a good life here and I knew I should just be thankful for that and just live it and not let any complications mess things up. I had run away from complications in Surrey.

Then there was Nate, who was an attractive, passionate and kind-hearted guy, who basically admitted he would love for us to give things a go. He was a nurse, like myself, not a hot-shot surgeon who came from a completely different world to me. He would treat me nice and we shared the same friends. It seemed so perfect on paper.

It wasn't as if I even needed a man in my life. Nate was an amazing friend and I stopped things going further for a reason. I had been happy as a single girl for almost three years and I could easily stay this way.

This thought took me back to three years ago when I was soon to be leaving home for St Alban's. My boyfriend at the time, Harrison, had driven me crazy for months planning our whole relationship ahead on what was going to happen once I left. He envisioned that we would take turns to drive to each other every weekend, and he would visit me occasionally through the week if he was working from home. In my mind, I was thinking about how I'd be studying or working all week and not have the time to spend with him on said days and weekends, I knew I'd be out every time. I told him this, and he just laughed it off, stating that we could stay in and share a bottle of wine between us with a movie and how this was so much better than crawling the streets, drunk and disorderly with a bunch of low-class students. He was such a prick about it.

The four years we had been together, he had become a different person. The laid-back, calm, warm-hearted boy I fell for had become my father, which wasn't a surprise, since he now worked for him. As soon as my father offered him that position after we left college, I knew it would go to Harrison's head. Swanning around the city in his expensive suits, kissing my Dad's arse at every opportunity, thinking he was the big bollocks at the office because his 'father in-law' ran the firm. He became an arsehole, and I only stayed with him out of comfort. The last thing I wanted was to waste more of my time in a long-distance relationship with him, and I called things off.

He was shocked. Not a heart-broken, hurt shocked; it was more the fact he couldn't believe I was breaking up with him. I remembered his first reaction clear as day. "Maia don't be worried about the distance. I'd never cheat on you. You can trust me and like I said, you can visit me every other weekend and I'll come and see you too. I'll wait for you."

Reality eventually set in for him when I told him plain and clear out of anger that he wasn't the person I loved anymore, and I didn't want to see him after I moved away. I told him to move on. Find another girl more suited to him, who studied business or politics and wore a pants suit and carried the same Chanel shoulder bag in a different colour every day. He asked me if I was wanting the single life in St Alban's so I could sleep around and not feel guilty, to which I slapped him, and he called me a bitch. I threatened to tell my father if he didn't get out immediately and he left, slamming the door, and I never saw him again. My father had tried to talk me around to sorting things out with him, but I just let him ramble on and changed the subject every time.

I grabbed my coffee and moved to the sofa, loading up Netflix and proceeding to watch re-runs of Friends. This is how I planned to spend the whole day. Rarely did I venture into the wicker basket kept on the top shelf of my pantry that contained junk food galore, but today was a valid excuse. So, I did just that, only moving from the sofa to refill my drink or use the toilet, and every time the thought of you-know-who popped into my mind, I ate a peanut butter cup and pushed it away.

✨✨✨

I looked at my phone and the time was 23:30pm. I had literally sat around all day, feeling sorry for myself, and had ignored all activity on my phone. Nate had text me asking if everything was okay. I figured he must have asked Rachel about my whereabouts. My Mum had also text, reminding me again not to forget about Dad's birthday.

At this point, I'd ate far too much sugar and hadn't even had a meal all day. My eyes were stinging from watching so much T.V and the thought that I probably had to go back to work tomorrow made my stomach turn.

I forced myself to turn everything off and go to bed. I had to stop being a coward and just get on with things. I would just ignore his presence; pretend he wasn't there and if he tried to talk to me, I could just walk away. He would get the message and back off and hopefully not force me into scrubbing in with him anymore. Realistically, it was stupid of me to allow this man to disturb my education and get me so wound up. I was pretty sure he had probably gone into work with no worries. I bet he hadn't worried about bumping into me or called in sick to avoid me, so why should I continue hiding? I built this attitude up in my head and retired to bed, feeling a little more relaxed, still ignoring the little voice in the far corner of my mind that had been hanging around all day...still reminding me of that moment.