This.. notes

Conflicted/Confused

People ask me

why I am the way I am

I'm afraid to be happy

because I know it doesn't last

Yet I am happy

I'm a happy person

But I'm also sad

I understand yet am confused

I'm a mass of unsolvable conflictions

I'm afraid to care and afraid to like

Anyone

I'm afraid it will be ripped out of my grasp

The only thing it seems to lead to is heartbreak and sadness

It's a scary thought

But it's true

I don't fear the oblivion of death

I fear life

It's a beautiful and wonderful thing

sometimes

But in other times

it's angry and heart wrenchingly sorrowful

More so

I fear love

no matter how much it is wonderful

I'm always scared of the downfall

Sometimes I wonder

is it really worth it

to love

if you only get hurt in the end

I'm tired of being hurt

It's no ones fault though

It's my own

I fall to fast to hard

I can't help it

I tried to shield my heart

But I let down my guard

It's easy to let some people in

But you never know when they are going to leave footprints behind

I'm floating through life

Rolling with it all

Happy but scared

Because you have to go up

Before you fall down

These may all seem like ramblings

But it helps me think

I need to let it out sometimes

I hate that I would rather feel pain than nothing at all

Yet sometimes it may be better to be numb

I don't know anymore

Hopefully I'll find out

What exactly

I don't know that either

Maybe everything

Maybe nothing

But at least I'll have something

The hope that tomorrow

I will have a better understanding

Than yesterday