i'm not the prettiest flower but i'll do

rather than reacting out of frenzied emotions and a hazy mind

mood: slow dancing in the dark- joji

Sunday, October 28th 10:17 am

It was the latest Louis' ever woken up, but he felt well rested. When he woke, his eyes were so puffy they couldn't open all the way, but he didn't remember a time he felt so relaxed. The circumstances could've been better however, he'll take what he could get. He wasn't happy Harry was gone in anyway, but now that the whole chaos was over he finally had a clear mind and was able to look at things from a different point of view. Having a good sleep gave him the time to look at things rationally rather than reacting out of frenzied emotions and a hazy mind.

The first thing he did when waking up was read Harry's letter about three or four times over again before getting out of bed and heading to the shower. As he showered, he thought about everything Harry said in the letter and in person. There were mixed feelings about the letter itself because it made him happy while simultaneously making him sad— as goes for their conversation in person. Nothing that was written was truly worthy of getting upset over because it was full of understanding and support, but it was what the letter resembled: the ending of their friendship. It was his fault but still, he was allowed to be upset over it. And it was the fact that Harry spoke such kind, sweet words and how he allowed Louis to figure himself out and where he stood on their friendship. That alone almost made Louis want to shred his letter to pieces and to circle Harry in a hug and never let go.

He hasn't had someone so caring in his life and he didn't think he'll ever be able to get used to it, but it's only been just over twelve hours and Louis was missing Harry or the idea of Harry really. Because, obviously, he wasn't in the mood to be around people at the moment but not having the idea of Harry being there in case he did felt like something was missing. It only been twelve hours and Louis was missing Harry's stupid, annoying, persistent text messages from the second he woke to the minute he fell asleep. He missed the notifications of Harry tagging him in posts on different social medias. His day just started and he was already missing that boy because there were no text messages or notifications from being tagged in posts.

Though being well rested, his mood still wasn't as good as it could be. Losing a friend wasn't the easiest thing to handle, especially if they were anything like Harry: kind, supportive, caring, beautiful. Just like not too long ago, Louis let the water bounce off his skin as he stood with his head drooped between his shoulders with hairs stuck to his face and neck. There were many things Louis could've felt, especially with a clear mind, but he felt nothing. It was like all his emotions cancelled each other out: he was sad but he also felt somewhat of joy, he felt guilty yet content with his decision, he wanted to do nothing but mope but he also wanted to busy himself to distract him from the decision he made.

Throughout his lengthy shower, his mind kept switching from the letter to Harry, Friday night, the costume, the kiss, how he was a few months ago compared to now, and everything else possible. So much had happened in the few months they've known each other and it was quite literally life changing— Harry was life changing. Louis finally made a friend, a genuine one at that. He used to be so timid and afraid of the world and little did he know that in just a few months he'd be telling the cute boy from across the street his deepest darkest secrets. It was all a scary thought, but was what he was doing worth it? Was all the effort he put into keeping Harry away really worth it? When at the end of the day he'd just keep coming back? Was all the pushing away worth it that Harry would finally agree to it?

The simple answer was no, it truly was not worth it. Louis didn't really believe in the phrase 'you don't know what you got until it's gone' until now. He didn't think he took Harry for granted, but it was obvious how much he had. If he wholeheartedly utilised Harry's friendship for the better, then he wouldn't be feeling so empty. He felt empty because he didn't know Harry's role in his life because he was too busy worrying about what he thought his intentions were rather than what they actually were. The more complex answer had to do with the details of every single thing involved and how he felt about it. Because he was glad he wasn't a burden but he was sad that he didn't have the idea of Harry. He felt guilty about his decision but thought it was the right thing to do.