Always Okay ─ n. romanoff ✓

sixteen

SASHA didn't know how long she had been out when she came to in the Potomac, her entire body submerged in the muddy water, but by the time her head popped above the surface, every single Helicarrier had been decimated. Debris was floating all around her, and she could feel new cuts and burns searing beneath the touch of the cold water. Her heart was palpitating, pain exploding across her chest. Sasha inadvertently let out a strangled scream, and the world was beginning to go black again.

"God, not again."

In her state of semi-consciousness, Sasha could sense someone's arm wrapping around her waist. The pain contracted and expanded in the space behind her ribs, fire running through her veins. She tried to speak, but the words couldn't seem to form. Her eyes opened for a brief moment, and she could see the riverbank growing closer. Next thing she knew, her body was tossed onto the dirt.

"What's that?" a man's voice said gruffly.

"Her name is Sasha," Alexandra's voice responded. "I...I couldn't let her die. She...I think I used to be someone. Out there."

Sasha forced her eyes open.

"You were," she murmured. "You both were."

"What's wrong with her?" Bucky Barnes asked.

"I have no idea. She just passed out." Alexandra yanked Bucky's arm. "But we have to help her and whoever that other idiot is. They might know who we are." She looked down. "I had a name. Alexandra Carter. Maybe they can tell us more."

"KillSwitch, we can't wait. We have to leave. Someone will find them."

"But..."

"Now."

Sasha rolled over onto her stomach, sending a stabbing sensation through her chest. The world blurred, but she could just barely make out two figures slipping into the woods. She pushed herself onto her feet, head spinning. Steve had apparently also found his way to the riverbank, his own body laden with cuts and bruises. He was unconscious, or at least that was what it looked like in Sasha's blackening vision. She stumbled over to him.

"Fuck!" she exclaimed, feeling around for him. Sasha's small hands finally gripped his shoulder. She was seriously wishing she had kept better track of her phone.

"Hello?" Sasha said into the comm set. "Is anyone listening?"

"Sasha?"

"Nat? Is that you?"

"Yeah, Sash. Where are you?"

Sasha began to cry. "I don't know. Some wooded area on the side of the river that's facing the Triskelion. Steve and I, we're both here. I...something's wrong. I've already passed out once, and I can't keep myself awake much longer. Everything is going black."

"Hey, calm down. Stay where you are. We're going to find you."

More pain surged through her chest. Sasha gasped for air, falling forward onto the ground. She looked up at the sky, inhaling a painful breath. Thick tears rolled down her wet face, her chest aching as though she'd been stabbed. Sasha closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, drifting off into unconsciousness. Again.

★★★

"Sasha, please wake up. Please."

Natasha combed her fingers through Sasha's red bangs. She let her forehead fall against the pillow, her left hand squeezing Sasha's limp one. Monitors were beeping all around the room, sensors hooked up to Sasha's chest and arms and every other part of her body. Tears pricked at Natasha's eyes at the sight of Sasha with a tube up her nose.

"I'm sorry I couldn't stop you," she murmured. "I should have done something. Maybe if I paid more attention to you, this never would have happened."

"Nah, this one's all on me."

Natasha shot upright. Much to her surprise, Sasha's eyes fluttered open. Sasha sat up slowly, taking in the hospital room. She gently yanked the tube and smiled weakly.

"Didn't think I'd ever need one of these again."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Natasha's voice slid out of her mouth without a second thought. "You had an arrhythmia, Sasha, because you've done permanent damage to your heart. You lied to me. You told me you had stopped."

"No, I didn't." Sasha pulled her hand away from Nat's. "I said nothing, and you assumed I did so you could feel better. It's not like you care, anyway. What the fuck is it to you if I drop dead? You just don't want more blood on your hands."

Natasha leaned backward in her chair, too shocked to say anything. There was so much she wanted to tell Sasha, so much she was feeling, but it all seemed to get caught in her throat. Neither of them said anything for a full five minutes.

"Is that really what you think?" Natasha whispered finally. "That I don't care about you?" She looked up, her eyes meeting Sasha's. "Sasha, you're all I've ever had. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here. As much of a pain in my ass as you are, you're a much better person than I have ever been. I need you around."

"Really?" Sasha turned over and smiled. "I appreciate that my ability to reference a wide variety of early two-thousands television shows has profoundly influenced you." She sighed. "You have to know I don't like lying to you about this stuff. I don't like starving myself, period."

"So then why do you do it?" Natasha asked. She watched as tears gathered in Sasha's blue eyes.

"Because I don't know how to stop. It's not a choice, Nat. People don't starve themselves because they want to lose weight or because they like the way it feels. It's an addiction. When you see the number on the scale going down, that's what feels good. You don't want to lose that feeling, and it just spirals. It feels so fucking miserable, but you're in control. And honestly, I deserve to feel like garbage."

"Why?"

"I'm an awful person," Sasha cried. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for everything I've ever done wrong to you, and to everyone else in the world. I'm sorry you got stuck with me. It isn't fair to you. So let me die. Let my heart self-destruct."

"I'm never going to let you die, Sasha," Nat said. Sasha snorted, then choked on the drip.

"Just wait until I'm older. You'll practically be pushing me off the cliff."