Make it all go away

Relapse

When they first started again, it was just at night. Sam could handle that, he'd wake up, and then just lie in bed waiting for Dean to wake up. It was fine, he was coping.

It had been a month now since Dean had found Sam, and still they hadn't really had a proper talk. Sam didn't want to talk about it, but he knew he'd have to, they always say a problem shared is a problem halved. So he decided that today would be the day, he glanced over at the clock in the scummy motel room and say it was 4am, perfect. Enough time for Sam to sort out what he was going to say before Dean woke up.

Sam started to hear Dean stir at around 8am. So, Sam did what he always did, lay back down and pretended to be asleep until Dean woke him up. It wasn't ideal, but it was something. So it happened like it always did, Dean got up, then walked over and shook Sam "awake", same old same old, but today Sam was going to make it different.

"Hey Dean? I need to talk to you about something, well not just something, The something." Dean spun back around as he'd been walking away from Sam's bed.

"Oh! Okay, well, do you wanna eat first, or are you ready now?" typical Dean, always worrying about food and Sam's eating. Even though it'd been a month, and Sam was slowly but surely returning to his normal size, he was less muscle now but he looked a lot more like a normal alive human being now rather than an ex junkie.

"Now, I feel like if I don't do it now, I may never say it. So you're probably wondering why I left in the first place. Well, in all honestly, I thought it was because you were disgusted with me because of what Lucifer did to me in hell. Now, I know, it sounds stupid but you wanted the whole truth so that's what I'm trying to do here okay." Sam took a few deep breaths before continuing, "I know it was stupid of me to run off without telling you, or just waiting for you to get back to actually talk it through. And I honestly didn't mean to go this long without speaking to you man, everything just got out of hand really. It was the day I left, that I took my first hit, and first used my knife to get Lucifer out of my head, it was a way of coping Dean. It was a tough time, and I was alone. I know it was down to me that I was alone, and I realized it was a mistake so soon after I left, but I just couldn't face you the way I was. I just thought you'd think of me as pathetic and disgusting, and I just couldn't bear to see that look on your face, the one you give to the things we hunt, because I know I wasn't any better than them. But I'm trying now Dean, I'm trying so hard to stay on track, I'm so grateful you found me when you did, I know if you hadn't I probably wouldn't have been around for much longer. You brought a hope back to me that I'd lost such a long time ago, and I know how much you hate these chick flick moments, but I just had to let you know how sorry I am for everything I put you through this last year, it never really occurred to me how much you actually cared, my judgement was so clouded, and I'm so sorry, for everything Dean." Sam's hands were shaking now as he looked away from Dean waiting to see his response.

"Sammy, man." Sam felt Dean's hand slowly hold his wrists and turn them over to look at his scars again, "I could never, ever be disgusted in you Sammy. You're my little brother, my whole world. I'd do anything or you man, I hate myself every day for letting that shit happen to you in hell. I wish every day it could have been me there and not you. I was the worst big brother at the time you needed me most, and I'll never forgive myself for letting you leave that motel room. I know you're changed now, and things will never be the same between us, but I swear I will spend every last waking minute of my god dammed life looking out for you Sammy. I don't do it simply because dad drilled it into me all those years ago, I do it because it's what I want to do that, it's all I've ever wanted to do was protect you Sammy, I know I failed you then, but I will never, never fail you again, and if you ever, and I mean ever, want to talk about this, it's completely cool, I'll let you be the exception to the chick flicks rule." Sam slowly looked back up into Dean's eyes, and he knew he was being completely serious, it was a rare thing to see Dean like this his green eyes full of remorse and regret, and Sam knew he couldn't have been more serious in that moment.