Make it all go away

Loss

Sam slowly made his way out of the bathroom after patching himself up. He didn't make bad cuts, that wasn't what was hurting him, it was the fact he'd gone behind Dean's back again, and lied to him, again.

He walked back into the room and saw Dean still sleeping peacefully on the bed, Sam suddenly felt sick and had to rush out of the room to get some fresh air or he was afraid he would have thrown up what he was now managing to keep down.

He made is way out of the motel and turned around the corner where he doubled over and leaned back against the wall. His breathing was heavy, and he was sweating, but he was already starting to feel slightly better the longer he stayed like that. After he'd finally calmed himself down, Sam returned to the motel room. He picked up some food from the local store before hand giving him a valid excuse as to why he left the room if Dean was up when he got back.

He returned to see that Dean was still in the room, but rather than being asleep as Sam expected him to be, he was sat with at the small table facing away from the door. Sam slowly closed the door behind him, wary of the way Dean was sat, and he had just begun walking over to the table when Dean spoke.

"Sam. How nice of you to come back, you know when you wake up and find your brother missing without any sign of where he went you think, oh maybe he juts popped out for a walk. Then after an hour or so you start to worry where he might be, so you try his phone, only he doesn't pick up. Then, after two hours, you think something bad might have happened to him, so you start to panic and try and look for clues to see if anyone had taken him, but when you find nothing you feel confused and helpless. But then after three hours, that thought pops back into your head, the thought you never wanted to think again, maybe your little brother's gone again, maybe he's run away and left you all alone for a second time in your life. Maybe he never actually wanted to be found, maybe he enjoyed living on the brink of death in a drug slum. Or maybe your brother's just a total dick who enjoys fucking you about and throwing your emotions right out the window." Dean slowly turned around as he finished the statement. He looked both confused and upset at the same time, Sam simply looked bewildered at the attack that had just come from Dean, he couldn't believe what Dean was saying.

"Dean...I..I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking I just needed sone fresh air is all, I didn't even realise how long I'd been gone." Sam was starting to have trouble with his breathing again and he knew he was going to have a panic attack if he didn't do anything about it, "I know I messed up but I..I..I"

"Woah Sammy, are you alright, hey hey breathe man it's okay, I overreacted is all. Calm down alright, I'm not that mad it's alright I get it, time just got away from you, calm down Sam"

Sam was trying desperately hard to try and calm his breathing but all of a sudden it felt like the walls were closing in on him and he couldn't do anything about it. He just kept on panicking in the hopeless effort to calm down. Then his cuts starting burning as he was overwhelmed by the guilt they were causing him, he knew he had to tell Dean but couldn't get any words out. Sam slowly started tugging up his sleeve as Dean gave him a confused look, but he knew he had to show him somehow.

Dean was still staring at Sam as he slowly moved over to him. He placed on hand on Sam's shoulder for reassurance but he could see that Sam was trying to show him something. He saw Sam tug up his sleeves and so helped him with one hand whilst keeping one hand firmly planted on Sam's shoulder.

Dean took a sharp intake of breat has he finally saw what Sam was showing him, there were fresh cuts on his arms. Dean knew Sam hadn't touched his arms with a blade since after Dean found him. Why had he done it now?

"Sammy? Hey it's okay, I'm not mad okay, calm down alright we can talk about this." Dean was trying his best to calm Sam down, but nothing he was trying seemed to be working. "Sam, I need you to listen to me okay, just listen to the sound of my voice. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, not anymore, I'm here, and you know I would never hurt you. I'm not mad Sammy, I'm not. I just need to you try and calm down so we can talk about this."