Golden Days // The Outsiders

Chapter Six:

It's been about a week since my breakdown. Well, I guess it was really a day full of many breakdowns.
I don't know if I've ever cried that much in front of so many people. Well . . . Maybe that isn't completely true.
At mom and dad's funeral, I tried my hardest to hide my pain.
I did cry, but I would leave the room to do so.
I knew I would be spending the next few years of my life being bossed around by Darry, so I knew it was probably best to hide my pain around him and everyone else.

My parents deaths changed everything about mine and my brother's lives.
As much as Darry wanted to go to college, he knew he couldn't do that to me and Soda. He decided against putting us in a boys' home because he knew how mom and dad would have felt about that. He also knew that the next four years of his life would revolve around his younger brothers.

I don't really think about mom and dad's funeral a lot. Though it wasn't even all that long ago, I can only very faintly remember their funeral. I guess I kind of blocked it from my memory because I was going through so much stress and grief.
I can remember little things, but only the specifics, really.

I remember after the service, though. I felt tears welling in my eyes and I knew if I cried in front of all of the people there, they would all crowd around me. I wanted no attention, so I ran into a room somewhere down a dark hallway in the big church. I sat down on a bench beside a big window. I cried quietly, but paused as I heard footsteps from down the hallway. I jumped when the door opened slowly.
It was Two-Bit.
"Hey, Pony," He said quietly.
He walked over to me. I quickly wiped my face and looked at the ground. He sat down beside me.
It was quiet for a few minutes until he broke the silence, "What are you doing in here all alone?" He asked.
I looked up at him for a second. I could've sworn his cheeks were tear stained. He had been crying too.
Two-Bit was always real close to mom and dad, all of the gang was.

I let out a sob but quickly covered my mouth. I was not going to let myself cry in front of Two-Bit.
I uncovered my mouth and let out a sigh, which was followed by another loud sob. I covered my face with my hands and put my head in my lap. I felt a hand on my back, I looked up and Two-Bit had his hand on my back trying to comfort me.
"You know, it's okay to cry. It's okay," He said soothingly.
Tears streamed down my face and I started crying uncontrollably hard.
The next thing I knew, Two-Bit was hugging me and my head was pressed against his chest. He let me cry for a good half hour and then I stopped, but we stayed like that for a little while longer.
--
It was about a half hour into basically laying in Two-Bit's lap that I realized that he probably wanted me to get up.
I sat up slowly and Two-Bit let go of me.
I looked up at him, into his eyes. What beautiful brown eyes he had. Why had I never realized how beautiful his eyes were? I asked myself that question over and over.
I could get absolutely lost in them.

"Uh," Two-Bit swallowed. He looked nervous. "S- So, you're okay now, Pony?" He asked sheepishly.

"Y- Yeah. I'll be all right. Thanks," I replied.
--
I remember laying in bed that night.
I couldn't get him off of my mind.
What were these feelings?
At this time, Soda was still talking to us all so I didn't feel afraid to talk to him.

I rolled over in bed and looked at Soda.
He seemed to be awake, and he didn't have work the next day so what harm could asking one question do?

"Soda?" I said quietly, but loud enough for him to hopefully hear me.
He didn't budge.
"Soda?" I said a little louder as I tapped his arm.
He turned his head to look at me as he rubbed his face.
"What?" He asked
"I know I've asked you questions like this before, but . . . have you.. have you ever been in love before?" I asked.
"Well, yeah. I'm in love with Sandy," he replied.
"But have you ever loved anyone before Sandy?" I asked.
"Yeah, a few. Why?" He asked.
"How old were you when you had your first love?" I asked.
He sighed. "Probably around your age." He smiled. "Why? Who're you in love with?" He asked.
I paused. "I don't know," I said as I rolled back over and closed my eyes.
Soda chuckled lightly, then did the same.

I couldn't tell what was more wrong. The fact that I was thinking about another boy when I should have been thinking of my parents, or the fact that I was thinking that way about another boy.