happy endings are for fairy tales // kiani au

THIRTY-TWO: JORDAN

andddd i made a mistake in the past a/n... this book will most likely end in chapter forty-one! -aŁ

19 august 2017

i do not know if the face i saw yesterday was jasmine's or will's.

i know the feelings were real. i know my stomach had been fluttering with butterflies, a burning desire to show affection to the person in front of me. but still, i am unsure who i had - at the bottom of my heart - hoped that person was.

the blanket given to me is already on the floor when i awake. the clothes i wore yesterday are plastered on my body, sticky with sweat and - what i assume to be - beer. it produces a sour smell, a distinct interference to the pounding headache in my alcohol-addled mind.

"need some advil?" jasmine asks. i look up to see her on the same couch she sat on yesterday, watching me as if she is a visitor waiting for a patient in a hospital bed to wake up. she holds a warm cup of coffee that rests on a blanket across her lap, a pill bottle in her other hand.

"please," i say.

she passes me the pills, which i swiftly gulp down with some water. my brain continues to convulse in my skull; drinking more water does not help much, either.

"uh... about yesterday," i start. biting my lip, i realise i have no idea how to continue, my mind focused solely on the throbbing rhythm in my head. jasmine folds her arms, looking down in heavy silence. i know i need to say something, "let's forget about it, ok?"

"i knew this was coming," she states blankly. i open my mouth to apologise, but her pupils suddenly flicker to meet mine, stifling me immediately. her sharp chin gestures towards a huge, dark patch of liquid on my shirt, "need some clothes to change into?"

"no, it's fine. i'll manage. it's sunday anyway, isn't it?" i press my fingers into my temple, trying to massage the headache out.

jasmine laughs superficially, "one night of drinking and you're already untethered from reality. classic. it's saturday, bayani, and the clothes are in a bag over there; they're my roommate's."

with not much of a choice left, i relent, heading to the bathroom to change.

when i return to the seat with the baggy clothes on, there is a sombre tension between us. i know there are words between us that neither of us are willing to say out loud. jasmine gently swirls the coffee in her mug with a spoon, avoiding my gaze in the foam of her beverage.

"tell me about will" she breaks the silence out of the blue, "what'd he do?"

i bite the inside of my mouth. how could such a complicated situation be concised  into a single story? there is too many depths to this incident -- the helplessness will had pit me in a year ago, manifested in the same scenario once again, the feelings of stupidity replying one too many times, just when i had thought i could trust him. not to mention the unexplainable affection i still have for that prick.

"it's a long story," i reply, sinking even further in the couch as i press my head back against cold leather.

"who is the zach guy?" she pries, this time tossing me a snack from the pantry next to her. just before i tell her she could not have known him from anywhere, jasmine continues, "let me make a wild guess: white, wears glasses, loud contagious laugh, brown hair, blue eyes, crooked nose."

"you know him? how?" i ask in shock.

"i told you it was a guess. i saw him at denny's with will once," she shrugs, but the spoon in her mug stops suddenly, her manicured fingers perfectly still. a slight quiver in her lips before she hesitantly closes her mouth, catches my eye.

"i... see," i frown dubiously. another minute of complete stillness idles between us, crawling under my skin. jasmine knew how zach looks like, but why did that matter? she had never even met him at all.

"listen, jordan," jasmine's voice intrudes my thoughts suddenly. it is then when i realise she has been staring at me intently the entire time, blue eyes scrutinising my every word and movement, "i know i'm in no position to insert myself into your business and you just want a listening ear, but i need to tell you this. i have no idea what to make out of it, but it's struck me as something you might want to hear. so hear me out, ok?"

my eyebrows furrow in bewilderment. pausing, i nod slowly for her to continue, hearing her shaky exhale.

"i saw them. last friday. i recognised will immediately, at least. i didn't want to face him, so i steered clear from their table, even washed off my makeup hoping he wouldn't recognise me without it. but he caught my eye when he left for the bathroom, and just as he's walking, i see zach take the phone will had left behind with his earphones. then, i was called to bring food to table 38 - i remember so clearly, and," she swallows, chewing on her lip, "it sounds so stupid, but i know what i saw. suddenly will just starts blurting out loud vulgarities and is obviously upset with zach, snatches then phone out from zach's hand," the frown on her face deepens, "it has to be will's, the one with the... pure black phone case?"

jasmine glances up at me for confirmation, which i give her with a nod. he'd changed his phone case when bianca passed away, not wanting to see the photo of them there anymore.

"i tried to ignore it, but everyone was staring. will stormed off and  zach looked flat-out pissed. i don't know what the hell he saw or what was the big fuss, just that zach took will's phone without permission or something," she recounts, "my coworker didn't even dare tell will to come again - he said will was that furious."

"so when he left, i thought i should ask him if everything was ok. but by the time i got out there, he was just there, alone, staring at his phone. and christ, i've never seen anyone look so.... so distraught. terrified. he saw me right then, i was about to approach him before he took everything and ran," jasmine says, "it sounds so stupid. i don't even know what the whole thing means; i just feel like you needed to hear it. there's something more with this whole 'will is blackmailing zach' situation, i know it. that look he gave... i swear, couldn't be from a person in control. frankly, i got scared just looking at him so terrified."

"how..." i stutter from the overwhelming information, my heart racing. i know will. he can hide his emotions so well that the only hint of his feelings is through tiny gestures. his rage could easily be misread as panic if he really tried to hide it. there is only one way i can know, without a doubt, that there is something more than zach is disclosing: if jasmine can answer this, "how could you tell he was scared?"

jasmine gazes at me, her eyes darting down to the floor instantly. pressing her fingers against her forehead, she closes her eyes tightly, as if trying conjure up an image of will that day, "the way he gripped his phone, how he just stared blankly at his phone like his soul had left him..." she pauses, "he cursed under his breath, pulled on the string of his hoodie so hard i swear it could have strangled him."

pulling on the string of his hoodie. tugging at his hair when going out to lunch. fiddling with the wire of his controller before we kissed. playing with loose threads on his shirt that day in detention. an indication of fear, nervousness, something he always did before we fell in the next pitfall, the one habit he could never conceal.

i know in that instant something is terribly wrong with the truth i had believed in. this is the will i've always known, the one who is capable of horrible things, but also the one who does not judge me no matter what i do, who smiles at the thoughts of hippos and teases me saying i'm an undercover nerd. i don't know for sure what he has done, but i know that this is not as straightforward as i had assumed. there is more to the story than will blackmailing his friend.

if not, what could have triggered such a huge outburst?

a thought passes my mind like a bullet; i am momentarily stunned. i scramble to turn on my phone, clicking on the contact under 'blocked numbers'. there is one secret i know will could never, ever have let out; one thing that could have got him that scared.

where is it? my eyes scan through the messages in grey erratically. where is the message saying "i think i am gay"?

i see it, except i don't. next to a small 'prohibited' icon, "this message was deleted".

fuck, a part of me didn't want to be right.