Only One Dream

Chapter 6

"I’ve never stopped loving you, Amanda. Not for a moment. Not once."

- The Best of Me, coming to theaters October 17

Chapter 6

Ramsey

It had to be done. There was no way around it. I stared at that number.

Seventy.

I had never gotten below an eighty before on any test in my life. A 70 on a midterm exam was horrible.

Distractions. Too many distractions. I didn’t want to do it. I was happy. She made me happy. I would resent her. I would blame her. I would never get into medical school. I would be miserable. I would make her miserable.

I loved her. I was sure she loved me. She never told me, but I could feel it. I never told her again, but she knew it.

How could I let her go? I didn’t want to. She was perfect. She was everything. She fed me dinner and asked what I wanted to eat. She never pushed me to do anything with her except eat dinner. Her excuse was that I had to eat, and I did have to eat. She only looks after my best interests.

Seventy.

I didn’t want to tell Josie goodbye. I could always be close to her, but it would never be the same. It would be over. There would be a barrier between us. I could never hold her hand. I could never kiss her lips. I could never watch her cook for me. I could never smile into her eyes. I could only carry her in my heart.

I had done it before. I could do it again.

But why did I have to? Why did I have to let her go?

She was a distraction. I would regret ever getting involved. It would be worse in the long run. She would get over me. She would find someone better, someone more deserving. I never deserved her. I should have never even thought I did. I should have not fought Phil on her. They could have been really happy. I messed that up too.

I dropped my exam to the ground and stood from my bed. I became a zombie. I didn’t know who was driving me. My heart died with each step up the stairs to her apartment. The apartment I loved to be in. I would never be able to come here again. I turned the knob, and I smelled dinner. She was cooking for me. I walked in and saw her put pasta into a bowl. She placed it down by my chair and smiled. She would never smile at me like that again. I went to her and grabbed her hand while I explained that I needed to talk to her. Her face became worried. Her smile vanished. It would never light up for me ever again. I had already lost her.

I explained how I did so poorly on my exam. She frowned and went to hug me. I placed a hand on her shoulder. Her face looked pained. I had pushed her away. I couldn’t look at her face anymore. I told her the truth.

I told her that she was too much of a distraction. I couldn’t do this anymore. I said I would try, but I made no promises.

She debated me. Tears dripped down her face. I made her cry. She tried to hug me and reason with me, but I shook my head.

She grabbed my face and kissed me. I forgot why I was here. I kissed her back. I gripped her shirt between my fists and kissed her hard. I loved her. I loved Josie Stevens. She loved me. I could tell with her urgency. I was breaking her heart. I released her lips. She rested her forehead on my chest and cried. She begged.

“Please.”

I shook my head.

“Please, Ramsey.”

I shook my head again.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

She beat on my chest, not enough to hurt. She lost her will. I stole her heart and tossed it away. I coddled her face one last time, memorizing the hurt that I left her with. It would have been worse later on.

“I’m sorry.”

I turned and walked out of the door. I walked out of her life.

I heard her sob. I listened as she slammed her door. I stood by her window and heard her sob.

I was the worst person in the world. I made the most beautiful woman cry. Who did a thing like that?

She didn’t leave her apartment for two days. I assumed she skipped her classes. The next time I saw her, she was pale and she had a bag packed for the weekend. She was going home. She probably needed that. Her eyes were lost when she drove away.

She did love me. Josie Stevens loved me and I lost her forever.

I passed her in the hall once in between classes. I stared at her. She saw me, but ignored me. I deserved that. I deserved a lot more pain.

I ran into her on the stairs at the apartment. She excused herself as she passed by. Our arms touched, and I could still feel her for a week afterwards.

Spring Break came, and I watched her jump into that same red jeep that we had once had in a previous life. It wasn’t this life. This life was a horrible life. She came back in that same jeep, but sat in the back seat with a guy. She kissed the guy on the cheek before he helped her down. She smiled at him, but when she turned towards the apartment, her smile fell. She glanced at me before going up the steps. I didn’t make a face or say a word. I was nothing to her.

A few weeks later, a guy in a tux picked her up. She was stunning in a long black dress. Her hair was swept up and long earrings sparkled next to her beautiful face. Immaculate. She was immaculate, and she wasn’t mine.

I looked at my grades and I knew what I did was the right thing to do. She would move on. She was getting better. I was getting worse, but I was also getting what I deserved. I deserved more of a hell than I put myself in. I saw her tears every day. I would never forget the day that I made Josie Stevens cry. I would never forget the day I walked away from the love of my life.

My chest stopped aching long ago. My chest was hollow. It was empty. I had lost my heart and my soul. I only listened to my brain. My stupid brain. I was going to be a doctor. I kept telling myself I was going to be a doctor, and she would be okay.

I loved her enough to let her go. I knew that it would just be worse. I would move to New Orleans and never see the light of day. Then I would move across country to learn and train to become the best doctor. I knew she would meet someone who would sweep her off of her feet. She would meet someone who would put her first and not put their own selfishness above her.

The end of the semester came, and she was moving out. I hated to see her leave. I missed the pounding of my heart every time I used to see her. She was amazing and beautiful. She would always be, but she will be someone else’s. I would never see her again. When her car was piled up, she would be gone from my life forever. She was already gone, but I had these few months just to remember her. I would never forget her scent or the texture of her hair. I could still feel how her hand fit perfectly inside of mine. I would never forget her. I would always be honored that she chose me.

I watched her get into her car. She looked back once. She gave me a sad smile. She would hate me forever. I always knew that. I ripped her heart in two. I would love her forever. I would eventually find someone, but she would always have a spot in my heart.

She tore her eyes away and drove far from my life.

Don’t hate me forever, Josie Stevens. I’m sorry.