I read till ive no strength to process another thought. Till i have filled my head with their stories. Their plots, their heros, their monsters. My reality lost for the time being. Drowned by their creativity. My eyes no longer able to focus properly in the harsh light of my cell phone. A migraine already taking hold of my small grasp of reality.
I need sleep as the desert needs moisture. But i cannot obtain it. No force is strong enough. Just the droning of memories that haunt me. I have no thought process - no reasoning of logical deductions.
Why am i still here if i cannot function. But i want to. I need to. Sleep.
A wave of emotions threaten me. I reread the last two chapters. I skim over past passages of three other ebooks. Ongoing dramas, dreams, fantasy, truths, fiction. Monsters, saints, sinners, ghosts.
If i exhausted my subconscious and my consciousness all at once i can create a void. A void of blankness. A place where my eyes fall shut involuntarily. My breathing stills and slips in a common rhythm. My body tenses then slumps into heavy immovable extremities.
Just before i slip into a dreamless existence a split second flash of pain attacks me. Im helpless. Paralyzed by the nothingness i forced my self into.
A burst of tears flow from the corner of my eyes and trail aimlessly down the sides of my face into my hair / ears / pillow. An uncontrollable sniff of snot is completed with out my knowledge or consent.
A facial grimace accompanied by an inaudible whimper finished off by the briefest muscular twitch of a smile.
I can feel him hover above me his weight sweetly crushing me. I can taste him. His minty breath mixing with mine. I can hear him his heatbeat pulsing loudly. I remember how his voice affects me an my body responds naturally. I want to say his name, see his face.
I am asleep now. It is over with. I am nothing now. I dont dream. I dont react. If i awake it will be by the natural process if the fates allow it.
If and when i awake, i will first seek the only thing that i hold higher than him. Higher than myself. Our offspring and theirs. The ones that make my life worth living.
