The Way We Were [Short Story]

5: You

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5: You

When DJ started using chopsticks when we ate at Chinese Restaurants, I noticed. He said he learned how to use it and might as well carry on with it.When he started putting cereal before his milk (he used to pour milk then cereal, weird. I know), I noticed. He said he found out that most people do it that way. When DJ started drinking water every 2 hours, I noticed. He insisted that the body needs it and he convinced me to do the same; I didn't. When DJ started to wake up before 9AM during a non-work day, I noticed. He said, everybody needs change so he did.

I believe that change is constant. And that nothing is ever permanent in the world except change. But I reckon everyone would agree when I say that nothing hurts more than seeing the one you love change in front of you. And not in the changing shirts kind of way. It's in the 'you're not the person I fell in love with' kind of change and even though you saw it coming, it still hurts.

"Are you alright?" DJ asked when I sighed for the nth time. I looked at me and nodded before putting my attention again to the TV. He shut off the TV and looked at me. "You're not fine."

"I am."

"You don't look like you're fine."

"Get of off me, DJ." I said and grabbed the remote from him. I turned on the TV and went back to watching. I pretended to not notice that he was staring at me; trying to analyze me or probably trying to figure out what's running through my mind but it had been already 5 minutes and he was still staring. So, I gave him a confused and annoyed look. "What do you want?" I asked.

"Are we okay?"

I raised an eyebrow. After everything, he asks me that. How annoying.

"Sure." I pursed my lips and turned up the volume of the TV but he was still staring that I had to turn off the TV and actually talk to him. "We need to talk."

He adjusted on his seat and faced me properly. I take a moment to look at him and I couldn't help but notice the change in his features. The past Kathryn would have noticed that his eye bags had gotten smaller and that he had more color in his face but perhaps it wasn't just DJ who changed. It was probably us. But the thing is, I noticed the changes in him and he probably didn't with mine. I don't know where I plucked out the courage to say what I said, but I found myself blurting out,

"I'm not happy anymore."

He seemed to know where I was coming from. His face was immediately filled with fear and sadness, I was surprised that there was no anger. But he didn't look surprised either. It seemed like he was expecting it, just not at this moment. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He looked down and then looked at me and then he opened his mouth again.

"You're not leaving me." It sounded like it was a demand. But his voice was in a whisper and his eyes were really sad that I decided not to call him out for being bossy. And then all of a sudden, the confusion was erased on his face. It seems like he knew why I wasn't happy anymore. "I wanna fix this." He says. His voice cracking. My insides tell me to reach out to him and squeeze his hand but I don't.

"I know." I said, biting my lip. "But you can't." He gives me a pleading look but then looks away.

"What went wrong?" He asked. I shot him a look. Really? Is he really asking me this question? I scoff and bite my lip, restraining myself from punching him in the face and then shouting at him the list of what went wrong. But I settle for a general answer.

"Nothing about is feels right anymore." I look at him and I wasn't sure if he was listening or not but I continue. "And I know you're only human, most specifically, just a guy and you get tempted every now and then but I can't take that. I want to be the only person you think about, the only person you talk about and I know that's selfish but that's how it works. That's how I want it to work."

"But you're the only one. I swear." He ran his fingers through his hair, getting frustrated by the minute. "And I need you." He said.

"And I need to get my shit together."

DJ sighed. "Kathryn. for the nth time, you are not leaving me."

I look at him and offer him a sad smile although I knew he was frustrated and quite a bit upset.

"But I can't stay."

He covers his face with hands and groans. His fists in a tight clench. He looks at me and I notice that his whole face was red. Either he was going to cry or he was really angry.

"For God's sake, Kathryn! It was one mistake. One mistake and you can't let it go." He half-yells. It was a surprise that he still had control over his voice.

I raise an eyebrow although I know where his frustration comes from.

"There's no one to blame but yourself." I say flatly. "I believed in you." I bite my lip and look away from him. "You are the only one who did it."

He grits his teeth.

"So, we're over."

I stood up and sat on the floor, as I opened the TV again. I looked at him and shook my head.

"No. We're workmates, we're a team. I'm just not your girlfriend anymore." It hurt. It hurt all the 7 billion nerves in my body but it was the kind of hurt that felt relieving at the same time.

"What are you doing? Acting like it doesn't bother you as much?! If it was the old Kathryn, she wouldn't give up on me easily. I don't even know." He hisses and then leaves the room.

I'm not the old Kathryn but I was happy he noticed that change.

I sit on the floor as I gather my thoughts and they're all full of broken promises that piss me off.