The Exact Opposite of a Growing Perpetuity

Chapter Three

3
#apologies

There was one thing you never understood. I couldn't let go of all the things that kept me here. I couldn't let go of all the things that kept me sane; the studying, the work, the chores, and errands, were all a distraction. I was afraid that if I let go, even if it were just for a second. If I took a break, took some time to relax then I would fall apart. Even more so, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to come back. 

The heel of my boot was clicking against the tiled floor in the classroom, my hands were in the front pockets of my jeans, pushing my leather jacket to the sides. I felt like I was prepared for war. My hair tied up, that could indicate combat for all anyone knew.

Being the type of person that occupied herself a lot with work and genuinely enjoyed studying and working on assignments. It was something that I was good at doing and I wore my GPA as if it were some form of pride. I did not necessarily advertise it, but when asked about it, I never hid it.

So one thing that did surprise me was your academic performance. You were incredibly good. But that wasn't what fascinated me, because many people have a great academic performance and that did not really account with the type of scores that they receive on their exams but that was a matter for another time. You had great exam scores, you knew how to talk smart, and that was it for me.

Your brain was attractive to me. Yes, I get how weird that sounds. And when I think back to it, what was I thinking and look where that got me? But god, could you talk smart and I could listen to you to talk to me like that all day. There were not many people stood on this planet who should have been allowed to be breathing that kind of oxygen. I had remembered that was something you had told me later on. Funny how that turned out now.

By the third week into the semester I had realized one thing, I was most definitely crushing on this insanely attractive male that was just the right kind of eye candy. But that was besides the point, you had specifically mentioned that you would be now starting private tutoring sessions for specific courses that we were accounted for.

The twenty-two year old male that was my classmate happened to also be my private tutor for a class that I did not know I would be failing in the near future. I was royally screwed.

I was currently pacing around the classroom in the university building where you were supposed to be giving someone a class. My brain kept telling me that this was a bad idea but I just wanted to spend more time with you and listening to you talk smart? Well, why the hell not?

"Hello!" I heard your voice and quickly turned back on my heel. I smiled and my hands quickly followed suit trying to explain what I was doing in a session that was not mine. "Is it all right with you if I sit in for this session, or do you prefer to stick to one on one tutoring? I know mine isn't scheduled until tomorrow but I'd like to sit in for both."

"No, of course not! Please." And your hand motioned to the seat that I was standing by. I nodded in appreciation.

"How are you?" you asked me, placing your backpack on the chair that was situated right by the first desk. You took out all the markers that you possibly had and aligned them on the stand.

I laughed and replied, "I'm dying."

"As usual, of course," you told me as you erased the board and took out your notes. Turning back and smiling at me. I returned the same gesture.

"What about yourself?" I inquired even though I knew what you were going to say.

"I'm good." It was always the same answer with you. You responded to everything like an automated robot. I had not even known you back then. The same thing, every single day, to the same people. Your lips always formed into a straight line. It was as if you went out of your way just to detach yourself from the living world around you.