The Forgiveness That I seek( Published)

Chapter 3

The dinner started on a pleasant note with Guru Vashisht announcing the date of crowing of Prince Ram. It had been decided that Ram will be crowned as the king of Ayodhya the coming Monday. Everyone was happy and questioned Ram about his journey to Lanka and victory over Ravan. Ram turned to Hanuman and Hanuman started narrating the story of Ram's journey to Lanka.

Urmila looked around. She could see all were listening attentively to Hanuman narration except her husband. Urmila had started feeling uneasy because her husband didn't look up once when she served him food. It was not at all like him. She remembered his gentle touches on her hands during the early days of their marriage.

For two weeks after the marriage as per Guru Vashisht instructions the couple had to stay apart. At that time Urmila and Kirti had stayed in their mother in law Sumitra's room. They were allowed to meet only in day time and also under the supervision of elders. During that time Laxman had loved to caress her hands stealthily when she served food. Urmila blushed thinking about it and her heart sank as she realized her present reality. She wiped the tears that were about to fall. She didn't want to spoil the occasion. Maybe when her husband comes to their room for night things will be fine. She assured herself.

The dinner proceeded as Hanuman continued the story. When it reached Sita's Agnipareeksha Urmila saw her didi holding her fist tight as if she was again going through that painful moment. Urmila reached out to Sita and gently held her shoulder. When Hanuman finished about Agnipareeksha the whole hall started hailing Sita. But Urmila could see her sister was trying hard to control her tears. Urmila didn't understand what the need for Sita didi to do Agnipareeksha was. Her loyalty to Ram jethji was unwavering. She had gone with him to vanvas still the society wanted proof of her purity. Once again the question she asked to her father from childhood came to her mind. Why proof was always asked from woman. Why she was always expected to sacrifice.

Her father Raja Janak had told her that a society asking a woman the proof of her purity was a degraded society and a society that didn't respect her and expected her to do a man's bidding never survived long. Raja Janak had practiced what he preached. Mithila was a kingdom where woman were respected and allowed their choices. Her father had married only once and was happy just with two of his daughters. He had never craved for sons and was always thankful to the supreme universe the blessing it has showered on him.

But Ayodhya was different. She knew King Dasrath married thrice to get a son. He had sacrificed his daughter Shanta for the sake of a son. Also Ayodhya was rigid in its dealings with woman and gave importance to vachans more than necessary. From the time the sisters had come from Mithila they had understood their life will take a different turn in this kingdom. Her Ram jeeju was different from King Dasrath but hearing about Agnipareeksha she understood even he is bound by the law of Ayodhya that puts invisible chains on woman. For a moment she forgot about her issue as she looked at Ram jeeju who was sitting with his head bowed. Urmila knew jeeju was not happy in subjecting her didi to Agnipareeksha. But then Ayodhya compelled him.

Her mother in law voice broke her reverie. Sumitra asked the ladies now the dinner of men was over and they should be proceeding to have dinner. Urmila nodded and followed the others. She turned and checked whether her husband was looking at her. No, Lakshman was turned away from her. Throughout the dinner topic was Sita's Agnipareeksha and her stay in Lanka. As Sita narrated how Ravan had kidnapped her and then about her eleven month stay in Lanka Urmila felt sadder. Her didi was trapped, she stayed in an alien place for eleven long months without any support chanting the name of Ram. Still in the end for all the love, loyalty and faith she had shown she had to give Agnipareeksha to prove herself. What kind of a society it was that took advantage of the innocence of a woman and yet blamed her for what happened to her.

The dinner of ladies finished on a sober note and the sisters moved to their respective rooms. Once she entered her room .Urmila corrected her shringaar once again. A smile spread on her lips as she heard footsteps. She turned eagerly only to see a footman standing at the door.

" Princess Urmila, prince Lakshman would be staying in his private room today and tomorrow he is going for a city visit with Prince Bharat and Prince Shatrugna and will be back only on Sunday. I have been asked to convey this message to you.

Urmila nodded numbly as the footman took leave. Her husband was not coming to their room that day. In addition he was going for his favourite city tour for the next four days.

She sat heavily on the bed. She had waited all these fourteen years for this one day. But it seemed her husband was not in a hurry to meet her. It seemed the fourteen years had changed him to such an extent he no longer wished to have her in his life. Maybe that was why he was not looking at her. Maybe he didn't know how to tell her that bitter truth. Urmila didn't know what to feel and she fell on the bed and began to cry uncontrollably.

Lakshman sat in his private room. He knew Urmila had dressed up for him. He knew she prepared his favourite dishes. But the question that nagged his mind was, was he worthy of her love. He felt he wasn't.