dear self | soukoku

35 | cowardice

- 3rd POV -

Dazai immediately got up from the hospital bed to visit Chuuya. The nurses tried to stop him due to his injuries, but he was unbelievably persistent and stubborn. That said, attempting to move even slightly pained Dazai extremely. However, he didn't care about the pain if it meant he was able to find Chuuya.

The brunette made his way to the fifth floor of the hospital and searched the entire floor for the door that was labeled 'Chuuya Nakahara'. After several minutes, Dazai was able to find the room that Chuuya was currently in.

Dazai nervously looked at door handle. He was trying to think of what to say to Chuuya after everything that happened to the both of them. What if he's not even awake? Dazai thought to himself.

Normally Dazai would just nonchalantly waltz into the room. Yet for some reason, Dazai was having trouble gathering the courage to step foot in the room.

While Dazai was thinking, he suddenly saw a figure from the corner of his eye. Dazai looked to his right and saw a familiar face. It was Akutagawa! He was carrying a bouquet of flowers with an annoyed look on his face. Perhaps he was told to bring flowers?

Without a thought, Dazai opened the door and entered Chuuya's room. His immediate thought was to hide from his former subordinate in order to avoid questions about why he was visiting the man who he so boldly used to claim he hated.

Luckily Akutagawa didn't enter the room. He had left the flowers in front of the door.

After he heard Akutagawa walk away, Dazai remembered that he was in Chuuya's room and quickly turned around to face Chuuya. When he looked, he noticed Chuuya was unconscious in the bed. Dazai slowly stepped closer to the bed despite his anxiousness.

He was right beside the bed now, carefully looking at Chuuya's face. He looks peaceful...

Dazai recalled when Chuuya was forced to use Corruption. He looked as if he was in great pain. As if...he was trying to call for help.

The thought made Dazai feel anguish due to him not being able to immediately help him.

"I'm so sorry." Dazai said aloud. "It's my fault I wasn't able to help you fast enough. I...never wanted to see you in pain." Dazai carefully touched Chuuya's hand. "I'm sorry." He looked at Chuuya one last time before getting up and leaving the hospital room. He couldn't bear to see Chuuya in such a state any longer.

One week later

- Dazai's POV -

Dear Self,

It's been awhile since I wrote here. I've been caught up with everything and kept putting off writing my thoughts.

It's been a week since I last saw Chuuya in the hospital. He still hasn't woken up. I've been unconsciously avoiding visiting him. Maybe it was cowardice? It's my fault for not being able to immediately nullify his ability after all.

I've been coming to terms with the idea of Chuuya not ever wanting to see me again. He'll probably be angry with me... I don't know. I just don't know what he'll do once he wakes up. Well if he wakes up.

If he doesn't wake up, how can I live with myself? And if he does, how would I ever be able to face him?

I feel pretty pathetic.

Very pathetic.

Sincerely,
Dazai...