Little Bit of Love

Chapter 1

-Myla

All these years I had subconsciously held back a collection of memories and more-so, negative belongings of my childhood. Somehow I've managed to block everything out of my brain, I guess in a way to protect myself from my horrible, traumatizing past.

Something happened to me, and all I can say is that it must've hurt like hell. So Ive been a complete different person up until adolescence. It wasn't until then that it all started to come back, and it wasn't until now that I've begun to lose myself completely; is this even reality?

I'm haunted with the endless obstacles and mental missions of trying to find myself again. And I'm afraid I'll never get there, I'm stuck in between.

The capability of being able to wake up everyday and do things I'm supposed to be, causally, has become more and more of a struggle. going to work, coming home and more comfortably, pursuing my online classes; while at the same time of going out with my friends once and a while.

I had been holding it together quite well for the most part until I moved out from my grandparent's home and had found myself a little apartment the moment I had reached 18. My grandparents have raised me, basically, from day one and have never gone much into about what my actual parents were like. And I'm not sure I ever want to know...

With that being said, I've had horrible anxiety in school, with making friends, and mostly; when it comes to guys... I've had a few crushes here and there but when I had my very first boyfriend, he immediately broke my heart and had taken advantage of me in so many ways.... but it wasn't long for silly me to find another guy I thought was nice enough to be with, give my heart to, and once again leave me completely shallow inside...

It really brought me to wonder if I could ever trust again? I thought, maybe, if I had found the one, that this unexplainable pain and emptiness that lingers inside would just dissipate into thin air. But I was wrong about that too... whatever was killing me inside was eventually going to swallow me whole if I decided to keep trusting people with my heart, my mind, and possibly even more...

From then on, still to this day, I plan on never letting anyone in again and I definitely plan on keeping it that way. The only people I've allowed in somewhat, (besides the remaining of my family) are a couple girls that I've worked with now for almost two years. They've gotten to know me some, and I'm lucky that they'd still want to be my friend probably seeing how much of a freak I am by now.... they know I don't date and that I'll never be open to the idea of it. And, I guess, they've learnt to be okay with that.

Whenever a cute guy comes into the clothing shop where we work, I tend to notice how the girls nudge each other and whisper to one another, "Should I ask him for his number?" Or things like, "He is sooo hot, I call dibs on this sex goddess?!"
Every time this happens, they always leave me out of the conversation, knowing my disinterest in the matter. And they were absolutely right.

Whenever we decided to get together outside of work, there were plenty of times where guys would come up to us and flirt, some of them being cute and maybe even half way decent. The girls either gave away their number to the cute ones or just decided to be picky and look the other way.

when a guy ever tries to hit on me, or even act interested in any sense or form, I always make up an excuse to get my way out of a conversation with them or completely shut them out and tell them to leave me alone. Most of the time it works but when it comes down to the guys that put forth an effort to at least get me to agree on a date or agree to spend an hour or two getting to know them; I still decline.

Some would get upset and some would lash out in anger, and that's when my friends would step in. And others would even walk away fast, quite ashamed or embarrassed by the situation....

But then there's me; ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, and quite upset whenever a guy even comes near me or tries to approach me . I can't even tell you how uncomfortable it makes me when a guy comes into the clothing store and asks simple questions on where to find things, or to help them find right sizes or whatever they're in need of help for....

All that being said, you really could basically
call me a freak with this immense inability to trust anyone; more particularly men.

〰️

Thank you guys for checking out my story! I really hope you enjoy this as I've been putting a lot of work into it! I really hope you keep reading! There's going to be a lot more to come, so please bear with me!

-Much love, D. Xoxo