Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
blurb: Tattiana is initially a normal girl, but when she allies herself with the famous myth, the Phantom Princess Espectra, she finds there are more devilish spirits to battle.
review: now, let me start off simple; your actual story description. In my opinion it's quite long-winded, when it can be shortened quite easily, e.g. like the blurb written above. There is one particular comment I have to make about all of your work – you consistently give unnecessary details which you can portray in other ways. Whilst it's mostly useful information, you seem to just throw in random facts when unneeded, for example, "the brown-haired girl got up, wore her school's aquamarine colored uniform, black jeans and blue sneakers." When in context, it comes off forced, as if you're trying too hard to describe her, in a way. A simple substitution would be, "she got up, impatiently casting her brown waves aside as she put on her old blue uniform." Not too detailed, but still gives the reader enough information. Try and read over your work before publishing, because mistakes like these can be easily corrected by proofreading.
Another comment I have to make is solely based on this sentence: '"*yawn!*... another Friday!", Tattiana stated.' There is quite a bit I picked out from that sentence alone; number one being that it's best not to put actions or movement within speech or dialogue. If you want to write about Tattiana yawning, you should put it after her speech. Another thing is how there needs to be a capital letter after the ellipses. The third and final thing is that you should never, ever, ever put a comma after the speech marks, not unless you quote something or if you put it before. There are quite a few spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes that I spotted repeatedly, but once again those can be corrected over proofreading before you publish.
I did, however, quite like some bits of information you dropped in, like how Tattiana likes sunny days and how you seem to foreshadow events taking place on her birthday. Overall, the beginning of the story had a bright, happy atmosphere to it that you created well.
The points you have asked me to focus on are; characters and their introductions, plot and concept. As for characters, Tattiana seems introverted, optimistic and quite down-to-earth. Her introduction could be improved on by, as I said before, making descriptions of her a little more subtle and adding in things that suggest more character traits instead of outright telling them. A character that I want to focus on, though, is Caroline St Alphonse. The story tells her personality too quickly, not letting the reader judge her by themselves. Giving hints about her personality (saying she wears designer clothes, insults Tattiana on a regular basis, etc) will be more effective and give the reader more of an opinion about her contrasted to simply telling the reader what to think of Caroline. The plot itself is unique and while it sounds far from cliché, it hasn't been executed that way. In the beginning it gives off cliché romantic high school genre vibes, when it should be giving off a mysterious and perhaps sinister atmosphere. The concept of the story is, once again, intriguing. It sounds like a story I would check out, with ghosts and evil spirits and folklore. But in actuality it's not really something I would read.
Overall, this story has a lot to improve on, but has great potential. While the idea was good, the execution could do with some remodelling. My main pieces of advice are; subtle descriptions to make memorable characters, remaking of atmosphere, but most importantly of all; proofread! There's no harm in doing it, and majority of the mistakes can be fixed if you just check and recheck your work before posting.
