𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹𝘆 ; joe cole

31. MODEL'S DEN

"Relax, Kimmy," Lara nudged her reassuringly as she pressed the buzzer to Joe's flat. It was the same flat that Joe and I had lived in, but he'd never moved out. Just like I still wore his old scruffy, moss-green Patagonia fleece around my house, and never washed it because it smelled like him. We were both clinging on by threads.

I was about to speak when Joe's crackly voice came through the buzzer.

"Hellooo," he chuckled, sounding tipsy and happy.

"It's me and Kim, buzz us in you wanker!" Lara called, shivering in the cold.

"Your wish is my command m'lady!" Joe said, and buzzed the door open.

I hadn't been back to that building in a while, since that day I went to pick up my stuff.

15 MONTHS AGO

I knocked twice, and stood there waiting for the door to open. The front door was painted the emerald green that I had picked out a year or so ago, my favourite colour. The door swung open, and I was suddenly faced with Joe. I hadn't seen him for three and a half months, or something crazy like that, and he looked just like my Joe, but sadder. Among hundreds of other unbearable emotions, I felt guilty that it was me making him feel like this. I stared at him silently for a moment, thinking I might've fucked everything up and that this was all a mistake. I loved him, why was I leaving him?

"Hi," I said croakily.

"Hi," he responded, sounding rough. He stepped aside, and I walked into our flat, surveying my old home as I tortured myself by toying with the idea that I could make this nightmare end.

"Sorry I haven't texted," I said timidly, picking up a box of stuff on the kitchen counter. I was sure there would be more, but I decided I'd let him have it if there was. Then, maybe he might call me in a month, saying I'd left more stuff at the flat, and I'd come back and kiss him and tell him I loved him. "How are you?"

Joe scoffed despite himself. "Awful," he said, and then, noticing my pained expression backtracked. "Sorry, I'm not trying to make you..."

I nodded, knowing exactly what he couldn't say. "I guess this is it, then," I said, praying he'd scream no and kiss me, or maybe some primal instinct would take over my body and I'd lunge myself at him, planting a hundred sorry kisses on that face that I loved so much. Maybe we could just forget this had ever even happened and just love each other again.

"This is it." Joe said.

I carried the box out of the door and stood there for a moment. Too scared to say anything, do anything risky.

"Joe, I still..." I choked, tears closing in on my throat and welling up in my eyes. I couldn't say it, it was too painful.

"I know," he said breathlessly, his face full of pain and his eyes glossed over and teary. "I do too. Always will."

I nodded and set the box down, pulling him into a long, tight hug. I love you I love you I love you I love you.

"Always will," I whispered, letting myself be surrounded by his smell and his arms because I knew that was the last time, at least for a long time that I smelt his smell and hugged him.

It took every piece of my emotional strength to pull away. Our faces stayed close for a moment, noses a touching, eyes locked in a final goodbye.

I love you I love you I love you I love you.

PRESENT DAY

The door was still painted the same emerald green, but the paint was worn and cracking now. It opened, and instead of Joe's face in the doorway like last time, it was the face of a young woman. Miranda was so much more gorgeous than my twisted mind had allowed me to imagine, with bright cobalt-blue eyes and perfect beach-waved blonde hair that was tied up with a blue headwrap. She was so perfect, and smiling a super-sized pearly smile that almost blinded me.

I hated her already, and then hated myself for hating her. It wasn't her fault. Unfortunately that just made it much more infuriating.

"Oh my god! You must be Lara and Karmy!" She sang in her thick dutch accent, pulling both of us into an obnoxious hug.

"It's Kimmy, actually, but please just call me Kim." No way was I doing pet fucking names with this soul destroyer.

"Oh sorry Keemy," Miranda giggled. "Come on in!"

Come on in? I used to own half this fucking house. Come on in yourself.

I instantly chided myself for being so judgemental so quickly. It wasn't her fault, and I had to keep telling myself that.

Joe came up behind Miranda and passed me a drink with a smile. I went in for a hug, but he turned it into a sort of strange pat you might timidly give a zoo animal or something.

I felt like squirming. This so wasn't us. Our promise to each other was that things would never be awkward, no matter how painful the situation. Now he wasn't even allowed to hug me?

"What is this?" I asked, holding up the cup. Better to change the subject than dwell on the awkwardness.

"Gin and tonic," Miranda cut in with a sweet smile.

I nodded awkwardly. Joe knew that I was a strictly lager girl unless I wanted to get pissed on a night out, but oh well. I mustn't take everything to heart so much.

"Come on Jojo," Miranda said. "We should mingle with our guests." She strung a thin arm through his and pulled him away without a second word to us.

I turned to Lara, who looked positively disgusted.

"That's not the Joe I know," she said, shaking her head.

We should be happy for him.

"I know," I said, sipping my drink. "He's becoming one of those couples we used to laugh at." I gestured to a cheesy polaroid of him and Miranda kissing on the mantlepiece.

"Eugh," Lara faux-retched. "Say the word and I'll call a cab and we can bitch about her on the ride home."

I smiled thankfully but shook my head. "Nah, we should mingle," I imitated obnoxiously, linking Lara's arm as we giggled. What would I have done without Lara, eh?