Disarray

27

Namjoon's POV

I began typing a sentence of the first paragraph for the research paper before slowly erasing it. I started again with a completely different approach before sighing and erasing it again. I quickly just typed whatever came to mind and read it over, sighing once more.

"You good man?" Hoseok asked. 

"No," I said with a dry chuckle. "I think I'm dead on the inside."

"Hmm, I can relate," Hoseok said. 

I turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow. "You can?" 

He pursed his lips. "Does that surprise you?"

I nodded. "Didn't really think that you're..."

"Going through shit?" Hoseok shrugged. "I'm fine. Just... sometimes I don't feel so good." I moved away from the laptop since I couldn't focus either way.

"Tell me what's on your mind," I said. Hoseok didn't open up much. He wasn't the type to complain about things.

"Well I'm questioning whether I'm a shitty person," he said after a while. 

"Why?" 

Hoseok was the opposite of that. He was always patient with me, even if I was a jerk to him. He was there for me when I needed a friend and a brother. We'd been friends for so long that he was family. He was one of the best people I knew. 

"When someone trusts you, and they tell you all of their problems, you should be there for them right?" Hoseok asked. I stilled by his words. Lately it felt like everything that anyone said was about me. Like the universe was trying to give me a message that I was a being an asshole. 

"As a good friend, you should want to help them and you should feel their pain and cheer them up right?" Hoseok put his chin in his hand and sighed. "I feel so bad Namjoon because Jungkook's told me so many things that he's gone through and..." 

He shook his head before starting again. "Jungkook's been through a lot. And I've been there for him. But lately... when he tells me things, I just feel so tired of it." I rose an eyebrow and he quickly explained after seeing my expression. 

"It's not that I don't care or that I don't like that he feels close enough to tell me. I like that. I love that he finds some comfort in me... but I don't know why I just don't want to hear it. Like I wish that there was nothing to tell. Almost like... like if his own personal pain is an inconvenience to me? Does that make sense?"

I didn't say anything right away, and he continued.

"Like I don't know how to help him. I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I wish that I didn't have to wrack my brains to try to cheer him up. I feel like I'm useless at helping him and I don't like that he relies on me because I doubt that I'm doing him any good."

We were both quiet for a moment. 

"Do you think that makes me selfish?"

I shook my head. "I think I might understand that actually."

"Tell me how," Hoseok said. "Please say anything that'll make me feel like I'm not the only asshole."

"Well, there's this person who I was always there for. And I wish that he didn't find comfort in me because it's taking a lot from me to try to keep doing that," I said.

Hoseok nodded at my words. "It's like you want to help, but it's emotionally draining," he said. 

"Yes," I agreed. "It's taking a toll on me to not be there for him, but I know it might just get worse if I go back to this person."