Twice in a Lifetime \\ KELLIC

23

I woke up to the sound of Flash scratching at the sliding door. At first I just wanted to ignore him. It had been a long time since I felt this safe and warm, and it was all because of the person next to me with his arm loosely draped across my stomach.

The memory of last night flooded my thoughts. For once I couldn't hide behind emotional trauma as the reason for kissing him. This was something I actively pursued and at the time it was great. It was wonderful. I could have kissed him all night just to fuel my own selfish desire.

The morning after was always a different story though. That was when the guilt set in. As I was falling asleep last night, I hoped desperately that I wouldn't feel this way. I didn't think I would, but I guess I couldn't beat my own predictability. The longer I lay here, the more anxious I felt.

Slowly and carefully, so I didn't wake him, I moved out from under his arm and got off the bed. I looked at him for a moment, making sure he didn't stir. He didn't. I sighed in relief.

I put my shoes on, got my car keys and opened the sliding door, without making it screech this time. I picked up flash and got off the boat, setting him down on the dock. I knew I was an awful person for just leaving, but it was like my instinct now. I just wanted to run.

"Come on, boy," I whispered and walked down to the end of the docks.

I got to my car and unlocked it, opened the door, then stood there, hesitating. I looked back at the boat. I felt like shit for doing this. Really, I did. I kept leading him on, then running away. One minute I was sure of what I wanted and the next minute doubt crept in. Ultimately, I was trying to be better. I was trying not to fall into old habits.

I sighed and stepped away from my car, shutting the door. I looked at Flash. He wagged his tail, looking at me expectantly.

"What do you think I should do?" I asked him.

He didn't answer.

"How about that walk then, huh?" I questioned.

He whined and a growl rumbled in his throat. I walked away from the car, gesturing for him to come with me. I took him over to the edge of the woodlands and he went exploring to do his business after being stuck on the boat all night.

I leant against one of the trees and closed my eyes. I was feeling tired, but refreshed at the same time. I didn't check the time before I left but it was early. A huge part of me wanted to go back, but lately when I was with Vic, it was like everything else went away and I couldn't think about anything other than him. As per normal, I was conflicted and trying to sort out my thoughts fast.

I heard Flash come back after a few minutes. I looked over at him. Again, I felt envious of him not having these sorts of worries. Maybe it was just me and my indecisiveness though. I couldn't seem to make up my mind and just stick with it. I kind of needed someone to talk about this to. Cass was too judgmental and I was never that close with Ryan. There was one other person.

I headed away from the woodlands and towards the cemetery with Flash keeping up beside me. As I got closer to my destination I was feeling nervous, and then I realized that I actually really wanted to vocally admit to Ashton about what I was doing. Most people would have thought I was insane talking to a grave, but I still felt his presence around me.

I got to the cemetery and made a beeline to Ashton's grave. When I was there, I sat on the ground close to it with Flash. I stared at his name and sighed deeply.

"So...it's been a few months," I said awkwardly, "But, I guess I've been kind of busy finishing off the house, which yes, it's done, finally."

Flash, being needy and wanting attention, crawled onto my lap and lay there limp. I pet him and wondered if Ashton would like him. Sure, he was never a dog person, but neither was I and I grew to love him. I looked back up at the grave.