Through The Dark || Harry Styles

26. HARRY

HARRY

It's late on Sunday evening when she knocks at my door. 

I only just left Lucy's place this morning after we spent the extended weekend together, blissfully tangled between sheets. I feel like a teenager again, lust running through my veins and the addictive promise of more on the horizon. Every kiss is a step further from what we used to be; every touch a milestone.

But, tonight's not going to be like that, I know it's not.

It all became blindingly obvious why Lucy had forgotten about her birthday, or chosen to, when I found her in the kitchen this morning, her sobs waking me up and Lola running up to her in a panic.

The date is burned in my memory, I knew it was coming, but I guess with the distraction of kissing her, it had slipped my mind. As soon as I saw her, the realisation of the date hit hard.

One year since they got married.

I held her as best I could as she broke down, but she wanted space. She said she was going to the cemetery and I was relieved when she said she wanted to go alone.

I feel like a cheat, and a snake and a fucking awful friend.

Just a year ago I stood beside them and witnessed their unity, gave my blessing against better judgment, holding my tongue as I wished them well and hoped in the same breath that I would be able to keep my interactions with them as a couple to a minimum.

And now, I forgot their anniversary because I was too busy daydreaming about fucking his wife.

I'm as bad as Jake is.

The hardest part is, there is no one to talk to about it. What we are doing wouldn't be accepted by most and us being "happy" isn't the main concern of those who are still mourning him.

It shouldn't be my main concern.

Trying to escape my own self-loathing, I went to my parents all day. Mum remembered what day it was and didn't seem at all surprised to see me, looking behind me past the front door as if to check if I had brought someone along with me.

She questioned why I am able to comfort Lucy every day other than the one where she probably feels the worst. I shrugged, pretending to watch the football game with my dad before she came up beside me and kissed the side of my head without another word.

Lucy had messaged me half an hour ago asking if she could come over, and my guilt was momentarily squandered by the joy.

I know it's wrong, but the second I open the door and see her face, I forget what I was feeling shit about.

"Hey," I smile softly.

"Hey," she sniffles, her eyes are red and puffy from crying all day.

Lola runs past me and I realise then, that Lucy's arms are full.

I grab her duffle bag and Lola's bed, not daring to question the fact that she has decided she is staying the night.

We don't kiss, it doesn't feel right.

I put her bags in my spare bedroom as a courtesy, hopeful that she'll move them into my room on her own.

"I thought Amy would at least message me today," she says, as I walk back into the kitchen and a fresh wave of guilt hits me.

I want to tell her why her best friend has been avoiding her, but I want Amy to tell her more. This is her mistake, not mine and I don't want to be the person to cause the level of heartbreak that I know I will see plastered across her face.