Jeno's POV
Flashback
I am confident.
She's going to answer me a sweet yes.
Excitement is probably behind the energy of my feet, climbing the school's staircase with two steps interval. I could care less with the people's gazes tailing my back because what matters is somewhere there. Somewhere up there, at the third floor, in the library, on our favorite spot. It is exactly where we met. And well, fell in love.
"Mr. Lee, slow down!" my eardrums took a grasp of Mr. Kim's voice but again, this Lee Jeno could care less.
At last, my feet brought me to the said place where everything happened.
I silently went inside the library and instantly have been greeted by the librarian. A quick bow is all I offered at the moment, being in a hurry. My sneakers squeaked against the polished marble as I try my best to tiptoe as fast as I can all the way to my destination.
I did everything silent, even keeping my thumping heart quiet down inside my chest, until I finally saw the familiar figure of an angel within her.
Weight felt like falling off my shoulders as I relax upon the wonderful sight.
In case I get rejected, at least, she came. But no, think positive, Nono! You can do it! Today's your lucky day! You're going to get a sweet-
"Sorry..."
What?
We are already sitting down on our favorite seats ever since fate afforded us the chance to meet. I can still remember the day when I sat here, in this very cozy sofa, the book Little Prince in my hand, comprehending its meaning, having her sit next to me for the first time, coincidentally reading the same work of art.... us smiling at each other, shaking hands.... and now.
"I'm s-sorry, Jeno-ssi. I honestly... like you too. But after the rumor had spread about you being gay, I... I don't know. My heart got scared. I know, I'm such a coward and---" she started blabbing word by word which my brain cannot process just yet. All I understand is her apology.
"Wait. Wait. Calm down, first," I told her and she thankfully did. She took a deep breath before fixing his stern look right through my hopeful eyes, as if my orbs are being pierced.
"Jeno. I cannot return your feelings."
And that, guys, I tell you, is the clearest shit I ever heard throughout my entire existence.
"But... we're so close! We're this close! Your parents know me and mine knows you as well---"
"Shhh!" the librarian glared at our direction, making the girl with me grin back sheepishly, embarrassed.
Wait.
Embarrassed...
"Lami..." I called her by her name, much quieter this time.
Anyone can notice her flinching. I'm not sure if she's trembling out of guilt, or fear, or sadness, or pain, or just merely guilt.
"Are you embarrassed to go out with me... because of the rumors currently going around..?" I asked her, no longer coating my question with sugar and flowers.
"W-What? No! Jeno, that's not what I mean!" she whisper-yelled. "You know me. I can't possibly do that to you or let alone feel that way. That's..... How dare you to even think of me that way?"
Oh, the tables have turned.
The gun is being pointed at my head now. Her, holding the trigger. I didn't expect that it will be like this.
Fuck my confidence earlier.
Fuck my trust.
Fuck love.
"Go..."
Even myself cannot control my emotions but that's all I could ever ask from her for the last time -for her to get out of my life.
"Jeno-ssi, please---"
"I understand. So go, now. Leave," I muttered under my breath.
The last speck of hope lingering inside me wished that she'd insist to stay. But she didn't, leaving my hopes crumbling into pieces.
I just sat there as I watch her back disappear from my vision. I just sat there as I watch the broken pieces of my love lying down on the floor.
This... can't be.
"Hey, have you heard? Lee Jeno got gay magazines piled up in his locker."
"Really? Is he gay?"
"Lee Jeno is gay, guys. Watch out from him!"
"Oh my God! I shared rooms with him during the previous field trip!"
"What are you looking at, you fag?"
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut the fuck up!
I wish I can kick the coffee table sitting right in front me, but I'm better than venting out my fury on innocent things. I just let my blazing eyes get amused by the sailing clouds outside the window.
God, I wish I can break this window too and scream at the top of my lungs how wicked the world is.
But no, Lee Jeno, you're better than that.
Allow yourself to calm down.
It's going to be okay.
You're not alone.
You're broken but still okay.
You'll get healed.
You won't need anyone and anything starting from now.
You don't need love.
At last, I finally calmed down. I see students roaming about on the open field like ants. I see the birds flying.
I wish I can fly too-----
My train of thoughts hit a dead end when I felt a heavy hand almost hitting my chest. I took a glance from the person but he already vanished into the towering bookshelves. I patted my chest to check if I'm alright (and honestly to check if there aren't chewing gums sticking on my shirt 'cause I got it yesterday from a jerk) but instead, I got myself a sticker.
"DNYL?" I read the seemingly initials of some sort of... something.
What is this?
