fighting love » l.s.

thirty four - explanation

"So, Louis, why don't you start by telling us about your girlfriend, Eleanor? The truth this time."

Louis's heart shuddered to a stop in his chest, thoughts racing through his mind at a million miles a minute. He could feel Harry's eyes on him, embarrassed and nervous warmth filling his cheeks with the younger boy's gaze resting supportively on his face. He hated thinking about the Eleanor ordeal in the first place, but the recently-added complication of a fake relationship dinner with his mum made the whole thing ten times worse to explain.

He sucked in a deep breath, forcing himself to make eye contact with Liam, who sat on the couch opposite from him, not quite glaring but still staring Louis down. Hard.

Harry truly believed that their friends would forgive Louis without too much pushback, but Louis wasn't too sure. Especially with Niall pouting, arms folded coldly across his chest, and Liam looking like he might stand up and swing at Louis at any second with minimal provocation.

"Okay," Louis began, still sorting things through carefully in his mind as he tried to figure out where to start. The beginning, he decided. With a glance at Harry, who nodded encouragingly, Louis began to speak.

And he told them everything, the words flowing smoothly from his lips as soon as he opened his mouth: how he only dated Eleanor to cover up his feelings for Harry, and he hated every single second. He told them how terrible he felt about the whole thing, because he knew he hurt Harry and pushed them, his two lifelong best friends, away with no reasonable explanation. And, finally, he told them about the ongoing conflict and confusion that he'd held inside for the past few months as he tried and failed to figure out his sexuality.

After talking for what felt like hours, Louis finally stopped to take a breath, looking to his friends on the opposite couch for their reactions.

Liam and Niall both sat completely still across the room, obviously struggling to process all of the information that Louis had just dumped at their feet.

As usual, Niall broke the heavy silence that hung between the four boys with a familiar statement. "So . . . you're gay? Or you're bisexual? Or you don't know which one?"

Louis looked at Harry, who shifted uncomfortably beside him and kept his green eyes trained on the floor between them.

"I don't know. Honestly," Louis admitted, shrugging helplessly as he momentarily returned his focus to Liam and Niall to properly answer their question.

Then, he glanced back at the curly haired boy beside him, and reached across the distance between them to take the younger boy's hand in his. Harry's head snapped up, his brow furrowed with obvious surprise and confusion at Louis's gesture, despite the fact that Louis had just admitted his feelings to their friends.

Niall and Liam stifled excited grins on the other side of the room, but as usual, Louis was too caught up in Harry to notice.

"I'm really not sure if I'm 'gay' or 'bisexual' or whatever, but I'm definitely sure about my feelings for Harry. More sure than I've ever been about anything. So whatever that makes me, sexuality-wise, I guess I'm that."

Harry's cheeks flushed red at Louis's honest and raw confession, and Louis returned the other boy's wide smile as he squeezed his hand lightly. To any outside observer, it was obvious that the two boys had fallen head over heels for each other. Liam, for one, had known before anyone else that Louis was going to fall deeply in love with Harry, as evidenced by their serious talk about Harry in the bathroom so many months before.

After a beat of silence, on the other couch, Liam and Niall burst out laughing. Louis snapped his head toward them, confused by their unexpected reaction.

"Louis, mate, that was the corniest thing I've ever heard," Niall managed to say between his fits of wheezing laughter.

"Yeah, Lou," Liam agreed, laughing along with Niall. "Definitely rule out a career in poetry."

Harry and Louis exchanged surprised glances -- to them, Louis's statement had been the most romantic words he could have possibly said -- but when Harry shrugged in agreement with their other friends, the two boys started laughing too. In no time, the four boys were all hysterical, adding more and more on top of the initial joke and laughing harder with every passing second. For the first time in a long time, happiness bubbled up in Louis's stomach, which ached from laughing so hard for so long. He really could feel things returning to normal.

When the boys finally managed to control themselves again, Liam spoke up again. "So, you two are really together? Like, boyfriends?"

"Yeah," Harry said, pride flooding through him as he said the words aloud. "Louis is my boyfriend."

"And Harry's my boyfriend," Louis concurred. Ruining the moment just a bit, he added, "But I'm not ready to come out to the entire school, so if we could keep this between the four of us just for now, I'd really appreciate it."

"Of course," Niall replied immediately.

Liam nodded, silently affirming his agreement. He glanced at Harry, furrowing his brow slightly in concern for the green eyed boy. "As long as Harry's okay with it."

Harry's heart swelled at Liam's protective nature, and despite his reservations about Louis wanting to keep their relationship a secret, he nodded. "I'm willing to wait as long as Louis needs. I just want him to feel comfortable," Harry reassured Liam, simultaneously trying to reassure himself.

Liam held eye contact with Harry for another moment, as if silently communicating his skepticism at Harry's statement, but finally nodded in affirmation. "If Harry's willing to keep it a secret, of course I'll respect your privacy, Lou."

Louis released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, relieving the pressure that had been building in his chest at the thought of Liam telling people at school. "Thanks, Li."

"You haven't spoken to Eleanor since the breakup though, right?" Liam asked, still a bit worried.

"Of course not," Louis reassured his friend, and to be fair, he wasn't completely lying. He technically hadn't spoken to Eleanor since breaking up with her at the party, but he was planning to ask her for a huge favor in the near future.

The blue eyed boy glanced at Harry, wishing more than anything that he was strong enough to just tell the curly haired boy everything. He wasn't strong. Right now, he just felt like a dirty liar, and he hoped that someday, he could be better. He hoped that someday he would be good enough to be with Harry.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to Eleanor when you broke up with her?" Niall asked, leaning forward with obvious interest and yanking Louis out of the mess of thoughts in his own head. "I hope you told her off. She's kind of a bitch, if you don't mind me saying so."

Harry and Louis immediately made eye contact and, at the same time, started laughing. Liam punched Niall's arm lightly, rolling his eyes at the blonde boy but unable to control the wide smile spreading across his face.

"What? She is, isn't she?" Niall exclaimed defensively, laughing along with his friends.

"I mean, I'm not her biggest fan," Harry shrugged, grinning stupidly at his own joke.

Louis shoved Harry's shoulder playfully, before pulling the younger boy back toward him and tucking him under his arm. Harry leaned into Louis's side, unable to keep the smile from his lips, especially knowing that Louis thought he was funny and never had to talk to Eleanor again. Harry had never been happier in his entire life than he was right now. He had Louis at his side and his best friends in the world sitting across from him, and he couldn't ask for anything else in the entire world.

Even as Louis laughed along with his friends, though, he felt a bit sick to his stomach. Louis had come clean to his friends about everything except the one really big secret he had to hide -- he was having dinner in just a few days with his mum and his "girlfriend," and even though he planned to hide the whole thing from his friends and Harry, Louis had a subconscious feeling that he was going to hurt Harry once again. 

Just like he always did.