if i told you | muke

05 ► All I need

I was devastated. I felt like the worst fuck up, even worse than I already did in general.

I quickly told Calum I didn't feel well and that I would be going home. He looked worried, but I pretended I hadn't seen that. I let myself disappear in the crowd in search for the front door before he could even reply.

Of course I would screw it up again. It had been my second godforsaken chance and could still not do it right. Michael still even hated me from this morning, above all. I couldn't look at anyone and numbly pushed through the people, tears threatening behind my eyes.

Don't cry, I begged to myself. Not in a crowd. My throat felt thick and I swallowed to make it go away, but my breathing kept being heavy. I might have heard Calum call my name above the music but I kept on walking. I needed to go away. Away from here. I took a deep breath as soon as I had gotten out of the house, letting the cold midnight air fill my lungs. I didn't even exactly know where I was, on the way here I had been too busy feeling nervous and Calum knew the directions. I started to walk into a random direction, hoping I would end up somewhere near home.

I felt warm liquid spilling over my cheeks and dripping on my shirt soon after, and even though I kept wiping my tears away, they wouldn't stop coming. Michael hated me, and it was even worse than it was this morning. Way worse. After the second time he definitely remembered me, in a bad way.

"Luke, wait!" I heard someone yell. I didn't even bother to turn around, I just stopped walking as I heard quick footsteps running towards me.

"Luke," Calum said again, out of breath from running, before softly gasping as soon as he saw my tear-stained face. "Shit, are you okay?" He wrapped his arms around me and I covered my face in my hands, silently sobbing into his shoulder as I shook my head. I was far from okay.

He had whispered "It will be okay, calm down, you'll be fine," around a thousand times and rubbed my back endlessly, until I finally slightly calmed down again.

"Let's get you home," he softly said after a while. I nodded, breath still a bit shaky and my hands still trembled. We walked a while under the stars without a word being said. Even though our upper arms touched, I still felt like the loneliest person in the world.

"He fucking hates me," I said sadly, not able to think of anything else than the hate I had heard in Michael's voice while he had spoken to me.

"It's just a party, everyone was piss drunk," Calum said, trying to give me hope. Sorry mate, but that's long gone.

"He still remembered me from this morning, Cal," I sighed. "He knows who I am and he hates me. There's nothing I can do anymore. Fuck, it's all been in one day."

He threw his arm over my shoulders, not knowing anything to say to make this right and just held me. It was quite comforting, and all I needed that moment. the rest of the walk was silent, until we reached my house.

"Thank you," I softly said as he let his arm slide off my shoulders. "And I'm sorry to ruin the rest of your night."

He shook his head and hugged me. "Don't say sorry, Luke. That's what best friends are for."

-

In my bed that night I couldn't stop turning, I was over thinking everything that had happened and it drove me crazy. And even though no matter how many times I had told myself that should have watched my words, should have looked out or should have been not such a fuck up, I felt kind of a rush. A positive one.

For the past three weeks it had been my dream to get noticed by Michael. And in this one day, it happened twice. His eyes had been on me, he had spoken to me and he had even remembered me. And it felt like something. I felt like something.