dazed and confused - norenmin

twenty seven

jaemin

their performance received mixed reviews. jisung and minho whooped and raised their bottles in a toast, chan covered jeongin's eyes, seungmin blushed and looked away, changbin sat awkwardly, and felix and renjun stared, dumbfounded.

when hyunjin announced that they were boyfriends jaemin felt his heart lurch in his chest. this was all happening too soon, his mind was still clouded with thoughts of renjun, of jeno. from hyunjin's apology he could tell that something was going on, that the other boy had a reason, so he decided the best thing to do was to go along with it for now, and ask him about it later.

jaemin tried his best to quickly replace his initial surprise with with a happy and composed expression. he avoided renjun's gaze, he couldn't bear the thought of what he might discover in the other boy's eyes.

you're not doing anything wrong, jaemin
you don't owe renjun anything
remember, he likes jeno.

resolute, he sat down beside hyunjin, the older boy's arm wrapped comfortably around his waist. chan came over to the couple, and offered jaemin a friendly smile and a beer.
he accepted both gratefully, and as hyunjin introduced the other boys sprawled around the bonfire, he allowed himself to relax.

the warm fuzziness spread through him as he finished one bottle, then two, then...he lost count.

jaemin forgot about renjun, about jeno. all he could think about was the boy next to him, whose body seemed to jaemin to radiate more heat than the bonfire, whose gentle hands ran up and down his arm, and who took away his drink when he began to lose grip on the bottle. jaemin turned towards him, indignant at the loss of his source of comfort.

"oiiii, gimmmee back my beer"

he gulped.
hyunjin's face was much closer than he had realised. maybe the alcohol had clouded his sense of distance. or maybe he had unconsciously moved closer to the boy in his inebriated state. either way, he wasn't complaining. he stared unabashedly hyunjin's plump, perfect lips, catching his breath as they formed a smirk and came yet closer, brushing teasingly over jaemin's own.

"why don't I give you something else instead?"

jaemin decided thinking was overrated. he stopped questioning, deliberating, and instead sought the irresistable taste of passion, of smooth skin, whispered words and fire. wrapping his arms around hyunjin's neck, he allowed the boy to pull him close so that their mouths collided hotly. he had not known hyunjin long, but jaemin was already intoxicated.

alcohol fizzed through his veins, strengthening his lust and heightening his senses. he dug his cold fingers into hyunjin's burning skin, savouring the sensation and inciting a gasp from the other boy, who instinctively gripped jaemin's waist to pull him yet closer. eyes closed, the younger boy tilted his head back, riding the wave of pleasure. they quickly flickered open, however, as the other boy began to trail blazing kisses along his exposed neck and along his jaw.

it was then, through the haze of hyunjin's touch, that jaemin made eye contact with renjun. the others, it seemed, had rapidly disappated, either disgusted or encouraged by jaemin and hyunjin's behaviour. renjun, however, remained sitting across from the two, gazing at jaemin with a palette of misery, restraint and longing painted across his face. when he saw that the boy had noticed him, he abruptly stood up and left the ring of the campfire's glow.

perhaps, had jaemin not been so far gone, alcohol lingering on his lips as it coursed through his body, drowning in hyunjin's eyes and hands and taste, he might have followed him. but instead, as renjun walked all over his heart and away towards the ocean, he merely closed his eyes and kissed hyunjin more fiercely, trying desperately to suppress the insistent feeling of guilt that had risen within him.

this shame spurred him on to forget, to lose himself. his actions became desperate and he began unbuttoning hyunjin's shirt with shaky fingers, continuing to force his tongue into the other boy's mouth even as the tears welled up, stopping only when hyunjin broke the contact and held his hands still.

"stop, jaemin, you're not thinking"

he smiled bitterly and flicked his hair out of his eyes, the gesture suggesting a desire to clear his head.

"good."

something flashed in hyunjin's eyes, but he still didn't let go of jaemin's hands.

"wanna talk about it?"

the younger boy tensed as the thoughts and feelings he had been trying to outrun finally caught up with him. jaemin hadn't had time to figure anything out, he had no control over his emotions, he was falling, buffeted this way and that, from the arms of one to another and then another, and he didn't know how he felt or what to do.

should he show hyunjin his damaged heart?

"I, umm...think that I'm in lo-

I can't do this

anyway, why did you kiss me like that when i arrived and tell everyone i'm your boyfriend?"

now hyunjin let go of his hands, and drew back into himself, head hanging heavy. after a while, he took a shaky breath and looked up at jaemin through his dark curtains with a rueful expression.

"because i panicked.
because i've been hurt before.
because it was felix who broke my heart.
because felix is happy with changbin.

because i want to be happy too
and i'm happy with you."