dazed and confused - norenmin

thirty

jeno

"renjun, do you...like jaemin?"

jeno blurted the question out and immediately wished he could take it back as a startled renjun turned to look at him, eyes wide.

jeno knew that three of them had been avoiding defining their relationship, their feelings for one another, for what felt like a long, long time. he himself was far from certain of where they stood with one another. he had never been in a situation like this before, had never liked a boy, never had to pursue a relationship (the girls always came to him), definitely never liked more than one person at once. but he couldn't deny his desires to himself any longer. he knew now that he liked jaemin as more than a friend, had done for a long time. and renjun... there was an attraction there, an electricity that had been apparent from the moment they'd met.

when he'd looked up at the boy earlier, renjun's angelic face had been framed by stars in the night sky above him, and jeno could have sworn that he was glowing.

he wanted them both so badly - but did they want him? would they ever want him?

he sat there frozen, heart beating wildly, as renjun collected his thoughts. his gaze focused on the boy's jaw, on his throat, pale and smooth, and felt the breath catch in his own throat as renjun gulped, adam's apple bobbing, and opened his mouth to speak.

"i- i do.
i've liked him since the first moment i saw him, but didn't know for certain until i watched him grow closer to hyunjin. it hurts in ways that i could never put into words. i know i haven't known jaemin that long, but he's so special to me. i wish i could be with him, but i suppose it's too late.

a-and also..."

renjun looked at jeno nervously, about to add something, but jeno couldn't bear it anymore. renjun had made his feelings very clear. he liked jaemin. not jeno. and that was fine.

jeno had thought that he could handle hearing renjun talk about jaemin; deep down he knew that if, by some miracle, renjun and jaemin had both liked him back, he would have wanted them to like each other too. but the fact that their love came at the cost of his own was too much. desperately, he tried to think of something, anything, to keep himself in the picture. suddenly an idea came to mind, a crazy, painful, stupid idea, but an idea nonetheless.

"i'll help you.
i've seen the way jaemin looks at you when you're not paying attention, he likes you.

we could pretend to be dating to make jaemin jealous."

renjun's head shot up. he didn't know what response he had expected, but it certainly wasn't that. he wasn't sure what he felt about the plan - on one hand it might help him get closer to jaemin, which he longed to do. on the other hand, however, it seemed to confirm jeno's lack of interest in renjun. he only wanted to pretend. still, renjun was desperate enough for affection from either of his crushes that against his better judgement he found himself agreeing to jeno's proposition.

"i suppose... that might work.
are you sure it wouldn't make you uncomfortable?"

uncomfortable to pretend to be gay? to pretend to be with me?

jeno's heart tightened in his chest as he understood the subtext of the renjun's question. he knew that renjun didn't have a very high opinion of himself, and hated that he had given the boy that impression.
he wished that they didn't have to pretend, that he and renjun could truly be together.

but instead, plastering a fake smile on his face as he plastered over the cracks in his heart, he took renjun's hand.

"it would never make me uncomfortable to be with you, renjun. you're my...my friend"

his voice faltered but jeno continued on determinedly, forcing a cheerful note into his tone.

"anyone would be lucky to date you. i'm sure that you and jaemin... you and jaemin will be great together."

renjun looked down at their interlocked hands, and back up at jeno.

"thank you, jeno, for doing this for me. i really appreciate it."

"anytime."

unconsciously jeno allowed his thumb to trace soft circles over the back of renjun's hand until he saw renjun take a sharp inhale and realised what he was doing. he stopped abruptly.

he doesn't like you, jeno. he likes jaemin. don't make things awkward.

"so, how exactly do you want to do this? to let jaemin know?"

"i- i think it would be best coming from you. you guys need to talk anyway. and in terms of what we could do... jaemin mentioned that hyunjin works in an ice cream parlour in town? we could maybe go on a double date?"

jeno honestly couldn't imagine anything worse. picturing jaemin and hyunjin sitting across from him, spoon-feeding each other sundaes, while renjun stared longingly at jaemin... but this was what jeno had signed up for when he suggested that they pretend-date, it was too late now to backtrack. he might as well go all in. besides, jeno reminded himself, he deserved to suffer for what he had said to jaemin, and the other boy deserved to be happy, with someone who wasn't as fucked up as himself. he had missed his chance, and there was nothing he could do about it now but try to help jaemin and renjun find happiness in each other. frankly he couldn't care less whether hyunjun got hurt in the process. the boy wasn't exactly at the top of jeno's list of priorities right now.

speaking of priorities, he stopped daydreaming and met the expectant gaze of renjun, who was looking at him hopefully. jeno hadn't realised how much time had passed, it must have been the middle of the night by now, yet the air still held the summer's balm and the salt of the sea. the moon above sent her sweet serenade of light to the stars, who twinkled back fluting melodies. all this seemed to be reflected in renjun's eyes. jeno felt drunk on the moment, drunk on renjun. he wanted nothing more than to pull the other boy close, to bring their lips together and taste moonbeams and starlight.
but he knew it would ruin everything.

"sure, renjun. sounds like a plan."

author's note

hey guys it's been a while, sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger :o

on a real note, would you guys mind if I write w**jin's character out? that creep does not deserve to be with an angel like chan in any universe, real or literary.

love, peace and bisous xx