Lovers

5

⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Warning:self harm⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

JEONGIN

Today fucking sucked. Chan got called in to work at 5 in the morning since a kid snuck in and all the teachers had to be there. Its fucking sunday.

Chan is fully recovered and said it was nice at the time but we agreed to never to let him bottom again and enjoy it with me as bottom. When he went into work today he was in such a rush he didnt say good bye that's was the second bad thing today.

The 3rd was I couldnt fall asleep after he left and I was so sleepy. It frustrated me so much I ended up crying.

I didnt fall asleep after that and just went to get somthing to drink to think that would help. From crying I had a headache which was another bad thing to the list. Then when I went to get me some milk I realised we didnt have any. Great.

I gave up and went into the livingroom to watch tv. I turned it on and saw only boarding channels were on. I swear it's like the whole world is against me today.

We didnt have milk and no medicine to cure my head ache, I'm tired and cant fall asleep, chans not hear and I just want to cuddle.

I started crying again which made my headache worse and then I cried harder.

It was an ugly cry to. Today just sucked. I grabbed at my hair as I felt my arms tingle. I felt the need to cut but I resisted. I've been clean for 2 years I cant break that now. It's just so fucking hard. Everything is against me and I really want to self harm.

I ran to our room and locked the door I got my phone out and with shaky hands I called Chan.

"He- babymoon what happened?" He asked stepping away from a conversation in the distance. I just sobbed into the phone not really knowing how to say. "Baby I need you to breath okay. Follow my breathing. " he said taking a deep breath in and out. I shook my head, "I cant." I whimpered. "Yes you can. You are strong Jeongin." He said.

I tried again but still nothing worked I got up and went to the bathroom. "Chan I-I dont think I cant h-hold it back any longer." I practically screamed. My mind was getting the best of me. It was yelling at me to go and cut myself like I used to. I slowly started to fade out from Chans voice and let myself slowly follow what my head was telling me.

'Cut because your a disappointment.'

'Cut because your ugly.'

'Cut because your fat.'

'Cut because your family doesnt live you.'

'Cut because you are the reason you list your baby.'

'Cut because Chan will leave you.' It said. I obeyed every command and soon had 5 deep lines on each arm. I heard someone running up the stairs but all I could do was cry. I cried because of all the things I cut for. I dont want Chan to leave me ever but now that I've done this he will.

I'm such a disappointment. I cant even keep a steady clean streak.

I felt arms pull me into there chest by who I'm guessing my Chan.

"Jeongin calm down." He said cupping me cheeks to make me look at him. I couldnt calm down though. I worked so hard to not cut and this stupid day ruined it all.
While I still cried Chan got some bandages and patched up my arms. When he was done he kissed the white bandages all the way up my neck to my lips.

He picked me up and sat me on the counter. "BabyMoon calm down." He whispered holding me to his chest. I tried alot to calm down but I just kept thinking to much. "Jeongin stop." He said sternly when it started to get worse. I stared at his eyes and forced myself to stop crying. I was still breathing heavily and softly crying but I wasnt full on sobbing now. He grabbed one if our soft rags and gently wiped my face. "Now baby can you tell me what triggered you?" He asked in a gental tone.

"T-Today s-sucked. You-You left without saying g-goodbye, and then we d-didn't have any milk, then I t-tried to watch TV but do-nothing was on. E-Everything was pushing me. I cant believe I did this." I said crying a little bit more. He just listened and told me it was Okay.

"Okay love. I know your hurting right now. Your probably feel bad about cutting again but I want you to know that you didnt do anything wrong. Everyone who has had an addiction is most likey to have a relapse. It's not a bad thing and you didnt do all that work to stop now. It's just a setback. All the work is not gone it's just a set back. If you ever feel this way about anything Jeongin. Anything. I swear I will do everything in my power to make you feel better. You did good for calling me today, and I'm so sorry that I didnt say love you or anything this morning. I feel terrible about it. Please baby tell me when this happeneds. " He said leaning my head up and wiepping my tears while holding my face.

(If you ever have relapse or are feeling anxious, if your a little, if your depressed, or anything I found a guy who does audio for that Hes called rainy day audios and he helps when I am feeling anxious or scared. I was feeling a bit depressed about my last chapter and he helped me also. I'm not getting paid to say this but he does a good job. I'll put the one for Relapse in here. It's also where I got some of the things in this chapter)