Choking on Diamonds

Thirty Seven

"What are you thinking about?"

"That there are no Targets in Darien and it makes me sad."

"Bullshit," Hunter called easily from the drivers seat. "The lack of chain stores in this town is irrelevant to you." The darkness of the night filled the sports car, the street lamps casting their haze over my legs through the windows as we moved down the highway. My head rested against the window, moving with the pumps of the car on the freshly paved highways. I'd been off all week and it was becoming increasingly obvious. My life was an absolute shit show and it wasn't getting better by any stretch of the imagination.

People in my life were dropping like flies and the ones that lived had turned their backs to me. I hadn't spoken a single word to my twin in weeks. I was still conflicted over a girl I fucked who then killed someone hours later. My best friend lost his boyfriend. I was raped by my ex's friends and he didn't even give a shit. The boy I loved fucked my sister and lied to me about it. My other friend was dating a drug dealer responsible for someone's death. And the measly cherry on top compared to that massive pile of shit was that I was still no where good with my 'boyfriend'.

Time doesn't heal shit, it only makes things fester.

I didn't trust Hunter and he didn't trust me. He lied to me and I fucked his ex. I would leave my life in Hunters hands, but emotionally we still couldn't touch each other with a five foot pole.   My life had been turned upside down, and one apology from one person wouldn't even come close to fixing that.

I could hear their voices in my head, telling my to run for the hills. The ground was shaking under my feet and I was just falling deeper into the abyss. I should have stopped them. I should have gotten help for my addiction. I shouldn't have gotten drunk. I shouldn't have tried to make my ex jealous. I shouldn't have hidden who I was. I shouldn't have lied to you.

I shouldn't have betrayed you and you shouldn't have used me.

I could have been the one dead on my bedroom floor with a needle of oxy and heroin in my arm. I could have been the corpse in a Cadillac over a cliff. I could have been the one lying in a coma. I could have been the one addicted to my brothers supply. I could have been the one knocked up by a stupid teenage guy. I should have been the one to die. There would be so much less pain.

In a few months the ones that were still alive would leave and most would escape, but that didn't mean freedom. No one would ever be free of the scars. The toxicity, the betrayal, the bullying, the status, the pregnancies, the drugs, the addictions, the assaults, the rapes, the murders; even those who weren't involved felt the repercussions. Money was poison and it infected people like a pandemic; it didn't leave, it only spread further. Ever person here was a spore of hatred ready to infect the next pocket of susceptible people.

I would die with this town a part of me. There was no escape.

Ever.

"So what's wrong, Ki?" Hunter finally asked, letting me wallow in my thoughts for a few more moments. I could feel him glance from the road to the side of my face briefly before looking away again. I wanted to trust him but I couldn't bring myself to it just yet.

"If someone did something bad but releasing the truth would hurt people you loved, would you do it?" I finally asked, my own pupils prying themselves from the window and licking onto Hunter's chiseled profile in the harsh shadows of night.

His lips parted for a moment as he thought before finally uttering a response to me in the formerly silent air. "Stupid question to ask me. I'd protect myself and the person I loved; I'd stay quiet without even thinking about it. Ask yourself Kyra: who are you helping by telling the truth? If they're more important to you than anything else, tell the truth. If not, die with that secret. Don't throw yourself in a fire for no reason."

I snorted, rolling my eyes as my attention reverted back to the road. "I forgot you're a professional lair."

I heard his sharp exhale in response, presumably followed by an identical eye roll. "Kyra I've apologized more times then I've blinked but I can't prove it if you don't give me the chance."

"It still hurts," I seethed bitterly like a child.

"I never said it wouldn't," he retorted pompously. "I guess the question is, do you want to give someone else your pain or bare it yourself. Then again, depending on your point of view I've done both of those to you."

"I think have a pretty good idea who is in the wrong in most situations."

"If that's the case then you should be the bigger person and make up with your sister before it's too late," Hunter quipped cockily.

"Shut up, only child."

"You're the one trying to be the bigger person," Hunter shot back innocently, turning to give me an 'I told you so' look.

"Maybe I don't want to be me anymore," I murmured, his large right hand settling on my knee in an non sexualized way. Hunter was always there for me even when I pushed him away and made him the enemy. I was a volatile bitch. "All I want to do is be someone else."

"All we want to do is be someone else because everyone else's life always seems easier. We can be defensive or we can try to accept the world around us."

"The world around us is an ugly flaming hellscape."

"Then its a good thing we're all already assholes. We fit right into our sick environment."

The earthquake underneath my feet was only just beginning. There was no salvation for anyone.

Repent or die in the flames.