boyfriend | t.h.

part eight - the end before it begins

It was 1:35AM. Five hours after you left Tom's.

Before you couldn't sit still, rolling in bed and pulling the sheets from one side of the bed then pushing them off the next minute. Your bed started to feel like a cocoon that left you with the argument you and Tom had left on. So, you got up a few times, but it only led you to stare at your bright phone screen and your fingers hovering over to keyboard, hesitating to send a message to him.

But, you knew no message could do justice for what you said to him. He was an amazing person, maybe even a once-in-a-lifetime person, and why you would say that to him after everything he's done for you seemed completely inconsiderate and selfish.

You paced your room back and forth, panicked, wondering what you said to Tom and frustrated that you couldn't remember because it all happened so quickly. Your sweaty hands gripped around the end sleeves of your hoodie, your heart beating faster than it normally did while anxiety crawled up your spine thinking you shouldn't have said the things you did.

Your head was filled with images.

Tom's face. The scar across his cheek. The tears.

The overwhelming sounds of your voice, repetitive and almost banging at your skull from how full it was getting inside your head. Why were you acting this way when it didn't mean that much from the start?

You blink away more tears, your eyes stinging from the mascara. Your hot blood was still pumping through your veins and you thought the carpet would be pulled from underneath your feet unless you sat down. As you pulled on the end of your sleeve, you wiped it along your dry, pained eyes before taking a seat on your bed. You felt gross yet the idea of taking a shower seemed like the equivalent to walking a mile. The grease in your hair wouldn't bother you if you put your hair up. Better than taking the shower.

A deep breath filled your lungs, expanding your diaphragm as far as it could and the recycled air left through your nostrils. You took another breath just like that one before you curled your legs onto your mattress and reached over to turn off your side table lamp.

Suddenly, the comfort of your bed was better than usual. Your body sunk into the mattress deeper, the familiar smell of your sheets were stronger and the room appeared darker with the blinds closed. It's like the world around you wasn't there and anything else going on didn't matter. It's like your body was tired of the thoughts and producing the resulting tears, leaving you with a headache and your mouth dry. But water was just as far away as the shower. If you went to bed, it would go away till you woke up.

You weren't slipping into a depression or anything, it was just a phase... at least that's what you kept telling yourself throughout the early morning.

Your shoulders and chest were weak, your spine aching from how you were curled up for so long without moving and your blood shot eyes glared out the window, slowly watching the sun peak through the curtains. When you grabbed your phone from under your sheet, the time read 6:20AM and a tear escaped your eye and dripped off the tip of your nose. It felt like 2am was minutes ago, how did time move so fast, you weren't ready for it to be the morning already. After draping your sheet and cover over your head, you closed your eyes and hoped your fatigue would fight your horrible, repetitive thoughts.

The rest of Sunday was spent in your bed. The liquids from last night stayed in your bladder, the grease continued to produce throughout your hair and you kept chewing at your fingernails. You tried listening to music when you woke up at noon, but it only lasted for a few minutes before you rolled back over and cried till five. You watched the sun setting again, wondering if you closed your eyes would it already be rising again.

Throughout the week, you forced yourself to study for your finals but your mind moved slow while everything around you sped by. Each exam you would doze off, looking into your paper but almost forgetting you only had an hour or less left. Along with it being finals week, taking your time with Tom out of your schedule made you go back to how life was before him, giving you more free time than you preferred. You didn't know how you used to function being this alone throughout your days.