aye so is always been a year huh? fucking crazy how time flies, especially when you're tryna get your shi together. and when you're happy. but time don't fly when you're busy being miserable and busting every nut in your body. ion think i can even fucking explain what happened, i was asked to write this after i feel better because y'all deserve the explanation. all of you was promised a surprise long back which y'all have probably forgotten, but here's to you.
you guys probably already know this but my younger sister, my only real family, was murdered because of some petty urge of revenge. and i didn't take it well as most would assume, i turned into the biggest prick alive and that's just somethin that happened. i didn't know what was happening to me, losing myself in my work and distracting myself was probably not the best solution because at the end of the day i always found myself back at square one. i felt like nothing mattered, wanted to go join my innocent sister who didn't deserve death. if there was anything like bein dead while you still breathe, this would be it. i didn't want to be here no more, i cared about everyone but my selfish urges were stronger, i wanted to leave and i wouldn't have it any other way so that's what i did, i attempted suicide like a loser and came out unsuccessful by some chance.
at first i hated that i survived, i wanted to do it again and again until i finally succeeded but they wouldn't let me. all of them were so mad, it was really unnerving. realizing how much i was affecting everyone with my bullshit, i decided to will myself to come back. i wanted to make my sister proud and i realized i was doin the complete opposite so i started to take help, james and jordan (and everyone else) really helped, coming with me to the therapist and telling him off when he asked questions i wasn't ready to answer. can't say spewing bullshit to someone who didn't even care helped but the support my friends offered really did.
i decided to come back on for a bit but the moment i saw how much y'all missed me and your threads and messages, it got me all choked up. i understood that it wasn't the end of the world and i needed to stop bein a dick, needed to be me again, needed to stop "takin my time." although i understood this, i still struggled to figure out how exactly i was supposed to do this which is why it took me a lot to be where i am right now. after natalie gave birth, that really did it for me. the moment michael looked at me i understood how things had the ability to be beautiful without much effort and it was time i got back and appreciated the beauty i had in my life, time i stopped neglecting it.
y'all really did help no matter what y'all think, from layh's messages and support, amina's love texts, mia's adorable little messages to elaine's thread and everything that all of you did just got to me all the time, i thought of your words all the time, i tried my best to let the guys (and girls) be there for me and i'm honest when i say that i got the best bunch of friends in the world, truly beautiful and amazing, i'm fascinated by the strength and determination y'all show to all of us, the patience and the love. people like you deserve the world and nothing less.
here's to the people who think recovery is impossible, who want to end it, who think they don't belong. y'all motherfuckers really do belong, it might be the place you're currently in or some place else but all of us have a home, whether it be a person or a place. we underestimate life when it comes to pain but we also underestimate it when it comes to happiness and all, so i guess my point is that no matter what happens, we don't give up, we never do. as for the "meal", thank you for being there for me. <3
