When Gunner Samson Leaves

l e t t e r - o n e

  december ninth,
seven o'clock

         dear lilah,               

As of now, I am sitting near the river. The wind brushes past me as I write this letter to you, causing the papers I hold on my knee to flap like the feathers of birds. Often, I like to imagine myself as a bird -- a caged bird. The pet type. The ones that get their wings clipped and are only able to fly so far. I am that bird and recently, this bird has been thinking that all of the people around me are insane -- including you, always obsessed with your stories. 

Your stories; I never was able to understand why you cared so much about the lives of other people. I never understood why you would lie about what other people were actually going through -- why you would lie about me the most. Was it because I was the easiest since I was the captain of a crappy football team? Since I seemed like I had the best life ever? Since it seemed as though I was naive and just overconfident? To this day, as I'm sitting here, I still do not know the answers to all of these questions.

Well, despite not knowing the answer to those all of those queries, I know that you know this but I am not what those stories say. I am not what people say I am. I am not arrogant or stupidly overconfident or dumb. I'm filled with my own worries and insecurities. My father drinks every night, did you know that? Did you know that Amanda Moore stalked me and terrified me? She still does to this day. Every night, every morning, every moment I step into school, I feel as though it's her eyes on me.

Did you know that Viviana Byrnes only dated me to get with Quincy Chase? Did you know that she used me only for lust, envy, and gaining  popularity? I did not go to the lengths that was stated -- I did not do anything that she said about me. Did you know at Catrina's Birthday Bash all we did was kiss at the end of the party? That's all -- Catrina's not a slut. I really did love her, too.

Did you know all of that and still lied about it? I'm honestly disappointed, Li. Part of me honestly thought that you were better than that. I didn't want to listen to what they said about you but I should've. And I prolly should have listened when my conscious told me that bullying you back in middle school was a bad idea. Did you start this because of that? The years of brutal torment that I had inflicted upon you?

But I didn't think that you would take it this far. If I could go back in time and erase the past, I would. I'm sorry for what I did to you, Lilah. I'm sorry because of what Joey Anders did (the whole thing was just a very idiotic dare). We had no intention of harming you.

There's that rustle in the leaves again -- I think it might be time for me to go soon, Li. He's here and he's bloodthirsty. Ironically, he's the only person that I trust in this damn town. He gave me orders to go into that oh -so-cold river. To be honest, I don't want to go. I wanna continue writing to you. It helps me cope in a way.

But he's getting angry and he's starting to yell. Tell my parents that I love them, okay? Make sure that they are okay. I don't know if you will ever recieve this letter or not, but please,  tell everyone that I'm sorry for hurting them.

I gotta go now.

Thank you,

-- G u N n E r