Chasing Jonah Mchale

chapter nine

Conditioning Monday morning was brutal.

My body was not prepared for the ceaseless running. I spent the first thirty minutes with my heart thundering in my chest so strongly that I could feel it vibrate in my ears. The weight lifting wasn't any easier. With the pressure of each weight making my skin flush with sweat.

I could feel my physical ability and strength declining. And I couldn't explain it.

"Don't beat yourself up kid." Coach Mayor said as I set down my dumbbell. I was breathing unevenly, and I felt physically drained. He squeezed my shoulder comfortingly. "You're still rehabilitating. You'll be fine by Friday's game."

Friday's game.

My stomach sinks to the soles of my rubber sneakers, as my chest starts to flutter. I'm not sure what anxiety is- but this feeing. This might be the one everyone talks about. I feel like I'm going to be physically sick. And I might be- if I don't get in contact with Tay.

It's 7:20 am, and I'm already showered and dried off in the locker room. It's empty now, silent except for the endless drips of water from the shower faucets. The bell is going to ring in ten minutes and I need to get to home room.

I check my phone anxiously. My hand can't stop shaking as I refresh my messages- waiting. Just waiting for Tay to respond.

I thought he was clear on the time and place.

I thought-

If I'm gonna be ready by this Friday to play- I need god I fucking need more pills. It's fine. I was prescribed them before, but I need them for a little bit longer. Just until I can get back to my feet. Just until than.

Tay eventually saunters into the lockeroom, his eyes already glassy and red. Draped in his black sweats and hoodie he looks practically skeletal, his eyes cloaked by under eyes so dark they look bruised.

Who the fuck gets high during school.

"Hey- sorry for the wait man." Tay says calmly, his voice like velvet despite his disheveled appearance.

I want to roll my eyes but I don't. "Just give me the stuff."

"Alright- bruh- chill with that attitude it's to early for that shit." Tay says exasperated. He slumps his heavy black backpack down unto a bench before beginning to rummage through it. "I owed my dude some money, it's why I took so long."

I don't say anything, instead I just chew the inside of my cheek, my eyes glued onto his bag.

"This will last you a few days." He says tossing over a brown bag in my direction.

I subconsciously sigh as I hand him over two crumpled a hundred dollar bills.

A few days. No. I'll go through it quicker.

When he leaves, I quickly open the bag, and watch as what's barely a handful of pills, all 60 mg, roll around at the bottom.

I quickly swallow one dry before shoving the bag as far down into my bag as I can and leave.

•••

Mr. Dalmer doesn't say anything as he slides my quiz face down across my desk.

My cheeks flush with embarrassment. I know he's trying to shelter my grade from anyone else's prying eyes- but god. He couldn't make the fact that I bombed his quiz more obvious if he tried.

Trigonometry is hard. But I was good at it. I had never scored lower than a 90% on any of his quizzes. Except for now.

When I flip the quiz over a 55% burns into my eyes. Fuck.

I remember dozing off when I took this on Wednesday. I was too drugged up on Advil and ibuprofen to keep my eyes awake enough to solve every question. I was trying to stretch out my pills because fuck. Im running out of money.

When the bell rings I'm the only one sitting down still, my eyes still trained on the grade even after forty minutes have passed by.

"Jonah?"

My blurry vision finds Mr.Dalmers concerned expression. He furrows his brows as he closes his laptop.

"Is everything okay?"

"-yes" I cough, arubtly standing up and packing up my notebook. "Sorry- I was just distracted."

"Oh." He looks me up and down before continuing. "Jonah, my offer still stands. If you need more time to get settled, you can work at a slower pace than the rest of the class."

"It's fine." I say, wishing I could just disappear. "It's one bad grade-"

"Yes, but you never get bad grades Jonah. Which is why I'm concerned." His voice is gentle- genuine even. So I can't rationalize why I explode.

"Mr. Dalmer. I've already fucking said it. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. I want everyone to stop treating me like I'm fragile- and I just want to move on with my life and pretend my injury never happened. Is that too much to ask for."

"Jonah." Mr Dalmer winces. "I was just worried. I definitely am now."

My voice trembles as I try to inhale as best as I can, "I'm- I'm sorry- I didn't- I didn't mean-"

I can't finish. What am I even saying? An apology? I swing my back pack over my left shoulder before leaving the room.

I can't do this right now. I can't. Do. This. Right now.