𝙜𝙗𝙜 𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨

🌧 finally > misfits 💖

Just needed to make this to let some feelings out about what happened with me recently. Trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts

Published: nov 3 2019

-

It felt awful. The walk to the subway station felt awful. Sitting down and looking out the window into the dark night didn't do anything like it used to do. Walking back home was awful.
But it was the normal every day thing for you, so you had grown used to it. The constant feeling of being on the verge of tears, a heavy weight on your chest that never seemed to get off, the thought of being so useless to everyone around you was the impending doom that came plummeting towards you like a freight train.
You were at your breaking point, even though it had felt that way for a long time. However, enough was enough.
There was no way you could keep going like this; keeping your feelings to yourself, acting like everything was fine when it wasn't, all the lying to your friends and yourself to the point where you couldn't tell what emotions were real and which ones weren't, like you were a shell of what you once were. You couldn't keep going.
The walk up the familiar street seemed to be the slowest thing in the world, tears finally spilling down your face as you tried to sob quietly to not gain any attention to yourself - it didn't really matter though, it was the middle of the night. You tried wiping your face with your sleeves as you approached your friends' door, in order to hide what emotions had accidentally overflown from the bucket. Said-metaphorical bucket was placed on the very edge of the counter, filled to the brim, ready to tip over at any point.
And as you opened the door, greeted by your friends, the bucket spilled all over the fucking floor. What a mess.
"Jesus, Y/N, are you okay?" Eric walked up to you. You leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down onto the floor as you tried to hold in your feelings as best as you could.
"Fuck- I'm sorry- I don't know why this is happening, I'm usually not like this-" You stumbled over your words, trying to give him a slight smile (which ended up looking like a disgusting grimace). Eric winced a bit, before lowering himself so his face was at the same height yours was.
"What's up, N/N?" He asked.
You noticed Toby and the others gathering around, a look of concern in their eyes. You tried speaking, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead, you cried harder, your efforts to stop not working.
"I'm sorry- I'm so sorry, let me just calm down-" you blubbered through the mess of tears.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, take your time." Toby crouched down to your level, rubbing your back up and down as her other arm gently pushed you so you could lean against her. Eric finally sat down, taking one of your hands into his. "Tell us when you're ready, okay?"
You gave a weak nod, this time not holding back on your sobs. A good ten minutes later, the tears were starting to slow down, and your head hurt a bit less, even though it still felt like the strongest human in the world was crushing it with their fist.

-

Your friends waited an hour for you to calm down. Mason had brought you water, Matt stood by along with Jay and Cam, and Toby and Eric were sitting next to you. A part of your mind was thinking, 'how can Toby rub my back for so long without her arm hurting?' while the other part didn't really care. It just felt so, so relieving to let your feelings out after being bottled up for so long.
For most of your life, you kept your negative feelings hidden, locked away in a corner of your mind so that you wouldn't burden your friends with your problems. Depression ran through your family, so it was no big surprise once you got diagnosed at such a young age - however, your parents didn't want to believe it. So you didn't get help, you didn't get therapy, you didn't get medication to help with your struggle against yourself. Every day felt like a never-ending fight with your own brain, contemplating suicide was an every-day thing that happened. Hanging out with your friends and doing your favourite things that once made you happy became just a simple little distraction - it felt like you couldn't truly enjoy those moments.
Little by little, the things that brought you happiness seemed to just bring you more sadness instead. However, you didn't want anyone to think any less of you - you didn't want to be seen as weak, or clingy or annoying. So you hid those feelings on the inside, and only let them out once you were alone in your bed. But eventually, those feelings, those awful thoughts became too much to handle on your own. So you broke.
And now, here you were, explaining to your friends why you were crying.
"...all the trauma I've been through, all of that- it's just- it's just too much to handle on my own. I can't do that anymore. That's kind of why I alienated myself from my parents- they just didn't really help." You finished your explanation through a lot of stuttering and tears.
Your friends stayed quiet for a moment, taking in all of the information that you gave them.
"Would you be open to going to therapy?" Toby asked, her voice quiet.
"I guess, I just - I- I don't know why I haven't gone, really. I felt like I was letting my parents down, in some way." You mumbled.
"Getting help will not let your parents down. Getting better will make them proud." Cam said, the others nodding along.
A silence set upon the group as you thought about your options. After five minutes, you took in a deep breath and exhaled.
"Okay, it's settled. I'm doing it. I'll find a therapist." You announced. A soft grin crossed Eric's features, Toby giving you a genuine smile as the others cheered.
"I won't lie to you, it'll be hard at first," Toby started, "but getting help is the first step to recovery. You will get better, and we're here to support you every step of the way. If you ever need anything, a shoulder to lean on, someone to rant to, all of us are here for you."
"Yeah! And fuck, if you need someone to cook you something at 3am? I can do that." Mason said.
"To be honest, you'd probably burn the house down." Jay replied, everyone laughing.
You glanced up at your group of friends, giving them a small, almost non-existent smile - but it was there.
"Thank you." You said. "Thank you so much."

-

Not gonna lie I self projected HARD into this one lol (except it's funny bc I didn't have friends w me during this and my parents didn't believe me 😰😳)
Anyways.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or you're depressed, PLEASE please get help. Go to therapy, talk to a friend - because like I wrote in here, the first step to recovery is admitting you aren't well and talking to someone. Therapy will help. If you want my advice? Go to more than one therapist at first to see what works best with you, if you like one more than the other.

Anyways. I am also here as well. Wattpad messages are fucking wack so if you need to reach me, I have tumblr (liebgott or c-scoop) or you can comment in any of my chapters, or on my message board.

You are strong, and you will get through this. It gets worse before it gets better. You're amazing, you're loved, and you're valued. You are a unique person, always remember that. Stay safe. (Stay sober as well.) I love you. ❤️💕💖

- Reese