Pas(sade) de Cheval

Oxer

Ryan was having a hard time catching his breath as the diagram swam before his eyes. He blinked a few times, and the mess of jumps and arrows and numbers came back into focus. He'd already walked the show jump course, but his mind felt blank and uninterested. It felt like a sponge that was already so saturated, trying to absorb anything new was inconceivable. 

He closed his eyes and tried to visualize the path he would have to ride. Over the pink striped jump, rollback left to the square oxer, bending line from the green vertical to the... He forgot. "Fuck," he muttered.

A hand landed on his shoulder, causing him to jump and turn around. "Woah, hey, it's just me." Brendon held his hands up, palms facing Ryan to show he meant no harm. "Wound a little tight there, are you?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Ryan laughed despite himself.

He sighed. "I don't know what it is; my brain doesn't want to memorize the show jump course." He felt a little ridiculous standing around having this conversation while they were both in their show jackets and shiny boots. He had to admit that Brendon looked pretty great in his though. Plus riding pants were truly a good look for him.

"It's just nerves. You won't mess up," he said with so much certainty, Ryan couldn't bring himself to argue. Instead he shrugged and turned back to the map, trying to ignore how in that exact moment a whistle was being blown, and the current rider was being disqualified for going off course. He closed his eyes and tried to count his breaths, so he didn't realize he was being hugged until there was a pressure around him that wasn't caused by his anxiety. Brendon's hair tickled the side of his face as he wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist and tried to ground himself in the moment.

"Thank you." He whispered into Brendon's ear.

"Anytime." He reluctantly loosened his grip and turned back to the map. He spent a few more minutes studying it before going off to find Shane. He slipped his headphones in and mounted Betty, feeling so much more ready than he had before the reassurance from Brendon. The saddle was familiar beneath him, and he knew he could jump a course like this in his sleep. 

His warm up went well, and he felt in tune with Betty. She was jumping wonderfully, and he felt some of his confidence start to sneak in as people gathered around the warm up ring to watch him. 

After cross country, his double clean run had been enough to put him well into first place. Maybe that was why he was freaking out; losing from this point would be devastating. He was so close. He could feel the wind of the victory lap on his face. 

He heard the crowd around the show ring erupt into a roar as the rider that was in the ring finished their run. Ryan's stomach dropped as someone waved him over to indicate he was next. Zack jogged up to walk next to him, wiping the dust off of his boots and taking his helmet cover from him as they walked towards the main ring. 

The ring was one of the most visually imposing ones he'd ever been in. It was at the base of the hill that held the Bromont sign, and the bleachers towered dozens of rows up the other three sides, giving a feeling of being a gladiator about to be faced with a lion. 

Ryan rode into the ring, pausing to wait for the whistle to sound that would signal he could start his run. He wasn't sure if the crowd had fallen deathly silent, or if his ears had stopped working because his brain was too focused on his other senses. 

Presumably the whistle sounded, but he only knew to go when he saw the light on the first jump switch to green. He quickly picked up a canter and aimed them at the fence. They cleared the first two easily, and he felt like they were making good time. On the third jump, he didn't quite judge the distance correctly, and Betty shuffled in an extra stride at the base of the jump. The second it happened, he knew they were going to hit the rail. He glanced over his shoulder as they landed, watching as the poll wobbled on the cups but stayed up. 

He exhaled deeply and focused back on the jumps ahead of them. All of the others went smoothly, Betty not daring to touch a single jump after that one. They landed off the last jump in the course and he looked for the timing clock to see if they'd been fast enough. The clock showed dashes instead of numbers, and he rode over to the gate, looking for someone he knew, or someone who worked there, to tell him what his time was. 

The first person he spotted was Jon, and the look on his face instantly made him freeze in terror. Jon looked upset and sympathetic, which was a strange combination to see on Jon. Something about him being the one to look like that made Ryan understand what had happened before the words had even came out of his mouth. 

"You went off course." He read the words on Jon's lips rather than hearing them, because his ears were still refusing to hear. Or maybe more accurately, his brain was refusing to interpret the things he was hearing. 

All at once he heard the shocked whisperings of the crowd, and Jon's voice as he explained that he'd gone over the wrong fence after getting distracted by touching that rail. They'd sounded the whistle to tell him he'd been eliminated, but he hadn't heard it and kept going. 

Jon looked like he wanted to pat Ryan's leg as a comfort, but wasn't sure their relationship was enough to justify that. Instead he said something about going to find Spencer as he disappeared into the mass of people surrounding Ryan and Betty, who were awkwardly avoiding looking at them. 

He walked her back to the stable, both Zack and Shane mysteriously nowhere to be found. He rode her all the way into the barn, safety be damned. No one was around anyway, all of them out watching the last few rounds of jumping. 

The area outside of Brendon's stall was a mess. He'd left blankets and boots everywhere, dirty and haphazard. Ryan's eyes kept drifting back to it as he went through the motions of taking Betty's tack off and brushing her down on autopilot. He still felt numb and in shock, aware of what had happened, but definitely not allowing it to fully sink in yet. 

He slowly slid the door closed on Betty's stall, lingering to reach a hand through and stroke her face. "You were perfect," he said to her, meaning it. He'd tried to replay the course in his head, but it was already blank, like a dream he'd awoken from, slipping away faster the more he tried to recall it. 

He went to walk out of the barn, maybe to find a quiet place to curl up and think self-deprecating thoughts, when his foot connected with something small and metal on the ground. A hoof pick went skittering across the aisle, presumably having been left behind in the wake of destruction that was Brendon's getting ready process. 

Ryan smiled softly at the thought of Brendon, and decided he wanted to go see his run. He grabbed an oversized hat that he was pretty sure was Zack's, and pulled it low over his face. He felt like an undercover celebrity who was trying desperately to not be recognized. He kept his eyes on the ground as he followed the main path back to the show ring. Being the last day of the event, the merchants who had set up tents on either side of the walkway were getting more pushy than they had been the previous days. 

"Hey, you look like you could use an embroidered saddle pad!" One guy called to Ryan. He narrowly managed to not flip the middle finger in response.

"Have you heard about our new mane spray that detangles and keeps the hair shiny for longer than ever?" A woman tried to convince him. Ryan's patience was really wearing thin, and he weaved off the main trail to walk behind the tents. It lead him to the far side of the ring, in front of the giant hill that lined the property. He sat down on the grass and started ripping up individual blades of it into tiny pieces. 

Ryan located the scoreboard, and through a process of squinting and head-tilting, he managed to see that only Brendon and one other lady were remaining in their division. If Brendon went clean, no rails knocked down, and no time penalties, he had a chance to win this. 

The other rider went first, not hitting any jumps, but going a little too slowly and finishing fourteen seconds undertime. She dropped down a few positions in the rankings, but still looked pleased as she exited. 

Ryan's eyes located Brendon as he waited outside of the ring. He was speaking to Jon who stood on the ground next to him, and Ryan found himself rooting for Brendon to win. As Brendon entered the ring, he felt a smile form on his face. Finally, he was able to think about something other than his own disappointment.